LWC - Day 20, Love, Grief and Healing

I told you it was going to be a roller coaster ride!  At least that is how I am feeling the last week has been for me.

I returned to Saskatoon for a few days to get some business done.  My friend from Ohio was up for the week so we had a great time visiting in between doing our own thing. She was visiting her mom, and they treated me to many suppers! It was nice to be looked after!!

Being busy is one of my coping mechanisms. It can be good to be distracted, but it can only last for so long. I am now learning how exhausting grieving and healing can be. The "fantasy land" of being busy did bring with it some energy I didn't know I had, but I am quite tired today after having nearly 10 hours sleep!  Perhaps that is partly due to expending so much energy in my "grief burst" last night.  As I travelled to the Hat I "left" the fantasy land and with each mile I felt more and more sad. I love being close to family in the Hat. But the realization that Callum wasn't waiting became a stark reality. I had a few tears as I was driving. And once I was home for a little while I became very sad and angry. I was so mad that he had so much pain at the end. I was mad he had to be so sedated to be comfortable. I was really angry he ever had cancer. I stomped my feet and cried. And cried. And cried. I was missing him so much and t was likely the best cry I have had since he was still in hospital. Perhaps that explains my exhaustion and need for sleep and relaxation.

No, I am not losing it. I am not in a deep depression (perhaps a bit of a minor one....but to be expected). This week I received some information on grief and healing. Apparently I am quite normal, which may surprise many of you! Last night, though, I was even mad that there was something I needed to grieve, it just isn't fair! Anger and deep sadness are to be expected, and are important to healing. I want to move past the pain, but I read that it is necessary to move through the pain.  The pain, when it comes and how much it hurts, is beyond my control. I can only control how I handle these situations. And I need time to cry, be mad, eat well, exercise, be alone, and have fun. I need to be around people, but have time to myself. I need to have fun and have joy, but have days to mope, watch some movies and temporarily hibernate. This is all normal and expected.

Perhaps I need to look at this as a bit of a challenge, a "new job" so to speak. I will conquer the grief and heal. I will forever miss Callum, and think of him every day.  And I will learn to think of him and feel joy for what we had together, happiness for all the good time, and I will smile and laugh. For now, sadness reigns.


Grieving is a necessary passage and a difficult transition to finally letting go of sorrow - it is not a permanent rest stop.  ~Dodinsky, www.dodinsky.com

TTFN

Lorna

LWC - Day 19 Love - Gratitude

LOVE - GRATITUDE
The agony is so great...
And yet I will stand it.
Had I not loved so very much
I would not hurt so much.
But goodness knows I would not
Want to diminish that precious love
By on fraction of an ounce,
I will hurt,
And I will be grateful to the hurt
For it bears witness to
The depth of our meanings,
And for that I will be
Eternally grateful.
                              Shirley Holler Jeffrey

Tough evening...

I look at the pictures
Remember the happy times,
I can see you, hear you, touch you
But you aren't here.
Why did you have to go?
You were one of the good guys,
Too good to die so young.
Now I sit alone,
Wanting you back,
The pain is deep,
And so I cry.

The impossible...

I want him back.....

LWC - week 3 - At Home in My Heart

AT HOME IN MY HEART

When every new day has begun,
I'll see your face in the morning sun.
When night time falls and the stars shine bright,
I'll see your smile in the soft moon light.
When the song of a bird falls on my ear,
I'll think of your laughter and feel you near.
I will remember you always, we are not really apart.
For I have each treasured memory,
Alive and at home in my heart.

                                            Bee Ewing

LWC Day 13 - Better Days

I hope I don't make you guys dizzy with my ever changing emotions! I have a feeling this will be a wild ride!!

Today was a better day.  Last night I re-read some of my posts from the last week or so.  I saw a theme of me longing, nearly begging, for Callum to once again tell me things would be OK.  Then I remembered a couple of things that happened when he was in the hospital.

I think it was either sometime on Saturday or maybe Sunday - hard for me to exactly remember when it happened.  I was alone with him in his room, holding his hand.  He asked me if he missed doing anything.  I don't remember if he said much more than that, but I do believe he was asking if there was anything else he needed to do before he died.  Lovingly, I let him know that everything was looked after and we would be fine.

The other thing happened late Saturday night.  It was about 11 pm. Vanessa had stayed late that evening and was just getting ready to leave.  We were standing on either side of Callum's bed, saying good night. Each of us held his nearest hand in our hand, and the tears started rolling down our faces and the quiet sobs started.  Callum squeezed our hands and said "It will be all right.  It will be all right.".

