I told you it was going to be a roller coaster ride! At least that is how I am feeling the last week has been for me.
I returned to Saskatoon for a few days to get some business done. My friend from Ohio was up for the week so we had a great time visiting in between doing our own thing. She was visiting her mom, and they treated me to many suppers! It was nice to be looked after!!
Being busy is one of my coping mechanisms. It can be good to be distracted, but it can only last for so long. I am now learning how exhausting grieving and healing can be. The "fantasy land" of being busy did bring with it some energy I didn't know I had, but I am quite tired today after having nearly 10 hours sleep! Perhaps that is partly due to expending so much energy in my "grief burst" last night. As I travelled to the Hat I "left" the fantasy land and with each mile I felt more and more sad. I love being close to family in the Hat. But the realization that Callum wasn't waiting became a stark reality. I had a few tears as I was driving. And once I was home for a little while I became very sad and angry. I was so mad that he had so much pain at the end. I was mad he had to be so sedated to be comfortable. I was really angry he ever had cancer. I stomped my feet and cried. And cried. And cried. I was missing him so much and t was likely the best cry I have had since he was still in hospital. Perhaps that explains my exhaustion and need for sleep and relaxation.
No, I am not losing it. I am not in a deep depression (perhaps a bit of a minor one....but to be expected). This week I received some information on grief and healing. Apparently I am quite normal, which may surprise many of you! Last night, though, I was even mad that there was something I needed to grieve, it just isn't fair! Anger and deep sadness are to be expected, and are important to healing. I want to move past the pain, but I read that it is necessary to move through the pain. The pain, when it comes and how much it hurts, is beyond my control. I can only control how I handle these situations. And I need time to cry, be mad, eat well, exercise, be alone, and have fun. I need to be around people, but have time to myself. I need to have fun and have joy, but have days to mope, watch some movies and temporarily hibernate. This is all normal and expected.
Perhaps I need to look at this as a bit of a challenge, a "new job" so to speak. I will conquer the grief and heal. I will forever miss Callum, and think of him every day. And I will learn to think of him and feel joy for what we had together, happiness for all the good time, and I will smile and laugh. For now, sadness reigns.
Grieving is a necessary passage and a difficult transition to finally letting go of sorrow - it is not a permanent rest stop. ~Dodinsky, www.dodinsky.com
TTFN
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