This, too, shall pass

A wise person (does anyone know who?) said that "This, too, shall pass."  And they were right! After a very teary day on Friday I have bounced back with more optimism and a clearer head. While I know that I will continue to have days like that, I also know it will pass.

Saturday was a great day. I got some things on my " to do" list done and spent some super time with Cade. He was a little tired so he had a nap - on Grandma.  We watched some Oasis tv - lots of animals on that channel! I enjoyed a very fine meal with Vanessa, Stu and Cade (thanks Stu!) and had a nice visit with Ger and Erika in the evening. A pretty fine day I would say!

Time for getting the house tidy and cleaned - only 3 sleeps until I go to Ixtapa! It will be a wonderful 2 weeks - I plan to return here relaxed, with a sense of renewal, and a great tan!



"May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays."

TTFN

LWC - 4 months

Well, here I am, 4 months after Callum left this world for a place that is free of pain and gives him peace.  I try every day to find peace. While I think I have sipped it every now I than, I know I have yet to experience true peace since he died. I have realized that I am really living by that quote "fake it til you make it".  Things are certainly different now.  This is quite an adjustment. Lately I have had more pleasant memories come back that put a smile on my face and some joy in my heart, but the memories of the last  days Callum was in hospital are still as clear in my mind as the day he passed away.  I can still hear his last breaths, and when the nurse was checking his heartbeart, I hear very clearly when she said "he is gone". It was 5:45 pm, Monday, July 11.

Today was likely one of the hardest days for me so far.  I can only suspect that it is because I have had some much needed quiet time to do more grieving and healing. I have been surprised at how quickly and intensely the tears flow. I try to not fight it. I need to heal. It is part of the process. But damn it, it hurts like hell.

I had decided today that I would start to say thank you to Callum for being a loving husband and father, such a hard worker and provider. He made sure we are taken care of, and that I have some freedom to do what I want, not have to something I don't want to do. He gave me freedom to live in a nice home, close to family. He showed me that hard work pays off. Neither of us have a university or college degree, but we did pretty damn good! He showed me how to live well and love deeply. He taught me to never give up. He encouraged me to move forward in my life, to take time for me, to try my own business, go to school, or wait for the perfect job - whatever I wanted.

I do thank him for that. More than anyone will ever know.  But somewhere through those thoughts reality flew in. I can say thanks, but I will never have him back. I want him to be here to see me become successful. I want him to share in our family tribulations and triumphs. Every beat of my heart changes from gratitude to immense sadness.

Time will heal. Tears will heal. I have felt joy again, and will feel more in the future. But every joy will be joined with sadness that it is not shared with Callum.

So, today at 5:45 I will have a glass of wine and toast Callum for all he has provided our family. Our happiness is for what he always strived. Well done, sweetheart.

Joy, happiness, gratitude.  I am on my way to healing.

Peace and contentment are yet to come.

TTFN

Halloween and Memories

Pirate Lorna - housewarming party

Things have been slowing down a bit the last couple of weeks. Most of the last month I have been busy with this or that, and pretty much avoiding grieving if I could.  I think I would like to write a "how to grieve for dummies" book because I just don't know what to expect. All the professionals say it is an individual thing and nothing is wrong when it comes to grieving. I can grieve however I want, and however I need to. That doesn't help me much some days. I am moulded into a deadlines, guidelines and goals. I like checking off to do lists. I like challenges, but with a plan to meet them - and some kind of evidence I have completed the necessary steps. Grieving is not like that. Sometimes I feel like I have a grip on it, and the next minute I have a grief outburst, a good cry, often followed by a nap - it can be exhausting.  I am trying to get back to some kind of "normal", but to be honest, I have no idea what normal is anymore. I am only now realizing how absolutely abnormal my life has been for most of the past 3 - 5 years. Overall, I think I am getting better everyday, but some days.....well, there are days that I am reminded of the physical and emotional intensity of grieving. 

I have started back into some activities. I have joined the senior community concert band - 10th flute! I love playing music again. I have been taking an intro to Photoshop course and an online InDesign course. All in preparation of my upscale slideshow business I will launch next year. The concentration is getting better - but these things truly tell me what kind of day I am having!  I can almost completely  concentrate during a 2 hr rehearsal, and the 3 hr photoshop course is good for about 2 hours.....then I wander a bit.  It's getting better though!

I hosted a bit of a housewarming get together last week - my way of giving myself a deadline for most of the unpacking and organizing the new home. It was a fun time and it only took me 5 days to get over the party and the getting ready for it! We had great fun posing as pirates and princesses for our pictures!

It's been a bit of a melancholy day. I have had good moments, sad moments and lonely moments.  It has felt very strange. Many, many memories coming to the surface. Good ones. But some stop me in my tracks. Perhaps because I know I need to be prepared for holidays and family celebrations to be different. But I didn't really think of Halloween. 

I remember making costumes for Jamie and Vanessa. I don't remember ever buying them one. I remember the Care Bears, the Raggedy Anne and Andy. I remember the rush to get the costumes done. The rush when Callum got home from work to hand out candy while I took the kids out. For years that was a pizza night because I just couldn't seem to make a meal, dress the kids and get the treats ready!  In the early years we had so little money that pizza was an extra special treat. 

