I hope I don't make you guys dizzy with my ever changing emotions! I have a feeling this will be a wild ride!!
Today was a better day. Last night I re-read some of my posts from the last week or so. I saw a theme of me longing, nearly begging, for Callum to once again tell me things would be OK. Then I remembered a couple of things that happened when he was in the hospital.
I think it was either sometime on Saturday or maybe Sunday - hard for me to exactly remember when it happened. I was alone with him in his room, holding his hand. He asked me if he missed doing anything. I don't remember if he said much more than that, but I do believe he was asking if there was anything else he needed to do before he died. Lovingly, I let him know that everything was looked after and we would be fine.
The other thing happened late Saturday night. It was about 11 pm. Vanessa had stayed late that evening and was just getting ready to leave. We were standing on either side of Callum's bed, saying good night. Each of us held his nearest hand in our hand, and the tears started rolling down our faces and the quiet sobs started. Callum squeezed our hands and said "It will be all right. It will be all right.".
I reflected on these two events over the past day. I finally realized that Callum had already told us things would be OK. And just as he had to trust me when I said everything was looked after for us, I need to trust him, and those near to his last words, that I/we will be OK.
After this reflection I felt a burden was lifted. I realized that I wasn't disrespecting Callum and his memory by having happy moments and looking towards the future. In fact, it was more disrespectful to NOT find some joy and happiness, and make future plans. His wishes always were that I wouldn't be sad he was gone (well, I can't make that wish come true) and that I continue with my life, take the time to do something I love, start a business, go back to school - whatever I wanted to do. He wanted to be sure I was looked after and wouldn't have to work at a job I didn't like, and that I could enjoy some travel. He wanted me to return to golf. And of course, he wanted to be sure family remained all important. That we treasure the moments we have together and always love one another. Those wishes I can make come true.
It is in that spirit and awakening that I started this day with a coffee, a ciabatta bun with Bygarski Honey (the best honey ever!), surfing the net, answering emails, then spending time with Vanessa and Stuart while Cade played in his pool, enjoying supper with them, and booking my winter vacation to Ixtapa. Later, as I watched the computer screensaver of random family pictures, I had a tear or two, but was then able to smile and start to remember the joy we shared. It felt good to smile.
Does this mean I have no pain? Not at all. Does this mean I don't miss Callum? Not at all - I still think of him nearly every minute. I would give up my "new life" to have him back - in a heartbeat. I would give up a lot more than that if it would mean he would come back to us. But it won't happen. Nothing can bring him back. I now can only gain strength through his spirit and his memory. I trust him, and that when he said it will be all right, it really will be OK.
I know there will be a lot of pain to come in the future. Holidays, special days, when Cade looks for his Grandad. But it is so important for all of us to live, and enjoy a joyful and satisfying life.
That is what he wanted for all of us.
TTFN
Lorna
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