Just when it couldn't get better!

We hope everyone has had a great Christmas season. We had a truly wonderful and special Christmas this year. The best present we got was the news that in June we are going to be grandparents! Vanessa and Stuart are so excited, as is the rest of the family. They chose a real neat way to tell us. They wrapped up a picture frame (see picture) and had Callum open it. It was absolutely one of the most emotional experiences we have ever had as a family! Vanessa is doing quite well and I have already found a sale at Gap for Kids! (thanks Raegan for introducing me to that store!).  2009 is going to be a great year! 

The Christmas week was busy, but we were just thrilled to have so many of our family take the time to share it with us. It was very special for us to have most of Callum's family with us. The cousins are now at an age where they reminisce about the past. Family memories are so wonderful and should be cherished. We had many days where we didn't have to think of the "c" word. We were able to enjoy the holiday season like most families do and are so very thankful for being able to do this. 

Callum had a fairly quick recovery from the last chemo treatment.  He said he hadn't felt that good since about September. He was busy cooking for about 5 days. He has such passion for cooking and loves to prepare new things. We are so lucky - we ate really well for a week!

I am now sitting in a hotel room in Calgary. We heard of some nasty weather headed to Saskatchewan so decided to grab an earlier flight and had to leave at 6 am! We were up at 3:30 am so booked a day room at an airport hotel. We are really excited for our trip and feel a lot more comfortable knowing we are in Calgary. Our flight to London had been moved up so we had only 45 minutes from the time we landed in Calgary until we had to board again - not enough time for our comfort if there were weather delays.

We wish each of you a very Happy New Year and all the best for 2009!

A happy New Year! Grant that I
May bring no tear to any eye
When this New Year in time shall end
Let it be said I've played the friend,
Have lived and loved and labored here,
And made of it a happy year.
~Edgar Guest

Happy New Year!

TTFN

Lorna

Good days - yeah!

This had been a pretty good week.  Callum had chemo on Wednesday and most side effects have been quite manageable. The neuropathy - the tingling in his hands and mouth when cold - are a bit worse this time around, but the nausea and fatigue aren't nearly as bad. In fact, he has even got back in the kitchen this weekend all ready! 

My sister and brother-in-law, Karen and Brent, were here Saturday night on their way through to Brandon. We had a great visit and it was so nice that Callum was feeling so well. We don't want to get our hopes up, but it does look like he will have a really good Christmas and our trip to Scotland will be great! It is so good to see him nearly back to himself. One way I know how he is doing after treatment is the way he communicates. When he is feeling pretty rough he grunts and uses had signals to communicate. When he is feeling OK he actually talks. We have had hardly any hand signals this weekend! He is feeling a little tired today, but that is understandable as this is usually one his worst days after chemo. If this is as bad as it gets this time I will be thrilled!

Only 4 more sleeps until Christmas! I am so excited this year and looking forward to having a Scott Christmas. Only 2 more sleeps until some arrive, and 3 more sleeps til the rest of the family is here. And only 10 more sleeps until we are off to Scotland! We will have a busy week and a half!

It is absolutely frigid here now. This morning was -36 with a wind chill of -48 - eeks! It doesn't look like it will likely be warming up anytime soon, either! We hope all of you are able to keep warm!

"Real life is not always going to be perfect or go our way, but the recurring acknowledgment of what is working in our lives can help us not only survive but surmount our difficulties."
Sarah Ban Breathnach

TTFN

We made it to Carvers!

Well, we made it to Carvers! I am not sure if any of you have kept track, but we had been trying to go to Carvers, the best dinner place in Saskatoon, for our anniversary supper. We have made 4 reservations since September, and voila! , we made it their last night. It was absolutely wonderful! I had forgotten how wonderful it was to go there and have someone escort you to your  chair after you were at the washroom. Great food great wine and of course, great company! Callum ate more at that one sitting than he has in whole day the last month. 

One slight disappointment in the past week is that my application for short term disability was declined. My Board is behind me 100%, but we are dealing with an insurance company and apparently my life stresses are not really a medical illness according to them. So, Callum and I discussed it, and with the support of my Board, I will go back to work about 20 hours a week until the end of January and see where things are at then. With Christmas and our Scotland trip in there it really won't be hard to do. I will work what I can now and if that needs to change in the future I can make that happen. Oh well, I had 4 weeks off so I think I have recharged myself and manage for a while again.