I remember missing many Halloween nights. I seemed to be in night school for many of them, and worked a number of them, too.  I wasn't usually the one to hand out candy anyway - that was Callum's job. He really enjoyed seeing all the little ones dressed up. Even last year when he couldn't make it to the door, he sat in his chair and watched all the children go up and down the street. He didn't miss seeing many of the costumes! 

I remember I would hurry the kids home so we could jump in the care and visit Grandma and Grandpa, and Nana and Grandad. It was a very busy night, but a special family time. 

I have enjoyed handing out treats tonight. Although I am wondering if I am in a time shift. I saw Smurfs, Luigi from Mario Bros, Transformers, Rafael (a ninja turtle), Batman, and many others from the days of our children.  Many were superheroes of some kind - a nice trend! Of course, a few princesses and the cutest little dino you'd ever see! 

I didn't think Halloween would bring up so many memories.  Many brought smiles to my face and warmth in my heart.  Of course....followed by a tear or two. Thank goodness for happy memories. 

"Each happiness of yesterday is a memory for tomorrow"

Author: Unknown

TTFN

LWC - 3 months

Callum's 50th Birthday Party

I sit here pondering the last 3 months, perhaps I am really pondering the last 4 - 6 months.

3 months ago today my dear Callum passed away.  I am learning to take comfort in knowing he is no longer in pain and has found peace, in whatever universe he landed. 

For me, in amongst brief times of peace I feel pain. One would think that it would lessen as time went one. I believe that will happen one day. But for now, there are days that the pain is even more intense. Every day still reminds me he is not, and never will, be here with me. Pictures and memories. That is what I have left. A wise friend reminded me that we live on in our children and grandchildren. It seems quite fitting that I had the pleasure of looking after Cade today. Spending time with him is living proof that Callum lives on.  He reminds me of how much joy he brought Callum, and continues to bring me. Through the times of joy, I shed a tear or two that Callum is no longer here to enjoy him, and hear him say "Hakuna Matata"!  Cade still remembers him right now, but there is some sadness felt that Cade will not grow up with Grandad Callum by his side. 

I have many pictures and video to add to my memories of Callum. It is a new life. I miss him so much. I have so many things to share with him. 

A few tidbits about grief.  I am sure most of you have heard that everyone is an individual when it comes to grief. This is a long, long process. So..

At times I will feel great - this is normal.

At times I will feel sad - this is normal.

At times I will feel angry - this is normal.

At times I will be tired - this is normal.

At times I will have no concentration - this is normal.

At times I will do things totally out of character - this is normal.

At times I will seem obsessive about remembering Callum - this is normal.

At times it will seem I have really moved on - this is normal. (even though I haven't!)

And all of the above can happen in 10 minutes, an hour, a day or a week - this is normal.

As I said, this is a process, and I have been advised by more than one professional to take it easy. In fact, both my Dr. and counsellor have told me to slow down.  That I am doing a really good job of avoiding the pain and the grief. But this is not a good thing. I need to cry. I need to be angry. I need to spend time remembering our good times, our bad times, the courage we had to stick together. I need to mourn losing him, and need to mourn losing our future together.  I ask that you continue to support me through this. But don't let me get away with distracting myself - or let others distract me - I will pay for it, I am told. It's very hard for me to slow down, and move forward at the same time. I can do it, but it is a challenge for me right now.  I will graciously take all encouragement and support while I learn to slow down a bit. 

As for now, I am enjoying a glass of red wine, remembering Callum, shedding a few tears through the smiles. While far from a perfect 34 years together, we enjoyed a wonderful life and we truly became best friends. It will hurt for a long time.

Tears have a wisdom all their own. They come when a person has relaxed enough to let go and to work through his sorrow. They are the natural bleeding of an emotional wound, carrying the poison out of the system. Here lies the road to recovery.

--- F. Alexander Magoun

TTFN

The Wall

Here it is, the 2nd last day of September. The month has gone fast for me, which I suppose, is a good thing.

I have accomplished quite a lot this month. I bought a house in Medicine Hat, I sold my house in Saskatoon, and moved all my things from the rented condo and the Saskatoon house into my new house. That, along with watching Jamie play in a golf tournament, a one day photography course, my first band practice and a trip to Manitoba, my time has been quite busy.



That's good, or so one would think. There are many positives to moving forward. But, for me, moving forward and keeping busy can be both a good and bad coping mechanism.  In the busy-ness I had actually started to convince myself I was doing a lot better. That I was handling things OK.  I was even taken off guard at how happy I was feeling at times. I suppose one cue I should have paid attention to was the sleeping, either sleeping in or having naps. I told myself that was because I was unpacking and getting to bed late. That I was over tired from packing and moving. Perhaps that was part of it .

But today, I "hit the wall".