I reflected on these two events over the past day. I finally realized that Callum had already told us things would be OK.  And just as he had to trust me when I said everything was looked after for us, I need to trust him, and those near to his last words, that I/we will be OK.

After this reflection I felt a burden was lifted. I realized that I wasn't disrespecting Callum and his memory by having happy moments and looking towards the future.  In fact, it was more disrespectful to NOT find some joy and happiness, and make future plans.  His wishes always were that I wouldn't be sad he was gone (well, I can't make that wish come true) and that I continue with my life, take the time to do something I love, start a business, go back to school - whatever I wanted to do.  He wanted to be sure I was looked after and wouldn't have to work at a job I didn't like, and that I could enjoy some travel. He wanted me to return to golf. And of course, he wanted to be sure family remained all important. That we treasure the moments we have together and always love one another. Those wishes I can make come true.

It is in that spirit and awakening that I started this day with a coffee, a ciabatta bun with Bygarski Honey (the best honey ever!), surfing the net, answering emails, then spending time with Vanessa and Stuart while Cade played in his pool, enjoying supper with them, and booking my winter vacation to Ixtapa.  Later, as I watched the computer screensaver of random family pictures, I had a tear or two, but was then able to smile and start to remember the joy we shared.  It felt good to smile.

Does this mean I have no pain?  Not at all. Does this mean I don't miss Callum?  Not at all - I still think of him nearly every minute.  I would give  up my "new life" to have him back - in a heartbeat.  I would give up a lot more than that if it would mean he would come back to us.  But it won't happen.  Nothing can bring him back.  I now can only gain strength through his spirit and his memory.  I trust him, and that when he said it will be all right, it really will be OK.

It is still sinking in that I won't see or hear him again. Thank goodness for pictures and memories - they will help him live on forever in our hearts and minds.

I know there will be a lot of pain to come in the future. Holidays, special days, when Cade looks for his Grandad.  But it is so important for all of us to live, and enjoy a joyful and satisfying life.

That is what he wanted for all of us.

Some days there won't be a song in your heart.  Sing anyway.  ~Emory Austin


TTFN
Lorna

LWC Day 12 - Grief

" Good Grief!"  Many of us remember these words made famous by Charlie Brown.  Grief is good. It is part of a healing process. The catch - it can hurt like hell!

According to the Merriam Webster online dictionary, grief is  "a deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement."


 That would explain the pain. We are "taught" all through our lives to escape pain. Maybe that is why it is so uncomfortable to accept the pain of grief.  But it is essential to healing from the loss of someone close to our hearts. And it doesn't happen overnight. It is a process of good times and sad times. It brings guilt - at least for me it does. I have some survivor's guilt.  I feel like I shouldn't have fun yet, that it is disrespectful to Callum. I feel guilty when I look forward to my future, especially when I get excited about some of it. But that helps me forget the pain. It never means I forget Callum.  I think of him every minute of every day. It just isn't fair that he isn't here to enjoy life with me - with all of us. 


I think we both grieved a lot over the last couple of years.  As the damn cancer progressed I took over most of the household responsibilities.  I have already been used to shopping on my own, driving many miles, the many trips to unload the car from the parking garage, making meals....etc etc.  None of that is new. Together we grieved the loss of our future.  I had started "losing" him quite a while before he left this world.  We grieved the loss of our social life, the loss of his job, the loss of his career future - he would have made a great publisher!! We had started grieving all the family times we wouldn't share anymore - like the birth of our second grandchild. We were so thrilled to hear that a second grandchild is on its way, but it broke my heart when he cried because he wouldn't be here to meet baby bump in January.  It still breaks my heart. He was a great grandad - and would have been an awesome grandad to all the grandchildren. It breaks my heart that they will never know what a loving and great man he was. And how he so much wanted to be a grandad. 


So much grieving done, so much yet to do. Will it ever end? I have read that eventually the good memories start to replace the pain. That the joy of our life together will start to fill my heart and take the place of pain. What I really want is the impossible - I wish he would come back - that would ease the pain. It is a selfish thought, I know. I don't want him to have pain or fear.  I want him to have peace. I wish I could have it all.  It is not to be. 


And so the grieving continues.  I miss him.  I long to hear his voice again. I long to feel his warm embrace. I want to hear him tell me it will be OK.  


We have so many good memories....I will open up my heart and start filling it with them. 


Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.  ~From the television show The Wonder Years


TTFN
Lorna

LWC Day 11 - a basket case of a different kind

Some of you would be aware of the term "basket case" which is often used for someone who is falling apart emotionally, in some way.  They may be extra sad, very angry or just not in touch with reality.  I am happy to report that I don't think I fall into any of these categories!!

However, while making the 8 hour drive from Manitoba to Medicine Hat, I had some time to think...and to feel.  And I felt like I was a basket of emotions. I felt different nearly every minute.  Here are some things that ran through my head.

I felt joy. We stopped at Vanessa's godparents place and Cade got to see a kitty, feed a horse a carrot, pet a 3 week old lamb and take a ride in the tractor.  He had so much fun at the farm! It was joyful to be part of that.

I felt sadness. Callum would have loved to see Cade at this farm. It is one he worked on for a few summers. I'd like to think he was watching even though we didn't see him.

I felt relief. This is a hard one to feel for very long.  But there is some relief that I am not waiting for the medication alarm on my phone. It is a relief to not have to worry about someone while I am driving. It is a relief to know that Callum is no longer in pain.

I felt excited. Excited about what the future holds. I am an now responsible for myself, totally.  I want to start a business, golf, maybe volunteer somewhere, golf, will join the community band again, golf, plan a trip to Ixtapa...so many things to look forward to.

I felt afraid. I planned to stay at the apt tonight when I returned home. The anticipation caused some fear and anxiety. It will be the first night I spend alone in the apt.  The real scary part is that this is the first time I have really lived alone.  Callum and I have spent many nights apart, but never anything like this.  It will be OK. It is weird here but OK.

I felt gratitude.  I have such a great family and circle of friends. So many people worried about me. It is nice to know I am so cared for!  I have a freezer with lot of meals in it and came home to a wonderfully clean apt. I spent time with Vanessa and her family and have talked with Jamie nearly every day. I am so grateful for all this in my life.

I felt anger. Especially at cancer.  I hate that this has happened.  I know many people lose loved ones to cancer - and I know it sucks for them, too!  Somewhere in my heart I had this hopeful feeling he would continue to get over those obstacles.  And then it seemed to happen so soon.  From one day eating all 3 meals and talking, to the next one spent mostly with eyes closed and little to eat.  So quick it seemed. I still wish for  the "just one more" kiss, hug and I love you.

I felt faith. Can one "feel" faith?  As it happened, 2 totally different songs about keeping the faith played nearly one after the other on the CD in the car.  I like to believe that faith is about taking those steps when you can't see the end of the road ahead of you (kinda stole a quote here, but you get the idea).  I believe Callum came on the drive with me. And I think he was once again telling me to just have faith. Have faith that I will get through this. Have faith that he is looked after and is comfortable. Have faith that he will "be around".  And faith that we will continue to love each other even though we are not together on earth.

And I end the day with sadness, as I always do.  Night time seems worse that other parts of the day. It is quieter  with more time to think and feel. But I must deal with it and carry one.  This too shall pass.

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.  ~Author Unknown



TTFN
Lorna

LWC Day 10

Wow.....so hard to believe it has been 10 days since my sweetie Callum passed away.  I miss him so much.  I continue to feel him ear and am sure I hear him every now and then.  There are so many memories. We had lunch today at the Clear Lake Golf course, overlooking the 9th green.  From the little we could see the golf course is in great shape.  It gave me the "golf itch" a little bit more.  And then I started remembering all the Tamarack golf tourneys. Walking around the golf course while Callum played his matches. The stubborn 9th green was always good for a few laughs...and a couple of curses!!  It seems like I am missing part of my own body.  I think these must be the start of the toughest days. No more service planning, but  still having to call so many businesses to change names and submit insurance claims.  I have been closer to tears today than nearly any other day.  These are the first days of my new life and they suck. It just sucks.  I am so happy I decided to spend time at Clear Lake with Vanessa and family. It has been so nice to not be alone this week. And Cade is fun!  It's been a good week....considering.....

TTFN
Lorna

LWC Day 9 - R and R at the lake

I am sitting at the Siesta Cafe in Wasagaming - otherwise known as Clear Lake, Manitoba. We used to come here every summer for the Tamarack Golf Tournament. It seemed like the perfect place to get some rest and relaxation after the memorial services for Callum.  We had some thunderstorms and rain early this morning, but it has turned into a great day.

It has been a bit of a tough day.  One thing about not being busy is that you have time to think.  When you have time to think you start to see reality.  While I know and feel that it is real that Callum has passed away, it hurts so much to realize I will never, ever see or hear him again. I am so thankful for pictures and videos - it helps to keep the memories alive.