All in all things are fine. We are trying to keep warm and be ready for Christmas. Callum had chemo today so we hope he has a speedy recovery this time - he said he has decided to not be tired so I am sure he will be fine.

That 's it for now.

TTFN

Lorna

Here we are - nearly 2 weeks since I have blogged. Time flies when you are having fun, so they say!  Well, we haven't really had much fun but it is getting better. I was getting tired of writing about the nasty side of cancer, so I was waiting for things to get better before I wrote again.

It has been a long couple of weeks. Callum struggled with a lot of fatigue the first week of December. The day before his last chemo treatment he was awake only about 6 hours the whole day. We weren't able to keep our anniversary reservation at Carvers so will try again this Tuesday. His white blood cell count was down a bit but Dr. A. decided to go ahead with a reduced dose of chemo along with a 10 day course of antibiotics to prevent any infections. For the most part Callum tolerated the treatment OK, except for the fatigue. We discovered that his blood pressure was low so he has quit taking his high blood pressure meds for now. His blood pressure is a wee bit better now but still not where it should be. We think this is the likely reason for most of the ongoing fatigue he might feel. We are having fun with the diet. Sometimes what he thinks is appetizing is not quite appetizing to his tastebuds! The chemo messes with the tastebuds so what was once a favourite meal comes off the menu! 

Last Sunday we had to let the Avalon go. It was a sad moment, as was the next day when I had to go cancel the insurance and registration. Callum will now have to do his research to pick out his Mercedes so he is ready when he gets his license back! 

The last couple of days have been good - Callum seems to be nearly back to his usual self.  We were able to get out to watch the Blades kick the Wheaties on Wednesday. Callum took a lot of ribbing as he proudly wore his Wheat King jersey.  I spent more than a few days getting the decorating done for Christmas. It is always interesting trying to figure out what to put where in a new house.  We were out to the mall on Thursday and had a quick shopping trip out on Friday. We are in a deep freeze for weather right now so will not be venturing out too much. 

We are busy planning and shopping for Christmas. It is so exciting this year with having most of Callum's family here for Christmas. It has been many years since we have shared the holiday season with them. We have been diligently watching the Food Network to find new things to cook and some tips on how to make our favourite dishes even better. 

It is now only 17 sleeps until we leave for Scotland. We are all really excited for our family holiday.  

Callum has a CT scan on his chest, abdomen and pelvis  on Dec 15, his next chemo is Dec 17 and has his next MRI on his head on Jan 28. We look forward to more good news when we get the test results. 

"In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins; not through strength, but through persistence. "  Buddha

Have a safe and happy holiday season!

TTFN

Back to reality.......

Well, here we are, back into reality. It was so nice to be away and not have to deal with life!  We left Ixtapa on Saturday and arrived home on Sunday. We had a few precious hours of sleep Saturday night so we are both quite tired. Callum has been very tired for a few days. We aren't sure if it is because he was relaxing, or if it was the heat, or the fact that he was bit by a great black wasp  www.pbase.com/crocodile/image/34100054

He certainly hasn't felt as good as he should given that it is nearly 3 weeks since his last chemo treatment. We were really looking forward to this extra week being so good for him - it has been quite disappointing that he is so tired and nauseous.

Today was a particularly hard day. This morning Callum went into work to tell his staff that his short term disability had run out and he is now on long term disability. I drove him to the office and stayed in his office to wait for him. It didn't take long to see why he loves it there so much. Before the meeting some of his staff popped in. There were smiles and laughs - I was able to see how much he enjoyed those relationships. And after the meeting - more proof. Within a few minutes there were no less than 6 people who had stopped in his office to say good bye, good luck and Merry Christmas. There were lots of thank you's, and I noticed a few tears, too. I really have never seen him in his "work world". We usually kept work and home fairly separate. I think it was a good thing I was there today. He came back from the meeting and I gave him a hug. In his office. Where people could see. He is not known for his public affection - I know it was very tough on him. Although I really have no idea what it must feel like for him. I am usually quite intuitive and empathetic - but this one is beyond anything I have encountered. I had a couple of tears, too. Reality sucks. It feels like another punch in the stomach to me.....imagine what it must be like for Callum.