Let me explain - I know many of you have felt this way. I was going along quite happily today.  I managed to get in an eye exam on short notice (and all is well, thankfully!), and attended the Annual General Meeting of the Medicine Hat News Santa Claus Fund. I have chosen the Santa Claus Fund as my community involvement for now, so have joined the Board of Directors.  It is a great group of people and some real exciting work is being done to help children have a better Christmas.  I digress.  I stopped at Shaw and dropped off my Saskatoon phone modem - a bonus for me, now I don't have to mail it back! I came home, grabbed a snack, had a great chat with a good friend, and then started to do some unpacking. I decided to carry on with my bedroom, so I unpacked the rest of my clothes. I opened the large brown wardrobe box from Saskatoon and took out a couple of my jackets.  Next were Callum's clothes from Saskatoon. I didn't have time to go through them there and just moved them here to deal with them. I hung them in the closet. I don't know why. At first it seemed like they belonged there. It made sense. Then it happened. I "hit the wall". My arms and legs had no strength. They felt like huge lead pipes. Almost like a paralysis. I was looking at things but not seeing them. I tried to make sense of my thoughts, but I couldn't. I "hit the wall". Immediate, intense fatigue and heaviness. Cloudy thoughts.

This was a "hit me over the head with a 2x4" cue that I am still grieving with some intensity.  I have had that intense feeling before, but not really often. My first memory was the day Callum was diagnosed with rectal cancer - that foggy brain trying to make sense of what was happening is something I'll never forget.  My second memory of this intense feeling was the day we found out the cancer had spread to both lungs and a cure was no longer in the picture. My third memory is of the day he nearly died from sepsis. During the last few months I would experience a wave of these feelings, with varied intensities. However,  I was taken aback today with the suddenness of this wave.

It's a good reminder to me to be deliberate in taking breaks, having fun, and getting enough rest. I avoid things by being busy.  I know I need to move forward and start my new life.  I can't sit around and mope. But I do need to be kind to myself. To realize I am still not able to do as many things in a day as I once could.

One thing I am going to start doing again is writing what I am grateful for each day.  It doesn't take a lot of physical energy, and can  help end my day on a positive note. Some days it may be hard, but important to be grateful for something!

So...here goes.
Five things I am grateful for today:
1) I had a great eye exam.
2) I have joined a fun and committed board of directors.
3) My driveway has forms, and nearly ready for cement.
4) I had a great chat with a wonderful person.
5) I have a stove that works properly and is easy to use!

Well, good night folks.

TTFN
Lorna

An Angel on my Shoulder

The slideshow is best viewed in full screen and with speakers turned up.

TTFN
Lorna

LWC - 2 months, Rambling Thoughts

It's been two months since Callum passed away.  I wish I had the words, and brain power to communicate, to really explain how my world has changed. Some of you will have an idea of what it is like because you have lost a husband or wife at at a young age.  Honestly, though, until you have gone through it, you have NO idea what the days are like.

50th Birthday Party

I was away for a few days so I picked up the mail today when I got home.  One piece of mail was addressed to "The Estate of the Late Callum Scott".  When I get these,  at first I want to say that he was never late for anything! A little chuckle, and then, once again, the stark realization that he is gone.  Sometimes it stabs my heart just like the day he passed away.

There are still insurance payments to come, health benefit payments to track down, pension funds to look at, final bills to pay and much, much more.

I had a few "firsts" this weekend.  I went to write in a card and instantly started with a "w" for we, instead of I. I signed my first "Lorna" card, not "Callum and Lorna". I had to take a few deep breaths to carry on writing. I went to celebrate the 25th anniversary of Callum's brother and his wife. It was the first "Scott" get together since the memorial services.  We had some fun, but that stark realization hit again during karaoke when Callum's brothers got up to sing - there should have been 3, but now, there are  2. (Two wonderful boys, oops, men!).  Now that we move forward in our lives, we are starting to see where the holes are, and will be in the future. There are parts of the future I am not looking forward to because he will not be there.

I also saw many of our family hurting.  We try to carry on, but I think each of us has dimmed our internal spark. Whether or not we admit that we are hurt and sad, it shows on every one of us. We all had different relationships with him, but each were very important. We will need a way to share our grief with each other. Our strong family is important to the healing, but we should be somewhat comforted by knowing we share our grief. Our lives will never, ever, be the same.

I miss him so much. I miss the hugs, the touches, the kisses. I miss his smell, the slipper dragging on the carpet, the squeak of the crutches. I miss watching him concentrate on his crosswords. I swear I heard him in the middle of the night. I woke up with a start, sitting up in bed, looking for him to tell me what was wrong. But when I sat up, he wasn't there. It was chilling, I still felt he was there. And I miss his hugs of reassurance most of all.

I still believe he is our good weather angel.  The golf tournament last week had great weather, and this weekend was a super summer weekend for golf and karoaoke.  I am certain that he is already well liked in whatever universe he is in, and is able to make a contra deal somehow to send us good weather!

I still remember the final days and hours spent with Callum. His reactions to Cade holding his hand, his reassurance that things will be OK.  I remember gently holding his hand while he took his final breaths, sweetly telling him I love him, tenderly having our last kiss, telling him that it is time for him to have peace. All the while knowing a piece of me was dying along him. It still sucks.

"Your memories are yours forever,
Every story,
Every cherished moment
Is safe within you,
For all time"
    Ink Loft Greeting Card.

