The view from Callum's hospital room.

Here I sit in one of the comfy recliners in Callum's room in the Palliative Care Unit. I am sipping on my calming night time tea and ready to crawl into the cot that is tucked up right beside Callum's hospital bed. He has been less alert today. He got a pain pump which gives him more even levels of pain control. Unfortunately, with more pain control comes less alertness. It is good to see him will less pain, so we will just have small conversations when we can.

Last night was a good night. But what started off as a calm, relaxing morning turned into a moment of crisis when he had a major bleed just after 9 am.  It was stopped after 10 - 15 minutes.  He was given one unit of blood following that bleed, at his request. He had a 2nd, smaller bleed later in the morning. Things have been fine since then. Although we know he continues to slowly bleed somewhere, and it will just be a matter of time before he bleeds again. The nurses will do what they can to to stop it, but with now transfusions he will just get weaker and weaker.  The only good thing about that is there will be less chance that he bleed, and if he does, it will likely not be as bad. A small blessing.

He has slept most of the day but is able to talk a little bit, and ate all 3 meals.

It is a bizarre feeling to be here. I feel like I am in a bad dream and won't wake up.  The tears are flowing which each new visitor - it is hard to see so many people in so much pain. We will all miss him so much!!  It is so hard to believe that one day, very soon, I will no longer have my husband to hold, stroke, talk to.  He won't be there to laugh at my corny jokes or make sure I get to places on time.  Oh, I wish I could just kiss him and make it better.  It is far too soon for him to leave us. Knowing it is going to happen and being prepared does nothing to change the pain and the hurt.

There is no doubt the world is a better place because of him. We have heard from many friends, colleagues and former colleagues about how he influenced them and the difference he made to their lives.  I only wish he realized it. He remains humble and believes he was only doing his job - whether it was at work or with friends.  And he truly is a family man and has been a great model of a great dad.

Memories - such great memories......

TTFN
Lorna