Some of you would be aware of the term "basket case" which is often used for someone who is falling apart emotionally, in some way. They may be extra sad, very angry or just not in touch with reality. I am happy to report that I don't think I fall into any of these categories!!
However, while making the 8 hour drive from Manitoba to Medicine Hat, I had some time to think...and to feel. And I felt like I was a basket of emotions. I felt different nearly every minute. Here are some things that ran through my head.
I felt joy. We stopped at Vanessa's godparents place and Cade got to see a kitty, feed a horse a carrot, pet a 3 week old lamb and take a ride in the tractor. He had so much fun at the farm! It was joyful to be part of that.
I felt sadness. Callum would have loved to see Cade at this farm. It is one he worked on for a few summers. I'd like to think he was watching even though we didn't see him.
I felt relief. This is a hard one to feel for very long. But there is some relief that I am not waiting for the medication alarm on my phone. It is a relief to not have to worry about someone while I am driving. It is a relief to know that Callum is no longer in pain.
I felt excited. Excited about what the future holds. I am an now responsible for myself, totally. I want to start a business, golf, maybe volunteer somewhere, golf, will join the community band again, golf, plan a trip to Ixtapa...so many things to look forward to.
I felt afraid. I planned to stay at the apt tonight when I returned home. The anticipation caused some fear and anxiety. It will be the first night I spend alone in the apt. The real scary part is that this is the first time I have really lived alone. Callum and I have spent many nights apart, but never anything like this. It will be OK. It is weird here but OK.
I felt gratitude. I have such a great family and circle of friends. So many people worried about me. It is nice to know I am so cared for! I have a freezer with lot of meals in it and came home to a wonderfully clean apt. I spent time with Vanessa and her family and have talked with Jamie nearly every day. I am so grateful for all this in my life.
I felt anger. Especially at cancer. I hate that this has happened. I know many people lose loved ones to cancer - and I know it sucks for them, too! Somewhere in my heart I had this hopeful feeling he would continue to get over those obstacles. And then it seemed to happen so soon. From one day eating all 3 meals and talking, to the next one spent mostly with eyes closed and little to eat. So quick it seemed. I still wish for the "just one more" kiss, hug and I love you.
I felt faith. Can one "feel" faith? As it happened, 2 totally different songs about keeping the faith played nearly one after the other on the CD in the car. I like to believe that faith is about taking those steps when you can't see the end of the road ahead of you (kinda stole a quote here, but you get the idea). I believe Callum came on the drive with me. And I think he was once again telling me to just have faith. Have faith that I will get through this. Have faith that he is looked after and is comfortable. Have faith that he will "be around". And faith that we will continue to love each other even though we are not together on earth.
And I end the day with sadness, as I always do. Night time seems worse that other parts of the day. It is quieter with more time to think and feel. But I must deal with it and carry one. This too shall pass.
There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. ~Author Unknown
TTFN
Lorna
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