TTFN
Lorna

Memories...new and old

It has been good to be in Medicine Hat. I have had a few days getting back in the groove - a great MH News party (Good Luck in Winnipeg AP!) and Jamie in a golf tournament here.  It was nice to be with such wonderful people in such familiar settings. I know now for sure that Medicine Hat is the best place for me. 

I was honoured and humbled to hear that the Medicine Hat News is planning some different memorials for Callum. They will name  one of their scholarships after him and they are going to plant a tree just outside the Ad Director's office. Kind of eerily, they had to cut down the old tree because it died. And they would like to dedicate a park bench in his name. This is right up my alley because I had also been considering a park bench so I will work with the News on this memorial project.  If anyone had any doubt about how much he meant to the newspaper industry in general, and to the News, these gestures will quash those doubts!  Callum would be so surprised, and humbled. He only ever wanted to do a good job! Some good memories in the making, some good memories from the past.

I have spent some time at the Connaught Golf Course this weekend. Jamie is playing in the 3-day Southeastern Golf Tournament. He is currently one shot back of 1st place.  He won the horse race today (it is a fun competition as part of the tournament) which is the first time he has ever won a horse race! It was so great to watch him. I watched him play the last 3 holes of his main round today and over 5 holes of the horse race. I am a very proud mom.  I don't think anyone noticed the few tears I had when I would look for Callum and realize he wasn't there.  I fondly remember following many horse races when he would seem to come from no where, put his arm around me and give me a hug.  I swear I could see his smile and hear him say "hi sweetie - how're you doing?".  He would have been so proud of Jamie's horse race win. Especially the long birdie putt on 8 and the chip to within a couple of feet from the hole in the chip-off to win. Good memories in the making, some good memories from the past.  And a few tears for both. 

"I hear your whispers in the rain ... Your Kiss in the rushing wind.... your embrace in the still of the night...I'm Missing you"

Author: Helen Rebibis Ramos

TTFN

Lorna

Stepping Forward

It has been a very busy and high stress week.  With the sale of the condo I am renting I was on the hunt for a house. I looked and looked and looked again. On Tuesday and Wednesday I changed my mind on my favourite  house every hour.  I am so thankful for my real estate advisor and my financial advisor - I ended up with a great house deal. I have a new place to live on September 30! Well, I will likely take a couple of weeks to move, but the house will be mine as of Sept. 30.  One very, very stressful thing is out of the way.

This didn't come without tears.  I found I really, really missed Callum during this process. I make many decisions with emotion and intuition. I am not necessarily emotional when making decisions, but there was certainly a wide range of emotions this week. I pretty much lived on Advil and Tylenol for 5 days. I really missed the logical, practical input Callum would have. That's where my advisors helped me so much.  They helped me stay focused on my goal of making a sound financial decision.

One of my biggest fears was that I would make a really bad decision when buying a house - I don't trust my judgement at this time. I now have a new home, and if it ends up to not work for me, I got a good enough deal that I should be able to sell it recoup all my costs. Thank goodness for great friends and family in helping me with house hunting and making a decision.

I must also thank Matt Teel from Royalty Lepage. Matt stood by my side while looking at virtually every listed  house in my budgetnorth of the river. Matt treated me with utmost repect and always kept my interests his priority.  And he will now be my neighbor - he lives 1/2 block from me! I look forward to continuing his friendship and when I am ready to sell, he be my first call. keep his name in mind if you know of anyone in Medicine Hat looking to sell or buy a house - Matt Teel, Royalty Lepage

Through all of this I had such conflicting feelings of being supported and yet being so alone. I am not yet used to being alone, and here I was trying to choose a place to take a step forward on my new life journey.  Usually people start out with baby steps, but, as is typical for me, I start with the giant step.

Just for fun, go to life stressor questionnaire and see where you score.  I was quite surprised at my score!  If you share your score with me I will share mine with you!
I am definitely in a very high stress time right now.  I will start working on increasing both my emotional and physical health. I can't believe weak my whole body is. I have a long way to go, but I must get started before the next high stress events come - moving into the place here, and the sale of the Saskatoon home and moving from there.

I also received my letter of dismissal from my job in Saskatoon.  They have restructured the position and I no longer fit the qualifications. I had previous discussions with my board and had decided this would be for the best.

So, when I woke up Friday morning I was technically homeless and unemployed. Thank good ness by the end of Friday I had fixed the homeless issue!  And I am not anxious to become employed - I am looking at some other options.

It will be times like this that I miss my other brain. One of the reasons Callum and I worked so well together is that we blended all things needed for decisions - emotion, intuition, logic and practicality. I now have access to only my half - I must call in the troops to help with the rest. I guess that is what they are for.

2 steps forward, 1 back sometimes.  The journey must go forward, even in baby steps.

To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping

TTFN
Lorna

What a day!!

Wasagaming, Manitoba July 2011

Well, it has been quite a day! Here is the list:

Handyman comes to do repair.

Phone and make Dr. appt.

Phone and make Chiro appt.

