As I have travelled around the last few days I have talked with many different people, with many different things said to me about Callum's passing. Sometimes it is hard to know WHAT I should be feeling at this point. Sometimes I think I should be more sad, sometimes I think I shouldn't think about Callum so much, sometimes I think I am moving ahead way to fast. It has been just a month.
The good news is that I will grieve in whatever way I decide to. I will feel what I feel, and do what I do. Some of it will make sense to other people, and some of it won't. But it will make sense to me - and that is all that really matters.
It is so hard to believe that it was a month ago that I spent the last night with Callum. Throughout the night I held his hand as often as I could. It was more difficult as for some reason he wanted it across his stomach.
That night I wrote in my blog that we were close to losing him, and that it may be the last night we spent together. Even though I seemed to know what was happening, it still seems surreal at times. Those memories still occupy a great deal of my mind. I see him squeezing Cade's hand and smiling. I remember when he held Vanessa's and my hands and said it was going to be all right. I remember how Jamie lovingly held his hand for hours. I remember listening to his breathing slow down, and when the nurse listened to his heart and said "he's gone". He was finally at peace and pain free. And we are left heartbroken, with the task of carrying on our lives without him. I am still not sure I know how to do that.
I was reminded many times today that it is only a month, and that I have been quite busy, so it will take time to move from the memories of sharing the last days and moments of Callum's life to having the good and fun memories come more freely. It is a process. At times, a very painful process. I have added to the end of this post an article called "The Mourner's Bill of Rights". It is quite helpful for anyone who is mourning - whether for Callum or anyone else. Please check it out below.
Thursday, Aug. 11 is the one month anniversary. So, to try to continue to honour and respect Callum, and to gather happy memories, in honour of Callum, please take a drink of your favourite beverage. His would of course, be scotch, but anything from wine, to juice to milk will do! Think of ways he touched your life, and make your own toast to Callum and his life. If you have a chance to be with other people, share your stories and have a laugh or two!
I have made this into a bit of a treasure hunt for me. I am hoping to have people from all over the world do this.
Please send me an email to let me know your beverage of choice and share your story or toast with me, if you like. I will let you know Fri or Sat what “the stats” were.
I am sure tomorrow will have its share of tears. But I am hoping that each of us can share a thought or story, and have a smile, maybe even a laugh.
Please check out the article below!!
The Mourner's Bill of Rights
Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain "rights" no one should try to take away from you.
The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.
1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.
No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don't allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.
2. You have the right to talk about your grief.
Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don't feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.
3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.
Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don't take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.
4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.
Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don't allow others to push you into doing things you don't feel ready to do.
5. You have the right to experience "griefbursts."
Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.
6. You have the right to make use of ritual.
The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen.
7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.
If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.
8. You have the right to search for meaning.
You may find yourself asking, "Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?" Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, "It was God's will" or "Think of what you have to be thankful for" are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.
9. You have the right to treasure your memories.
Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.
10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.
Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.
Lorna, I love this article. Do you mind if I borrow it and use it on my blog. Also, I have found a young widows group on facebook I would like to share this with, if it is okay!
ReplyDeleteI continue to pray that the road is less bumpy!