The other dose of reality this week is the Toyota. It will be picked up on Saturday. We are turning it back in to Red Deer Toyota since it will be at least a year before Callum could get his driver's license reinstated.

Some people wonder how people fight cancer.  Fighting cancer is about so much more than fighting an abundance of abnormal cells ravaging your body. There are many ups and downs. Good test results. Bad test results. Hope. Fear. Hope. Hope. Sadness. Anger. Hope. Cancer strips you down - takes away so many things, one nibble at a time. And sometimes it is a great big giant bite. We must have hope. We must keep positive. But we still get punched in the gut and have to go on.  And we must deal in reality from time to time. Incurable. A very hard word to look at some times. Chemo until you can no longer tolerate side effect or the cancer grows again. Reality. Cancer messes with your mind. How does one deal with what is really happening and yet talk positively about the future? As Callum gets more and more tired I worry that this is about more than a wasp bite or heat.  And even if that is all that it is, I have a preview of what to expect in the coming months. And it hurts like hell. I get annoyed at the things I have to do when he is not well. But up until now he had enough good days to help out with many things. I am not sure when our days will change on a more permanent basis, but  it scares me when I realize that it likely will happen. I don't worry about me so much. I am more afraid of seeing my husband not able to do the things he loves to do, to not be able to do as much as he would like. To become more dependent. More sick. There it is again. Punched in the stomach. If I could wish for anything in the world it would be that he would get better.  

Please understand that I remain positive and hopeful - miracles happen everyday! But it isn't helpful to avoid the facts, as heartbreaking as they are.  Sometimes it is helpful to write about reality....get it out of my system so I can keep my strength to help us get through this....get the miracle......and life back to normal.

 "I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"
Dr. Seuss 

A great day at sea!

We have had a wonderful couple of days in Ixtapa.

We watched the sunset on the beach last night. Callum and Ray went deep sea fishing and caught 2 little tuna, a 6 - 7 ft sail fish - and the best thing - a 180 lb, 9 ft long blue marlin! They brought home some marlin for supper - apparently not really tasty - but great fun catching it! Val and I had breakfast and floated in the pool until the guys got home. We headed out for some shopping and the guys relaxed. Callum has been quite tired the rest of the day - hopefully he picks up tomorrow. We are very sad that we have only 2 sleeps left before we head home. This trip has been therapeutic for me and has been a great vacation away from our

cancer life. It is nice to have some "normal" things in our life. I know Callum has been tired - and frustrated a bit that he can't do things like he did before. But he doesn't complain, takes a nap when needed, and just keeps going. He is amazing and I am so very happy he got his blue marlin!

Hola

Hola!

We have arrived safe and sound in Mexico and are enjoying my sister's hospitality. The routine here is wonderful - get up, have coffee and breakfast, jump in the pool, make lunch, and then relax. Callum has done pretty well although he says he is feeling good, but tired. We think it is likely the humidity. He got stung by a gigantic wasp yesterday so we were a bit nervous until he got up this morning and all is well. The wasp is known as the Great Black Wasp, or Sphlex Pennsylvanicus - if you want to look it up.
Last week we made arrangements to return the Avalon to Toyota. It looks like Callum will not have a driver's license for at least a year and we have a year left on the lease. We don't need 2 cars and will keep the newest one (since it is the hottest car in Saskatoon!). They will pick it up on Dec 6.
He was happy to hear that he could cut back on his blood pressure meds - cut by 1/2. His blood pressure was quite low when he was at the doctor last week so we hope that with it back to normal he might get some more energy and have no more dizzyness.
His chemo schedule now changes to Dec 3 and 17th this month. It works well as he should be feeling better in time for Christmas and will be 2 weeks past the last treatment before we head to Scotland.
He sees the oncologist again on Dec 2 and should have a CT scan around the middle of Dec. I think we are back to the "normal" schedule of chemo treatments!

That's it for now.............
TTFN
Lorna

Another busy month

Good day all! 

We have had quite a busy few weeks. Most of you know by now that we had good news earlier this month - the 2 brain lesions have shrunk and nothing new is showing up. So far it seems the disease is stabilized - all due to the perseverance and commitment to Callum.  He is still feeling some fatigue from treatment and doesn't recover quite so quick from chemo but he is doing pretty well. He had been lucky to keep away from mouth sores for so long but he is now on his second outbreak of them. they aren't as bad as he has had them in the past, but they are still quite annoying! 