Talk to guy who is showing private sale house tonight

Look at more houses for sale on internet

Organize house paperwork into the no's, maybe's and haven't seen

Email Sakatoon realtor for update

Lady comes to give me my notice to be out of condo by Dec.1

Talk with owner of private sale house

Call purolator to confirm envelope is there

Make lunch

Go to purolator, pick up envelope

Go to funeral home and pay bill  (big, big sigh)

Go to bank for appt to deal with Cal's pension funds (sigh, sigh)

Deposit insurance cheque (big, big sigh)

Pick up printer cartridges

Pick up something for supper

Go see private sale house

Supper

Look at 3 more homes

Talk to owner of private sale home

Update real estate advisor 

Is that enough for one day? 

"All of life is a journey; which paths we take, what we look back on, and what we look forward to is up to us. We determine our destination, what kind of road we will take to get there, and how happy we are when we get there." From A Little Book of Happiness

TTFN

Lorna

The Show Must Go On

"The Show must go on!
The Show must go on!Yeah!
Inside my heart is breaking,
My make-up may be flaking,
But my smile, still, stays on!"

                 Queen (The Show Must Go On)
I thought I was doing OK. This week has been a wallop, though. So many things I want to tell Callum.  I want to tell him about Jack Layton. I want to tell him that the editor at the Medicine Hat News has resigned. I want to tell him Canada Post has screwed up redirecting the mail. I want to tell him I had a great time with Jamie. I want to tell him Cade talked to me on the phone and told me he went potty at Kristi's (his day home). I want to tell him that Vanessa and Stu bought a new crib for the baby. I want to tell him the crazy condo people are still crazy and the property management co. isn't much different. I want to tell him that I connected with another Saskatchewan blog lady.  I want to tell him I miss him and I will be OK but right now I don't know how. I want to tell him they finally fixed the 8th st and Boychuk drive intersection in Saskatoon, but eastbound 8th st is still a mess. I want to tell him they fixed the 12th St and Division Ave NE intersection in Medicine Hat and Finley Bridge has stupid lights but should be open again tomorrow. I want to tell him that Chris shot 38 last week.

But he's not here.  Now that most visiting is done and I am spending more time on my own it is getting harder each day.  I have never, ever experienced such pain in my heart. It is unbearable at times. It feels like a one ton weight is on my chest, and then it springs claws and tears out my heart. Tears spring at any moment, and many moments in a row.  Do you ever run out of tears?

I try to be excited about a new place to live and the future. But there is so much future that is hard to face without him. It is just so unfair. I really thought we had gone though enough pain and grieving that I was aware of how much this would hurt. But I had no idea. Not even close.

I know others get through it. I know I will get through it. This is the hardest thing because I have no feeling of control. Even with the terminal diagnosis I had some control - with meals, medications, dr appts etc etc.  Now I have nothing. Nothing is in control.  The condo I am renting is sold and I have no choice but to move. I was planning on it anyway - but now I have no choice.

Sometimes I walk around in circles trying to remember what I am doing. I make silly mistakes. I don't remember things. All grieving.  Damn cancer!  I hate cancer!!  This wasn't supposed to be our life.

How do you go from being a wife to being a widow?  Interesting transition. What is your first feeling when you hear the word "wife" and what is the first thing you think of when you hear the word "widow"?  "Widow" is a word that sounds so lonely and sad.  And it is lonely and sad being a widow, although I am still a rookie so I am sure that changes at some point.

Been a couple of tough days.  Good things have happened, but sometimes the good things bring both happiness and sadness.

The Light of Loving Memories
On the journey through our sadness,
There's a light that helps us find
A tender reassurance and
Some peace of heart and mind.
It's the light of loving memories,
With their gentle guiding glow.
To grace our days and
Smooth our paths
Wherever we may go.     (Greeting card)

Here is a great video. It hits very close to home but certainly tells my story in a way.

http://youtu.be/pxy0uBbHLCw

TTFN
Lorna

Interesting article

I have always been quite annoyed at hearing people say "he lost his battle to cancer".  I always thought it diminished the hard work, determination, persistence and courage that cancer patients embody.  Check out this article - it speaks to my thoughts!

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/health/new-health/conditions/cancer/jack-layton-didnt-lose-a-fight-he-died-of-cancer/article2137736/     

TTFN
Lorna

My New Life....Transitions....Transitions

Life is full of transitions.  Days go on, and we adjust and adapt. I have to admit, though, that some feelings I had today were as prevalent as the day Callum passed away.  The last few weeks have been busy with paperwork, travelling, family, friends and settling into my new life.  I spent the past few days in Calgary with Jamie and we had a great time. It was really nice to spend time with him. I look forward to the next visit!

Please realize that what I am feeling is normal. My feelings are normal. I have had support from many people. 

But as I drove home, the reality of going home to the apartment, alone, really hit me. Things have been so busy that whenever I was home alone, I was getting ready for the next trip or looking forward to visits from friends and family.

This time is different.  There are no travel plans for a couple of weeks. There are no visitors coming. I am here. I am alone. This is the next transition for me. 

It's predictable. There are so many things to do when you are looking after someone who is ill. There are so many things to look after for memorial services. And so many things to look after for insurance and final bills.  And then it slowly changes.  Life slows down and hits you in the face again.