I had  some really tough moments last night. I was begging to have him back. I would have done anything to turn back the clock and have him here.  Where is Marty McFly and the time machine??!!

It just hurts so much. Grieving is so necessary but so, so hard.  I want to be tough, but I don't know if I can do it.  This new reality sucks right now.  I know it will get better, I know I will enjoy life again - in fact, I have many enjoyable moments now.  But the hurt never leaves.

I am enjoying sitting at the cafe using the wifi. Being outside is wonderful!  I am looking forward to bakery cinnamon buns for breakfast tomorrow. And maybe the driving range.......I am looking forward to trying to golf again......

The future is bright, but it will be lonely and tough for a while.....

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.  ~From a headstone in Ireland

TTFN
Lorna

LWC Day 7 - Brandon Memorial Service

It was a beautiful day today for the Brandon Memorial Service for Callum. There were a lot of people there - we had to use some overflow seating. Kind of amazing and awe-inspiring for me. We left Brandon just over 10 years ago and there still so many people who came out to remember Callum and support our family. It is a testament to the number of people whose hearts he touched in some way.
One might think that it would be easier because we had a 2nd service. It was still hard. Hard to have to admit he is gone. Hard to hear so many share stories and how much they will miss him. Hard to look at pictures and know he isn't coming back. Hard to see many people by myself when we would hang out together in the past. Hard to realize that he isn't just across the room, he isn't going to get the car and pick me up at the door, and I will never feel a warm embrace in his arms. will never. I will need to relay on memory to find the comfort of his touch and the warmth of his smile.
I know he is gone but I feel him near. I am waiting to hear his voice to once again tell me it is going to be alright.

I will find comfort in family and friends. I have had ongoing and amazing support in the past few weeks. I will find joy in my life again. But I will always carry some sadness with me. He is no longer walking by my side in this world. I hope that whatever world he found will let him continue to guide me - and to love me. Love never dies.

Ever absent, ever near;
Still I see thee, still I hear;
Yet I cannot reach thee, dear!
~Francis Kazinczy

I miss him....
TTFN

LWC Day 4 - heartbreak

The week has been quite busy and emotional. We managed to get all preparations done for Callum's memorial service in Medicine Hat on Thursday.  We packed up and I am now in Brandon, looking forward to a couple days of relaxation before the service on Monday.  It was a great day for driving- I am so glad I took the Porsche.  I was able to drive with the lid down the whole way!  A nice hot summer day, beautiful   blue sky.  I like to think Callum had something to do with the great weather and such a wonderful trip. It is still feeling surreal - I know he isn't here, but I can feel him near. There have been  more moments of reality today - a long drive can get the mind working more clear.  I miss him so much.  Still so many tears to cry.  I am so thankful to be surrounded by my loving family - it helps.  But my heart aches. I just want to hold him one more time....to hug him one more time... to kiss him one more time...to say I love you one more time.  But it is over...at least the worldly physical part.  One day at a time.....one day at a time....maybe one hour..or one minute at a time....

TTFN
Lorna

One journey ends, another begins - LWC Day 1

It is with immense sadness that I announce that my dearest husband Callum passed away on Monday, July 11 at about 5:45 pm.  He was surrounded by his family and love.

We are truly heartbroken. There is no way to really prepare for the hurt that comes after losing such a wonderful man. We can be glad that he no longer is suffering, but it just doesn't seem fair to lose him so soon.

There are many more painful moments to come, but we will have many wonderful and treasured memories to help heal our hearts.  He did not want us to be sad he died, but to be glad he lived and celebrate.

Funeral services will be held in Medicine Hat on Thurs. July 14, 2 pm at Saamis Memorial Funeral Chapel, and in Brandon, MB on Monday, July 18 at 10 am at Memories Funeral Chapel. Please contact me for any more information.

"Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force."

YODA, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Should You Go First

Should you go first and I remain 


To walk the road alone, 


I'll live in memory's garden, dear, 


With happy days we've known. 


In Spring I'll wait for roses red, 


When fades the lilac blue, 


In early Fall, when brown leaves call

 
I'll catch a glimpse of you. 



Should you go first and I remain 


For battles to be fought, 


Each thing you've touched along the way 


Will be a hallowed spot.


I'll hear your voice, I'll see your smile, 


though blindly I may grope, 


The memory of your helping hand 


Will buoy me on with hope. 



Should you go first and I remain 


To finish with the scroll, 


No length'ning shadows shall creep in 


To make this life seem droll. 


We've known so much of happiness, 


We've had our cup of joy, 


And memory is one gift 


That death cannot destroy. 



