Here it is, the 2nd last day of September. The month has gone fast for me, which I suppose, is a good thing.
I have accomplished quite a lot this month. I bought a house in Medicine Hat, I sold my house in Saskatoon, and moved all my things from the rented condo and the Saskatoon house into my new house. That, along with watching Jamie play in a golf tournament, a one day photography course, my first band practice and a trip to Manitoba, my time has been quite busy.
That's good, or so one would think. There are many positives to moving forward. But, for me, moving forward and keeping busy can be both a good and bad coping mechanism. In the busy-ness I had actually started to convince myself I was doing a lot better. That I was handling things OK. I was even taken off guard at how happy I was feeling at times. I suppose one cue I should have paid attention to was the sleeping, either sleeping in or having naps. I told myself that was because I was unpacking and getting to bed late. That I was over tired from packing and moving. Perhaps that was part of it .
But today, I "hit the wall".
Let me explain - I know many of you have felt this way. I was going along quite happily today. I managed to get in an eye exam on short notice (and all is well, thankfully!), and attended the Annual General Meeting of the Medicine Hat News Santa Claus Fund. I have chosen the Santa Claus Fund as my community involvement for now, so have joined the Board of Directors. It is a great group of people and some real exciting work is being done to help children have a better Christmas. I digress. I stopped at Shaw and dropped off my Saskatoon phone modem - a bonus for me, now I don't have to mail it back! I came home, grabbed a snack, had a great chat with a good friend, and then started to do some unpacking. I decided to carry on with my bedroom, so I unpacked the rest of my clothes. I opened the large brown wardrobe box from Saskatoon and took out a couple of my jackets. Next were Callum's clothes from Saskatoon. I didn't have time to go through them there and just moved them here to deal with them. I hung them in the closet. I don't know why. At first it seemed like they belonged there. It made sense. Then it happened. I "hit the wall". My arms and legs had no strength. They felt like huge lead pipes. Almost like a paralysis. I was looking at things but not seeing them. I tried to make sense of my thoughts, but I couldn't. I "hit the wall". Immediate, intense fatigue and heaviness. Cloudy thoughts.
This was a "hit me over the head with a 2x4" cue that I am still grieving with some intensity. I have had that intense feeling before, but not really often. My first memory was the day Callum was diagnosed with rectal cancer - that foggy brain trying to make sense of what was happening is something I'll never forget. My second memory of this intense feeling was the day we found out the cancer had spread to both lungs and a cure was no longer in the picture. My third memory is of the day he nearly died from sepsis. During the last few months I would experience a wave of these feelings, with varied intensities. However, I was taken aback today with the suddenness of this wave.
It's a good reminder to me to be deliberate in taking breaks, having fun, and getting enough rest. I avoid things by being busy. I know I need to move forward and start my new life. I can't sit around and mope. But I do need to be kind to myself. To realize I am still not able to do as many things in a day as I once could.
One thing I am going to start doing again is writing what I am grateful for each day. It doesn't take a lot of physical energy, and can help end my day on a positive note. Some days it may be hard, but important to be grateful for something!
So...here goes.
Five things I am grateful for today:
1) I had a great eye exam.
2) I have joined a fun and committed board of directors.
3) My driveway has forms, and nearly ready for cement.
4) I had a great chat with a wonderful person.
5) I have a stove that works properly and is easy to use!
Well, good night folks.
TTFN
Lorna
I have accomplished quite a lot this month. I bought a house in Medicine Hat, I sold my house in Saskatoon, and moved all my things from the rented condo and the Saskatoon house into my new house. That, along with watching Jamie play in a golf tournament, a one day photography course, my first band practice and a trip to Manitoba, my time has been quite busy.
That's good, or so one would think. There are many positives to moving forward. But, for me, moving forward and keeping busy can be both a good and bad coping mechanism. In the busy-ness I had actually started to convince myself I was doing a lot better. That I was handling things OK. I was even taken off guard at how happy I was feeling at times. I suppose one cue I should have paid attention to was the sleeping, either sleeping in or having naps. I told myself that was because I was unpacking and getting to bed late. That I was over tired from packing and moving. Perhaps that was part of it .
But today, I "hit the wall".
Let me explain - I know many of you have felt this way. I was going along quite happily today. I managed to get in an eye exam on short notice (and all is well, thankfully!), and attended the Annual General Meeting of the Medicine Hat News Santa Claus Fund. I have chosen the Santa Claus Fund as my community involvement for now, so have joined the Board of Directors. It is a great group of people and some real exciting work is being done to help children have a better Christmas. I digress. I stopped at Shaw and dropped off my Saskatoon phone modem - a bonus for me, now I don't have to mail it back! I came home, grabbed a snack, had a great chat with a good friend, and then started to do some unpacking. I decided to carry on with my bedroom, so I unpacked the rest of my clothes. I opened the large brown wardrobe box from Saskatoon and took out a couple of my jackets. Next were Callum's clothes from Saskatoon. I didn't have time to go through them there and just moved them here to deal with them. I hung them in the closet. I don't know why. At first it seemed like they belonged there. It made sense. Then it happened. I "hit the wall". My arms and legs had no strength. They felt like huge lead pipes. Almost like a paralysis. I was looking at things but not seeing them. I tried to make sense of my thoughts, but I couldn't. I "hit the wall". Immediate, intense fatigue and heaviness. Cloudy thoughts.
This was a "hit me over the head with a 2x4" cue that I am still grieving with some intensity. I have had that intense feeling before, but not really often. My first memory was the day Callum was diagnosed with rectal cancer - that foggy brain trying to make sense of what was happening is something I'll never forget. My second memory of this intense feeling was the day we found out the cancer had spread to both lungs and a cure was no longer in the picture. My third memory is of the day he nearly died from sepsis. During the last few months I would experience a wave of these feelings, with varied intensities. However, I was taken aback today with the suddenness of this wave.
It's a good reminder to me to be deliberate in taking breaks, having fun, and getting enough rest. I avoid things by being busy. I know I need to move forward and start my new life. I can't sit around and mope. But I do need to be kind to myself. To realize I am still not able to do as many things in a day as I once could.
One thing I am going to start doing again is writing what I am grateful for each day. It doesn't take a lot of physical energy, and can help end my day on a positive note. Some days it may be hard, but important to be grateful for something!
So...here goes.
Five things I am grateful for today:
1) I had a great eye exam.
2) I have joined a fun and committed board of directors.
3) My driveway has forms, and nearly ready for cement.
4) I had a great chat with a wonderful person.
5) I have a stove that works properly and is easy to use!
Well, good night folks.
TTFN
Lorna
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