I have really missed Callum this week - if I could ever miss him more one time than another.  He's not here to help me through deciding whether to build a home or buy a home. I want to tell him that the check engine light on the Porsche was only a sensor - once reset all is fine. I want to see him smile when Cade gives him a "high 5".  The feeling that I am living a dream is back. I feel he will be waiting for me when I get home. I know it isn't true.

I think of the things people say to help me feel better. Please understand I say these things generally - there are no specific things  said by anyone that has caused me to feel this way. Don't take any of this personally - it is part of the grief process for me.  Thank you for support - I will still need your ears and shoulders-and you!

But there is nothing anyone can say to make it better. Nothing. Callum is gone. I miss him. It is just not fair. One of the books I am using to help me get through the grief process talks about how we have been taught to minimize our pain. When we fall and skin out knee, we get a hug, a cookie and told it is all better. We are taught to be grateful for the good things in our life.  Losing my husband hurts. I am grateful he outlived all expectations, but it still hurts.  I am grateful for the positive attitude he had. How he lived life to the fullest. But I still hurt. Those things don't take the pain away. I am so thankful we were able to travel and visit family and friends. Those were happy times. But I have many sad, and mad, moments. I so glad he no longer has pain. But I am mad he ever had pain to start with!! Knowing he is no longer in pain doesn't make it easier!! These feelings are normal. I should be sad, and at times mad. I need to work through the grief. Transitions - life is full of them!

I am now an "I" or "me"...not "us" or "we".  I still say "us" and "we" - it's so hard to get out of that habit!  I am quite an independent person - I know I will be fine on my own. It will take adjusting, but I can do it.  But I miss him. I miss talking things over with him, making a joke and seeing him smile. I miss talking with him about what we will do today, what trip we will take next, who do we want to see in concert. I miss him. 

Another transition I need to work through is how to accept help from family and friends. How to talk with them about Callum and how much we all miss him.  I don't need to be coddled. I don't need to have people with me all the time any more than I should be alone all the time. Balance - I need to find the balance between being busy and time for relaxation, reflection and rest. One of my coping mechanisms is to keep busy - I have to be careful to not overdo it. I have to be quite deliberate at taking time for myself.

I look forward to some quiet time to think about the happy memories, to cry, to make plans for my new life. But life will never be the same as it was with Callum. 

I miss him so much.

There's honour in a well-lived life...

there's healing in remembering...

there's hope in knowing love goes on forever.

TTFN

Lorna

LWC- Month 2 - memories

Well, the first month without Callum is over.  On we go into the 2nd month.

We had our toast last night - well, a couple of toasts and shared some memories.Vanessa, Stuart and Cade, Jamie,  Callum's parents, his aunt and uncle from Scotland and my sister and brother-in-law were here last night so we had a great time of reminiscing. We talked about his love of cars, and how he usually didn't ask his dad for advice on buying a car. That might tell you about the wisdom of some of his choices!! I think Jamie quite aptly came up with one trait of his dad. He said, "dad was quite understanding about things, but there came a point where we had to understand him."

Many people replied to my request for a toast day on the one month anniversary.  I have heard amazing stories from a lot of places.  It is quite humbling, actually. I shared most of them with the family - it was heartwarming and brought a few tears to our eyes. Feel free to continue the toast on anniversary days or whenever you like. He may have left our worldly place, but I am determined that he never be forgotten.
Thank you to everyone who has replied so far!  Please keep sending stories, it is a wonderful way to keep his memory alive and for me to learn even more about my wonderful husband.

To live in hearts we leave behind
Is not to die.
~Thomas Campbell, Hallowed Ground


TTFN
Lorna 

Eve of 1 month Anniversary/Mourner's Bill of Rights (Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D)

As I have travelled around the last few days I have talked with many different people, with many different things said to me about Callum's passing.  Sometimes it is hard to know WHAT I should be feeling at this point. Sometimes I think I should be more sad, sometimes I think I shouldn't think about Callum so much, sometimes I think I am moving ahead way to fast. It has been just a month. 

The good news is that I will grieve in whatever way I decide to. I will feel what I feel, and do what I do. Some of it will make sense to other people, and some of it won't. But it will make sense to me - and that is all that really matters.

It is so hard to believe that it was a month ago that I spent the last night with Callum.  Throughout the night I held his hand as often as I could. It was more difficult as for some reason he wanted it across his stomach. 

That night I wrote in my blog that we were close to losing him, and that it may be the last night we spent together. Even though I seemed to know what was happening, it still seems surreal at times.  Those memories still occupy a great deal of my mind. I see him squeezing Cade's hand and smiling. I remember when he held Vanessa's and my hands and said it was going to be all right. I remember how Jamie lovingly held his hand for hours. I remember listening to his breathing slow down, and when the nurse listened to his heart and said "he's gone".  He was finally at peace and pain free.  And we are left heartbroken, with the task of carrying on our lives without him.  I am still not sure I know how to do that. 

I was reminded many times today that it is only a month, and that I have been quite busy, so it will take time to move from the memories of sharing the last days and moments of Callum's life to having the good and fun memories come more freely. It is a process. At times, a very painful process. I have added to the end of this post an article called "The Mourner's Bill of Rights".  It is quite helpful for anyone who is mourning - whether for Callum or anyone else.  Please check it out below.

