Life is full of transitions. Days go on, and we adjust and adapt. I have to admit, though, that some feelings I had today were as prevalent as the day Callum passed away. The last few weeks have been busy with paperwork, travelling, family, friends and settling into my new life. I spent the past few days in Calgary with Jamie and we had a great time. It was really nice to spend time with him. I look forward to the next visit!
Please realize that what I am feeling is normal. My feelings are normal. I have had support from many people.
But as I drove home, the reality of going home to the apartment, alone, really hit me. Things have been so busy that whenever I was home alone, I was getting ready for the next trip or looking forward to visits from friends and family.
This time is different. There are no travel plans for a couple of weeks. There are no visitors coming. I am here. I am alone. This is the next transition for me.
It's predictable. There are so many things to do when you are looking after someone who is ill. There are so many things to look after for memorial services. And so many things to look after for insurance and final bills. And then it slowly changes. Life slows down and hits you in the face again.
I have really missed Callum this week - if I could ever miss him more one time than another. He's not here to help me through deciding whether to build a home or buy a home. I want to tell him that the check engine light on the Porsche was only a sensor - once reset all is fine. I want to see him smile when Cade gives him a "high 5". The feeling that I am living a dream is back. I feel he will be waiting for me when I get home. I know it isn't true.
I think of the things people say to help me feel better. Please understand I say these things generally - there are no specific things said by anyone that has caused me to feel this way. Don't take any of this personally - it is part of the grief process for me. Thank you for support - I will still need your ears and shoulders-and you!
But there is nothing anyone can say to make it better. Nothing. Callum is gone. I miss him. It is just not fair. One of the books I am using to help me get through the grief process talks about how we have been taught to minimize our pain. When we fall and skin out knee, we get a hug, a cookie and told it is all better. We are taught to be grateful for the good things in our life. Losing my husband hurts. I am grateful he outlived all expectations, but it still hurts. I am grateful for the positive attitude he had. How he lived life to the fullest. But I still hurt. Those things don't take the pain away. I am so thankful we were able to travel and visit family and friends. Those were happy times. But I have many sad, and mad, moments. I so glad he no longer has pain. But I am mad he ever had pain to start with!! Knowing he is no longer in pain doesn't make it easier!! These feelings are normal. I should be sad, and at times mad. I need to work through the grief. Transitions - life is full of them!
I am now an "I" or "me"...not "us" or "we". I still say "us" and "we" - it's so hard to get out of that habit! I am quite an independent person - I know I will be fine on my own. It will take adjusting, but I can do it. But I miss him. I miss talking things over with him, making a joke and seeing him smile. I miss talking with him about what we will do today, what trip we will take next, who do we want to see in concert. I miss him.
Another transition I need to work through is how to accept help from family and friends. How to talk with them about Callum and how much we all miss him. I don't need to be coddled. I don't need to have people with me all the time any more than I should be alone all the time. Balance - I need to find the balance between being busy and time for relaxation, reflection and rest. One of my coping mechanisms is to keep busy - I have to be careful to not overdo it. I have to be quite deliberate at taking time for myself.
I look forward to some quiet time to think about the happy memories, to cry, to make plans for my new life. But life will never be the same as it was with Callum.
I miss him so much.
There's honour in a well-lived life...
there's healing in remembering...
there's hope in knowing love goes on forever.
TTFN
Lorna
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