The Show must go on!Yeah!
Inside my heart is breaking,
My make-up may be flaking,
But my smile, still, stays on!"
Queen (The Show Must Go On)
I thought I was doing OK. This week has been a wallop, though. So many things I want to tell Callum. I want to tell him about Jack Layton. I want to tell him that the editor at the Medicine Hat News has resigned. I want to tell him Canada Post has screwed up redirecting the mail. I want to tell him I had a great time with Jamie. I want to tell him Cade talked to me on the phone and told me he went potty at Kristi's (his day home). I want to tell him that Vanessa and Stu bought a new crib for the baby. I want to tell him the crazy condo people are still crazy and the property management co. isn't much different. I want to tell him that I connected with another Saskatchewan blog lady. I want to tell him I miss him and I will be OK but right now I don't know how. I want to tell him they finally fixed the 8th st and Boychuk drive intersection in Saskatoon, but eastbound 8th st is still a mess. I want to tell him they fixed the 12th St and Division Ave NE intersection in Medicine Hat and Finley Bridge has stupid lights but should be open again tomorrow. I want to tell him that Chris shot 38 last week.
But he's not here. Now that most visiting is done and I am spending more time on my own it is getting harder each day. I have never, ever experienced such pain in my heart. It is unbearable at times. It feels like a one ton weight is on my chest, and then it springs claws and tears out my heart. Tears spring at any moment, and many moments in a row. Do you ever run out of tears?
I try to be excited about a new place to live and the future. But there is so much future that is hard to face without him. It is just so unfair. I really thought we had gone though enough pain and grieving that I was aware of how much this would hurt. But I had no idea. Not even close.
I know others get through it. I know I will get through it. This is the hardest thing because I have no feeling of control. Even with the terminal diagnosis I had some control - with meals, medications, dr appts etc etc. Now I have nothing. Nothing is in control. The condo I am renting is sold and I have no choice but to move. I was planning on it anyway - but now I have no choice.
Sometimes I walk around in circles trying to remember what I am doing. I make silly mistakes. I don't remember things. All grieving. Damn cancer! I hate cancer!! This wasn't supposed to be our life.
How do you go from being a wife to being a widow? Interesting transition. What is your first feeling when you hear the word "wife" and what is the first thing you think of when you hear the word "widow"? "Widow" is a word that sounds so lonely and sad. And it is lonely and sad being a widow, although I am still a rookie so I am sure that changes at some point.
Been a couple of tough days. Good things have happened, but sometimes the good things bring both happiness and sadness.
The Light of Loving Memories
On the journey through our sadness,
There's a light that helps us find
A tender reassurance and
Some peace of heart and mind.
It's the light of loving memories,
With their gentle guiding glow.
To grace our days and
Smooth our paths
Wherever we may go. (Greeting card)
Here is a great video. It hits very close to home but certainly tells my story in a way.
http://youtu.be/pxy0uBbHLCw
TTFN
Lorna
I thought I was doing OK. This week has been a wallop, though. So many things I want to tell Callum. I want to tell him about Jack Layton. I want to tell him that the editor at the Medicine Hat News has resigned. I want to tell him Canada Post has screwed up redirecting the mail. I want to tell him I had a great time with Jamie. I want to tell him Cade talked to me on the phone and told me he went potty at Kristi's (his day home). I want to tell him that Vanessa and Stu bought a new crib for the baby. I want to tell him the crazy condo people are still crazy and the property management co. isn't much different. I want to tell him that I connected with another Saskatchewan blog lady. I want to tell him I miss him and I will be OK but right now I don't know how. I want to tell him they finally fixed the 8th st and Boychuk drive intersection in Saskatoon, but eastbound 8th st is still a mess. I want to tell him they fixed the 12th St and Division Ave NE intersection in Medicine Hat and Finley Bridge has stupid lights but should be open again tomorrow. I want to tell him that Chris shot 38 last week.
But he's not here. Now that most visiting is done and I am spending more time on my own it is getting harder each day. I have never, ever experienced such pain in my heart. It is unbearable at times. It feels like a one ton weight is on my chest, and then it springs claws and tears out my heart. Tears spring at any moment, and many moments in a row. Do you ever run out of tears?
I try to be excited about a new place to live and the future. But there is so much future that is hard to face without him. It is just so unfair. I really thought we had gone though enough pain and grieving that I was aware of how much this would hurt. But I had no idea. Not even close.
I know others get through it. I know I will get through it. This is the hardest thing because I have no feeling of control. Even with the terminal diagnosis I had some control - with meals, medications, dr appts etc etc. Now I have nothing. Nothing is in control. The condo I am renting is sold and I have no choice but to move. I was planning on it anyway - but now I have no choice.
Sometimes I walk around in circles trying to remember what I am doing. I make silly mistakes. I don't remember things. All grieving. Damn cancer! I hate cancer!! This wasn't supposed to be our life.
How do you go from being a wife to being a widow? Interesting transition. What is your first feeling when you hear the word "wife" and what is the first thing you think of when you hear the word "widow"? "Widow" is a word that sounds so lonely and sad. And it is lonely and sad being a widow, although I am still a rookie so I am sure that changes at some point.
Been a couple of tough days. Good things have happened, but sometimes the good things bring both happiness and sadness.
The Light of Loving Memories
On the journey through our sadness,
There's a light that helps us find
A tender reassurance and
Some peace of heart and mind.
It's the light of loving memories,
With their gentle guiding glow.
To grace our days and
Smooth our paths
Wherever we may go. (Greeting card)
Here is a great video. It hits very close to home but certainly tells my story in a way.
http://youtu.be/pxy0uBbHLCw
TTFN
Lorna
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