Thursday, Aug. 11 is the one month anniversary. So, to try to continue to honour and respect Callum, and to gather happy memories,  in honour of Callum, please take a drink of your favourite beverage. His would of course, be scotch, but anything from wine, to juice to milk will do! Think of ways he touched your life, and make your own toast to Callum and his life.  If you have a chance to be with other people, share your stories and have a laugh or two!

I have made this into a bit of a treasure hunt for me. I am hoping to have people from all over the world do this.

Please send me an email to let me know your beverage of choice and share your story or toast with me, if you like. I will let you know Fri or Sat what “the stats” were.

I am sure tomorrow will have its share of tears. But I am hoping that each of us can share a thought or story, and have a smile, maybe even a laugh. 

Please check out the article below!!

The Mourner's Bill of Rights

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain "rights" no one should try to take away from you.

The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.

1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.

No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don't allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.

2. You have the right to talk about your grief.

Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don't feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.

3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.

Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don't take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.

4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.

Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don't allow others to push you into doing things you don't feel ready to do.

5. You have the right to experience "griefbursts."

Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.

6. You have the right to make use of ritual.

The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen.

7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.

If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.

8. You have the right to search for meaning.

You may find yourself asking, "Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?" Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, "It was God's will" or "Think of what you have to be thankful for" are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.

9. You have the right to treasure your memories.

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.

10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.

Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

Copyright 2007, Center for Loss and Life Transition

Dreams

In the information on grief I have read so far, it mentions that you have more dreams when you are grieving. I have noticed this to be true. In fact, I had an amazing dream last night.

I dreamt that I was in the hospital with Callum, and he was in a deep sleep - really non-responsive.  I was utterly amazed when he woke up. I thought it was a joke. But he was talking to me. I was so happy I couldn't stand it. I was taking him for a transfusion and told him every minute how much I loved him. He held me and kissed me, and told me how much he loved me.  I let him know that I had made a bargain that if he was given back to me I would tell him very, very often how much I loved him. I can still feel the reassurance in his voice, a warm hug and his gentle touch. 

And then I woke up this morning, rolled over to give him a kiss, but he wasn't there.  A tear rolled down my cheek, Then another. And another.  I hadn't yet been awake 2 minutes.  

I try to enjoy the feelings I had in the dream, and the time I got to spend with Callum, even if it was just a dream. Sometimes I wished I never woke up from that dream. It was such a loving and caring moment.

Not long after that I read a memoriam in the newspaper - from a husband to his wife who passed away last year. I don't remember the exact wording, but he basically said that he doesn't shy away from the sad times. For they give him a chance to spend more time with her, even though she's gone.  I liked what he said, and will try to cherish the memory, even though it still hurts. 

"When I miss you, I don't have to go far ... I just have to look inside my heart because that's where I'll find you."  Ruthie

TTFN

Lorna

one of those days....

I woke up thinking of Callum....I missed him more and more as the day went on. I miss him so much.....

LWC - Day 27 "One Wish"

One Wish

If I could have one wish

That I know would come true.

I would wish for many more days

That I could spend with you.

You are in every thought I have

I miss you more and more every day.

I knew this wouldn’t be easy,

But why does it end this way?

I see your face in the pictures,

I remember the sound of you voice.

To have again your gentle touch, your warm embrace,

Would make all of us rejoice.

We knew it couldn’t last forever

That one day you would be gone.

It seemed to happen way to soon

And now, we must live on.

You fought a brave and courageous fight,

To us, you are the best.

You are now at peace and free from pain,

It’s time for you to rest.

If I could have one wish

That I know would come true.

I would wish for many more days

That I could say “I love you”

                                    Lorna Scott 

LWC - Day 20, Love, Grief and Healing

I told you it was going to be a roller coaster ride!  At least that is how I am feeling the last week has been for me.

I returned to Saskatoon for a few days to get some business done.  My friend from Ohio was up for the week so we had a great time visiting in between doing our own thing. She was visiting her mom, and they treated me to many suppers! It was nice to be looked after!!

Being busy is one of my coping mechanisms. It can be good to be distracted, but it can only last for so long. I am now learning how exhausting grieving and healing can be. The "fantasy land" of being busy did bring with it some energy I didn't know I had, but I am quite tired today after having nearly 10 hours sleep!  Perhaps that is partly due to expending so much energy in my "grief burst" last night.  As I travelled to the Hat I "left" the fantasy land and with each mile I felt more and more sad. I love being close to family in the Hat. But the realization that Callum wasn't waiting became a stark reality. I had a few tears as I was driving. And once I was home for a little while I became very sad and angry. I was so mad that he had so much pain at the end. I was mad he had to be so sedated to be comfortable. I was really angry he ever had cancer. I stomped my feet and cried. And cried. And cried. I was missing him so much and t was likely the best cry I have had since he was still in hospital. Perhaps that explains my exhaustion and need for sleep and relaxation.