Should you go first and I remain, 


One thing I'd have to do; 


Walk slowly down that long, lone path, 


For soon I'll follow you.

I'll want to know each step you take 


That I may walk the same, 


For some day down that lonely road 


You'll hear me call your name. 
--A.K. Roswell

TTFN

Lorna

Pain, Pain, Go Away

I can't believe how much pain a body can produce. The pain in Callum's knee has been excruciating for him. He needs to be fairly sedated to keep him comfortable.

I don't understand how this can happen to such a great person. And someone who has already endured so much. Why does he need this pain? Why does he have to risk bleeding?  I am feeling, more than ever, that we have been once again robbed. Not only will we have to say good bye forever, he is not able to communicate and enjoy his family and friends these past few days. So moments taken from us. And at his expense. Thank goodness there are lots of drugs to make him comfortable. It helps to seem have some peace.

We know with each passing minute we are getting closer to losing him. Tears are starting to flow more freely. We have shared many stories with family and friends. He does smile when he hears something he likes. At least we can give him that. He did smile and have a few words throughout the day. But he is weaker and things are progressing.

The nightmare hasn't ended. And it won't. This is no bad dream. It is our reality, as surreal as it is.  I may be spending the last night with the man I chose to spend my life with. And what a life he gave me.

Thank you Callum. I love you.  And always will.

Love Forever, Lorna

The view from Callum's hospital room.

Here I sit in one of the comfy recliners in Callum's room in the Palliative Care Unit. I am sipping on my calming night time tea and ready to crawl into the cot that is tucked up right beside Callum's hospital bed. He has been less alert today. He got a pain pump which gives him more even levels of pain control. Unfortunately, with more pain control comes less alertness. It is good to see him will less pain, so we will just have small conversations when we can.

Last night was a good night. But what started off as a calm, relaxing morning turned into a moment of crisis when he had a major bleed just after 9 am.  It was stopped after 10 - 15 minutes.  He was given one unit of blood following that bleed, at his request. He had a 2nd, smaller bleed later in the morning. Things have been fine since then. Although we know he continues to slowly bleed somewhere, and it will just be a matter of time before he bleeds again. The nurses will do what they can to to stop it, but with now transfusions he will just get weaker and weaker.  The only good thing about that is there will be less chance that he bleed, and if he does, it will likely not be as bad. A small blessing.

He has slept most of the day but is able to talk a little bit, and ate all 3 meals.

It is a bizarre feeling to be here. I feel like I am in a bad dream and won't wake up.  The tears are flowing which each new visitor - it is hard to see so many people in so much pain. We will all miss him so much!!  It is so hard to believe that one day, very soon, I will no longer have my husband to hold, stroke, talk to.  He won't be there to laugh at my corny jokes or make sure I get to places on time.  Oh, I wish I could just kiss him and make it better.  It is far too soon for him to leave us. Knowing it is going to happen and being prepared does nothing to change the pain and the hurt.

There is no doubt the world is a better place because of him. We have heard from many friends, colleagues and former colleagues about how he influenced them and the difference he made to their lives.  I only wish he realized it. He remains humble and believes he was only doing his job - whether it was at work or with friends.  And he truly is a family man and has been a great model of a great dad.

Memories - such great memories......

TTFN
Lorna

Changes

Everyone goes through changes. Big. Small, Expected. Unexpected. Planned. Unplanned. And some just come whether you like it or not. 

Callum had another bleed Tuesday night. We decided to give both of us a rest and have him take a respite night in the Palliative Care Unit. It was not long before he was considering whether he should make this a more permanent stay. The catch is, that if he chooses to come into the Palliative Care Unit, there will be fewer and fewer steps taken to prolong his life.  Some important decisions to yet make.

He had a unit of blood tonight and will have another unit tomorrow. He will stay in the Palliative Care Unit while we will take a few days to decide what he wants to do next. 

Changes we knew were coming.  Changes we wish weren't coming.  Life is not fair. He doesn't deserve this. Our family doesn't deserve. Cancer doesn't care. It just doesn't care.  

I would love to put a positive spin on this, but most of you already know what I would say. Part of the grieving is to acknowledge how much this sucks, how much this hurts, and how much we will miss him.      We need to be grateful for the good things, but it does not minimize the pain. 

I'll always be beside you until the very end, wiping all of your tears away, being your best friend.  I'll smile when you smile and feel all the pain you do, and if you cry a single tear, I promise I'll cry too.  Author Unknown

TTFN

Lorna