Halloween and Memories

Pirate Lorna - housewarming party

Things have been slowing down a bit the last couple of weeks. Most of the last month I have been busy with this or that, and pretty much avoiding grieving if I could.  I think I would like to write a "how to grieve for dummies" book because I just don't know what to expect. All the professionals say it is an individual thing and nothing is wrong when it comes to grieving. I can grieve however I want, and however I need to. That doesn't help me much some days. I am moulded into a deadlines, guidelines and goals. I like checking off to do lists. I like challenges, but with a plan to meet them - and some kind of evidence I have completed the necessary steps. Grieving is not like that. Sometimes I feel like I have a grip on it, and the next minute I have a grief outburst, a good cry, often followed by a nap - it can be exhausting.  I am trying to get back to some kind of "normal", but to be honest, I have no idea what normal is anymore. I am only now realizing how absolutely abnormal my life has been for most of the past 3 - 5 years. Overall, I think I am getting better everyday, but some days.....well, there are days that I am reminded of the physical and emotional intensity of grieving. 

I have started back into some activities. I have joined the senior community concert band - 10th flute! I love playing music again. I have been taking an intro to Photoshop course and an online InDesign course. All in preparation of my upscale slideshow business I will launch next year. The concentration is getting better - but these things truly tell me what kind of day I am having!  I can almost completely  concentrate during a 2 hr rehearsal, and the 3 hr photoshop course is good for about 2 hours.....then I wander a bit.  It's getting better though!

I hosted a bit of a housewarming get together last week - my way of giving myself a deadline for most of the unpacking and organizing the new home. It was a fun time and it only took me 5 days to get over the party and the getting ready for it! We had great fun posing as pirates and princesses for our pictures!

It's been a bit of a melancholy day. I have had good moments, sad moments and lonely moments.  It has felt very strange. Many, many memories coming to the surface. Good ones. But some stop me in my tracks. Perhaps because I know I need to be prepared for holidays and family celebrations to be different. But I didn't really think of Halloween. 

I remember making costumes for Jamie and Vanessa. I don't remember ever buying them one. I remember the Care Bears, the Raggedy Anne and Andy. I remember the rush to get the costumes done. The rush when Callum got home from work to hand out candy while I took the kids out. For years that was a pizza night because I just couldn't seem to make a meal, dress the kids and get the treats ready!  In the early years we had so little money that pizza was an extra special treat. 

I remember missing many Halloween nights. I seemed to be in night school for many of them, and worked a number of them, too.  I wasn't usually the one to hand out candy anyway - that was Callum's job. He really enjoyed seeing all the little ones dressed up. Even last year when he couldn't make it to the door, he sat in his chair and watched all the children go up and down the street. He didn't miss seeing many of the costumes! 

I remember I would hurry the kids home so we could jump in the care and visit Grandma and Grandpa, and Nana and Grandad. It was a very busy night, but a special family time. 

I have enjoyed handing out treats tonight. Although I am wondering if I am in a time shift. I saw Smurfs, Luigi from Mario Bros, Transformers, Rafael (a ninja turtle), Batman, and many others from the days of our children.  Many were superheroes of some kind - a nice trend! Of course, a few princesses and the cutest little dino you'd ever see! 

I didn't think Halloween would bring up so many memories.  Many brought smiles to my face and warmth in my heart.  Of course....followed by a tear or two. Thank goodness for happy memories. 

"Each happiness of yesterday is a memory for tomorrow"

Author: Unknown

TTFN