No, I am not losing it. I am not in a deep depression (perhaps a bit of a minor one....but to be expected). This week I received some information on grief and healing. Apparently I am quite normal, which may surprise many of you! Last night, though, I was even mad that there was something I needed to grieve, it just isn't fair! Anger and deep sadness are to be expected, and are important to healing. I want to move past the pain, but I read that it is necessary to move through the pain.  The pain, when it comes and how much it hurts, is beyond my control. I can only control how I handle these situations. And I need time to cry, be mad, eat well, exercise, be alone, and have fun. I need to be around people, but have time to myself. I need to have fun and have joy, but have days to mope, watch some movies and temporarily hibernate. This is all normal and expected.

Perhaps I need to look at this as a bit of a challenge, a "new job" so to speak. I will conquer the grief and heal. I will forever miss Callum, and think of him every day.  And I will learn to think of him and feel joy for what we had together, happiness for all the good time, and I will smile and laugh. For now, sadness reigns.


Grieving is a necessary passage and a difficult transition to finally letting go of sorrow - it is not a permanent rest stop.  ~Dodinsky, www.dodinsky.com

TTFN

Lorna

LWC - Day 19 Love - Gratitude

LOVE - GRATITUDE
The agony is so great...
And yet I will stand it.
Had I not loved so very much
I would not hurt so much.
But goodness knows I would not
Want to diminish that precious love
By on fraction of an ounce,
I will hurt,
And I will be grateful to the hurt
For it bears witness to
The depth of our meanings,
And for that I will be
Eternally grateful.
                              Shirley Holler Jeffrey

Tough evening...

I look at the pictures
Remember the happy times,
I can see you, hear you, touch you
But you aren't here.
Why did you have to go?
You were one of the good guys,
Too good to die so young.
Now I sit alone,
Wanting you back,
The pain is deep,
And so I cry.

The impossible...

I want him back.....

LWC - week 3 - At Home in My Heart

AT HOME IN MY HEART

When every new day has begun,
I'll see your face in the morning sun.
When night time falls and the stars shine bright,
I'll see your smile in the soft moon light.
When the song of a bird falls on my ear,
I'll think of your laughter and feel you near.
I will remember you always, we are not really apart.
For I have each treasured memory,
Alive and at home in my heart.

                                            Bee Ewing

LWC Day 13 - Better Days

I hope I don't make you guys dizzy with my ever changing emotions! I have a feeling this will be a wild ride!!

Today was a better day.  Last night I re-read some of my posts from the last week or so.  I saw a theme of me longing, nearly begging, for Callum to once again tell me things would be OK.  Then I remembered a couple of things that happened when he was in the hospital.

I think it was either sometime on Saturday or maybe Sunday - hard for me to exactly remember when it happened.  I was alone with him in his room, holding his hand.  He asked me if he missed doing anything.  I don't remember if he said much more than that, but I do believe he was asking if there was anything else he needed to do before he died.  Lovingly, I let him know that everything was looked after and we would be fine.

The other thing happened late Saturday night.  It was about 11 pm. Vanessa had stayed late that evening and was just getting ready to leave.  We were standing on either side of Callum's bed, saying good night. Each of us held his nearest hand in our hand, and the tears started rolling down our faces and the quiet sobs started.  Callum squeezed our hands and said "It will be all right.  It will be all right.".

I reflected on these two events over the past day. I finally realized that Callum had already told us things would be OK.  And just as he had to trust me when I said everything was looked after for us, I need to trust him, and those near to his last words, that I/we will be OK.

After this reflection I felt a burden was lifted. I realized that I wasn't disrespecting Callum and his memory by having happy moments and looking towards the future.  In fact, it was more disrespectful to NOT find some joy and happiness, and make future plans.  His wishes always were that I wouldn't be sad he was gone (well, I can't make that wish come true) and that I continue with my life, take the time to do something I love, start a business, go back to school - whatever I wanted to do.  He wanted to be sure I was looked after and wouldn't have to work at a job I didn't like, and that I could enjoy some travel. He wanted me to return to golf. And of course, he wanted to be sure family remained all important. That we treasure the moments we have together and always love one another. Those wishes I can make come true.

It is in that spirit and awakening that I started this day with a coffee, a ciabatta bun with Bygarski Honey (the best honey ever!), surfing the net, answering emails, then spending time with Vanessa and Stuart while Cade played in his pool, enjoying supper with them, and booking my winter vacation to Ixtapa.  Later, as I watched the computer screensaver of random family pictures, I had a tear or two, but was then able to smile and start to remember the joy we shared.  It felt good to smile.

Does this mean I have no pain?  Not at all. Does this mean I don't miss Callum?  Not at all - I still think of him nearly every minute.  I would give  up my "new life" to have him back - in a heartbeat.  I would give up a lot more than that if it would mean he would come back to us.  But it won't happen.  Nothing can bring him back.  I now can only gain strength through his spirit and his memory.  I trust him, and that when he said it will be all right, it really will be OK.

It is still sinking in that I won't see or hear him again. Thank goodness for pictures and memories - they will help him live on forever in our hearts and minds.

I know there will be a lot of pain to come in the future. Holidays, special days, when Cade looks for his Grandad.  But it is so important for all of us to live, and enjoy a joyful and satisfying life.

That is what he wanted for all of us.

Some days there won't be a song in your heart.  Sing anyway.  ~Emory Austin


TTFN
Lorna