The last week has had a couple of "downers".  We found out that Callum is pretty much out of his short term disability time and is now dealing with the paperwork to go on long term disability. It breaks my heart to see how disappointed he is at having to take a step back from his job. He has worked so hard for over 27 years to get to here - and he just loves it. Then we had a call from his oncologist last week to let him know that he shouldn't be driving since he has brain tumours. It is illegal and he really shouldn't have been driving since June. It will certainly make a change to our lives and I can't imagine what it is like to lose that independence. He never says much so I don't really know what he thinks about it. I think it is quite depressing to him - yet another thing he has to rely on me to do. Not that I mind, but I am sure he doesn't like to have to depend on me. If he was really, really sick then it would likely be easier to deal with. But he is usually quite well at least 1/2 the time so it really sucks right now! But, better to not drive than hurt someone if he should have a seizure - even though it is unlikely. 

I have taken a medical leave from work until the end of January. I find that I lack the ability to concentrate for any length of time and get easily overwhelmed and fatigued. I think I just need some rest to recharge! 

We are headed to Mexico this weekend to visit my sister for a week. We are so lucky to have family living in Mexico in the winter! Then off to Scotland in January to see our wonderful 90 year old Nana and all the other relatives! We are taking Jamie, Vanessa and Stuart so we are all excited for this wonder family holiday! It will be so much fun. 

We are going to be in Saskatoon for Christmas.  The chemo schedule has changed somewhat due to the Mexico trip.  Callum will have chemo on Dec 3 and 17 so should be feeling better by Christmas, and in good shape for Scotland. Both kids will be here along with Callum's brother and his family.  We haven't spent Christmas with them for many years so are looking forward to spending this holiday season with them. 

Callum should be having a CT scan in Dec to check his lungs, abdomen and pelvis, and likely an MRI again at the end of January or early February.  Sometime in February he will likely have an ultrasound on his arm to check the blood clot. He hasn't had any issues with it lately so we hope all is well enough to stop taking the blood thinner shots. 

Well, that is likely enough for now.  We continue to stay positive and look forward to hearing that there is no more cancer in Callum's body. 

Til next time...Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” Mary Anne Radmache

TTFN.......

remember us?

I just checked the date of the last blog - 20 days ago!! Wow! It has been a very busy number of weeks. The daily trips for radiation continued until Oct 8.  My sister and brother in law came to visit for a few days. My brother and his family and Callum's brother and his family, along with Vanessa and Stuart joined us for Thanksgiving. We bought a MacBook and a treadmill. Jamie and Callum's brother Alan are here now for a visit. We booked a trip to Scotland. I wrote 2 grant proposals, prepared for a board meeting and attended the AGM and conference for our major funder. I had one day off in 2 weeks. I got glasses - yup - glasses!  Callum has had one more cycle of chemo. We had some "uncomfortable issues" with our cleaning service so we had to let them go. We hired a someone to clear our snow (thank goodness we don't have them yet!).  And, I am tired. Why do I always write when I am tired? I don't really know.  I have decided to take Monday off and have 2 days off in a row. Maybe a little "recharge of the batteries" to get ready for the next cycle of chemo. It seems that Callum is still having some side effects of the radiation as he has been quite tired - even until today. He didn't go to work until Thursday and spent only 1/2 day there. He was at work until about 3 on Friday but was quite tired the rest of the day. We sure hope he has more good days after this cycle coming up.  He still stays positive most of the time, but certainly has been quite frustrated with feeling so tired and not well for over a month now.  And he gets quite grumpy when frustrated......I have learned to bite my tongue a lot! It is kind of a new skill for me :) 

We are both still working at this point. We will see how the next couple of cycles of chemo go and see if it is getting time to look at cutting back at work and taking more time to be at home. I am sure Callum gets a little stir crazy when he is home alone so much. And he has been marvelous about cooking, but it seems that more often he gets nauseous when cooking so I may have to do a bit more of that. It has been wonderful that we haven't had daily trips to the cancer clinic. 

We just got our treadmill yesterday so haven't had a chance to really try it out. I am looking forward to getting back into some exercising and having it at home. No excuses now! 

And, now some words of wisdom:

Inner Strength

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep
pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people
with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be
grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy
to give you time,

If you can overlook when people take things out on
you when, through no fault of yours, something
goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without
resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,


THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY THE FAMILY DOG

TTFN

Lorna

Going....Going.....Gone.....again...........

