LWC - 2 months, Rambling Thoughts

It's been two months since Callum passed away.  I wish I had the words, and brain power to communicate, to really explain how my world has changed. Some of you will have an idea of what it is like because you have lost a husband or wife at at a young age.  Honestly, though, until you have gone through it, you have NO idea what the days are like.

50th Birthday Party

I was away for a few days so I picked up the mail today when I got home.  One piece of mail was addressed to "The Estate of the Late Callum Scott".  When I get these,  at first I want to say that he was never late for anything! A little chuckle, and then, once again, the stark realization that he is gone.  Sometimes it stabs my heart just like the day he passed away.

There are still insurance payments to come, health benefit payments to track down, pension funds to look at, final bills to pay and much, much more.

I had a few "firsts" this weekend.  I went to write in a card and instantly started with a "w" for we, instead of I. I signed my first "Lorna" card, not "Callum and Lorna". I had to take a few deep breaths to carry on writing. I went to celebrate the 25th anniversary of Callum's brother and his wife. It was the first "Scott" get together since the memorial services.  We had some fun, but that stark realization hit again during karaoke when Callum's brothers got up to sing - there should have been 3, but now, there are  2. (Two wonderful boys, oops, men!).  Now that we move forward in our lives, we are starting to see where the holes are, and will be in the future. There are parts of the future I am not looking forward to because he will not be there.

I also saw many of our family hurting.  We try to carry on, but I think each of us has dimmed our internal spark. Whether or not we admit that we are hurt and sad, it shows on every one of us. We all had different relationships with him, but each were very important. We will need a way to share our grief with each other. Our strong family is important to the healing, but we should be somewhat comforted by knowing we share our grief. Our lives will never, ever, be the same.

I miss him so much. I miss the hugs, the touches, the kisses. I miss his smell, the slipper dragging on the carpet, the squeak of the crutches. I miss watching him concentrate on his crosswords. I swear I heard him in the middle of the night. I woke up with a start, sitting up in bed, looking for him to tell me what was wrong. But when I sat up, he wasn't there. It was chilling, I still felt he was there. And I miss his hugs of reassurance most of all.

I still believe he is our good weather angel.  The golf tournament last week had great weather, and this weekend was a super summer weekend for golf and karoaoke.  I am certain that he is already well liked in whatever universe he is in, and is able to make a contra deal somehow to send us good weather!

I still remember the final days and hours spent with Callum. His reactions to Cade holding his hand, his reassurance that things will be OK.  I remember gently holding his hand while he took his final breaths, sweetly telling him I love him, tenderly having our last kiss, telling him that it is time for him to have peace. All the while knowing a piece of me was dying along him. It still sucks.

"Your memories are yours forever,
Every story,
Every cherished moment
Is safe within you,
For all time"
    Ink Loft Greeting Card.

TTFN
Lorna