Well, the radiation has done what we were told it would - Callum starting losing his hair this weekend. It is nearly gone again - just a couple of tufts and strands here and there. His hair had started growing back when he was off chemo, but it wasn't that long or thick this time, anyway. He said his head is getting sensitive - it will be a bit sensitive from now on. He is still quite tired although today he made a great Sunday breakfast. Alas, by the time it was done he was quite tired. Thank goodness he will rest when tired. He is getting quite tired of being tired. He seems a bit down today - feeling like he will never feel better than he does today. Only 3 more radiation treatments, thank goodness. Then a week off before chemo starts again. I never thought I would ever long for the regular routine of chemo....but I do. It is tiring just having to be at the Cancer Centre every day - and I don't even go with him every day. It just wears on you and provides a daily reminder of what is happening to his body. It will be nice to have a few days of not thinking about it.
We have had a quiet weekend which has been nice. I have been busier at work again so I am enjoying the time spent at home. Callum has been quite interested in cooking. He has spent many hours this past week reading cookbooks and finding delicious recipes to try. It is nice to see him interested and looking forward to doing something. He has decided we will do some kind of meal for Thanksgiving. It is something that is really important to him. We will both have a brother and family up here along with Vanessa and Stuart, so it will be a nice little family affair!
It will be so wonderful when he starts to feel better. There are people who want to visit and trips we want to take, but he just doesn't want to "go there" right now as he thinks he is just going to feel this crappy all the time. I just wish he would feel well enough to look forward to these things. It is hard for me because we are trying to balance so many schedules and we have to make plans soon, but he doesn't want to commit until he knows he will feel better. I just don't think we will ever have the guarantee about how he will feel 3 months down the road - this is one of those "leaps of faith" we will just have to take! It will all come together - I know it will.
Last week I picked up the packages for Canada Pension Disability and the Compassionate Care Employment Insurance. We aren't really that close to needing to fill out the forms, but thought it might help having them here and then we can work on them a little bit at a time.

I still find it hard to deal with complete opposite thoughts - plan for disability and death while remaining positive that Callum can beat this! It is a new form of brain gymnastics to me! This is one of the hardest things I have ever done. And we worry about very different things - he is so worried about me and how I will make out when he isn't here. I will be fine. I have lots of family and friends who will help support me. We are fine financially. It will be the first time I will have ever really been alone, but it will be OK. I tend to worry more about what happens between now and when he is really sick. It overwhelms me to think about him being really sick all the time - not just these few weeks here and there. I rely so much on his strength. I will need to find many new sources of strength so that I can share mine when he needs it!
I have ordered a treadmill - he promised me he will use it if we had one. And I need to get back to doing something and it needs to be easily accessible. Exercise is really the only thing he hasn't been doing that would really help him . I just can't seem to help him understand that he will need to do it for 3 or 4 weeks before he will feel the difference, and that it will help him get through the chemo treatments easier. He is quite fatigued, so I am sure he finds it hard. Hopefully the treadmill will help, even if he goes on for only 5 minutes at a time.

This has turned into a very long post. I suppose I should write more often. Sometimes it just seems to be hard to find the time and energy to stop my busy brain long enough to put thoughts together and write. Although, I am not sure this was the most coherent post I have ever written!

TTFN

radiation fatigue

I can't believe it has been over a week since I blogged. The radiation is taking its toll. Callum is very tired these days. The dexamethasone seemed to help him get over the nausea hump and he worked a couple of days last week. But he was exhausted on the weekend. He was a bit better on Monday, but was warned by the radiation techs that the fatigue will set in again during the week. And so it has. He had to have a nap this afternoon and was a bit grumpy before supper. He was much better this evening, though. He still gets a "funny tummy" every now and then, but is eating better. He will have a week of recovery between the last radiation treatment and the next cycle of chemo. He won't have chemo now until Oct 15. We ordered some Usana nutritional supplements that were recommended by the lead researcher at the Colorectal Cancer Association of Canada. They arrived today and Callum started on this buffet of pills at dinner tonight. It is quite a mixture but is expected to help lessen the side effects of chemo and radiation and help him feel better overall. The research is quite positive so we are sure this will help improve the quality of every day. It can take a couple months to get the full effect, but we hope it happens quicker for him. We met with Dr. A on Monday and mentioned to him that we were wanting to take a trip to Scotland, and wondered when we should be taking that trip - before or after Christmas. He recommended we take it sooner rather than later and suggested we do it before Christmas. We are looking at making this the family trip to Scotland that we were going to take about 16 years ago (better late than never?) and have Jamie, Vanessa and Stuart come with us. With all of our various schedules it is looking like we will be going in early January. This conversation led to a discussion about the change of life expectancy now that there had been cancer spread into the brain. Now, sometimes time frames are wrong and sometimes they aren't helpful. And there are some mitigating factors in this case such as the brain lesions were found quite early and the gamma knife is usually quite a successful treatment and would impact life expectancy. The bad news is that he said he would estimate Callum's life expectancy between 6 months and a year, possibly longer than a year. Callum is more determined than ever to prove him wrong and be here for a lot longer than that! We heard just this week of some new and exciting research about a potential cure - viral therapy. They are hoping human trials can start in 2 - 3 years and he plans on being part of that trial. Check out the story at http://www.colorectal-cancer.ca/ .
Callum's parents arrived on Sunday for a visit. It has been nice having them here, especially when Callum has been home during the day. My sister and brother in law will be here Monday for a visit, and then our brothers and their families, along with Vanessa and Stuart will be here Thanksgiving weekend. It will be nice to catch up with everyone!

I think that is all for now. I have been a bit tired this week since I was away at an art retreat on the weekend - I was the organizer, not one of the artists! It was a beautiful location and a great retreat, but I am looking forward to some time off next week. Time for bed tonight......

"May you LIVE all the days of your life" Jonathon Swift

TTFN

chug, chug, chug.....going up!

Quick note tonight. Things were better for Callum today. He even had Greek salad made for supper! He wasn't quite as tired or nauseas. He still has a way to go to feel back to normal, but he was a bit cheerier tonight. I think we are on our way up to better times! Maybe tomorrow he will even drive......here's to better days! Cheers!

cancer sucks

I hate cancer.....once more I utter those words. This is our wedding anniversary. Why don't we deserve a break from this wretched disease? I know the positive outlook is that we get to celebrate our anniversary together. Even if it is done at home...with Callum turning green while trying to eat. With me feeling mad that we don't get this one day without having to face cancer. I would have even take 2 or 3 hours! Mad that the cancer has made him too sick to even go buy a card - I know that sounds petty, but please read on. He is so upset that he didn't get a card that he won't open the one I got him. We never really have bought anniversary presents-except for our 25th anniversary. Sometimes I got roses, but our supper out was always what we did. I just hate this. On top of everything else he has to deal with now he feels bad because he didn't get me a card. He was supposed to be better today. He has no energy. Can't take more than about a half dozen bites before you can tell that if he took one more it might all come up. I called the nurse and we have more dexamethasone - the steroid he usually takes only for the first 3 days after chemo. I hope it works. He is so frustrated and has cranky moments....then I have cranky moments.....I just wish he would feel better. He is feeling so bad that he won't even drive.....so he lets me drive him - he has to be really sick to let me drive him this much! I tried to make supper as nice as possible - some candles and cloth napkins. About the best I could do for now. I really will treasure those good days now. They will be precious. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.

chemo takes hold

This has been the roughest day Callum has ever had on chemo. He is still managing to eat, but is very nauseas and had no energy today. He is sleeping quite a bit - I think that is mostly to cope with the nausea. The chemo taste in his mouth seems to be quite bad today. We are sure hoping that he perks up tomorrow. Monday is our 29th wedding anniversary and we are both hoping he is well enough to go out and celebrate. The odds were against us staying married this long, but we did it - might we once again beat the odds and be able to kiss cancer good bye? Wouldn't that be great? As you can imagine it was a very quiet house today. One of the ladies at the StarPhoenix gave Callum some apples and said they would be great for pies so I made two apple pies tonight. I also made a pecan pie - one of Callum's favourites. I spent some time putting some computer files on an external hard drive in the hopes of speeding up our computer. I am not sure that is the outcome....but I am still working on a couple of things. Tomorrow we will spend watching the singles matches at the Ryder Cup. It looks like it will be an exciting finish to the tournament....I love match play! I am sitting here yawning so I guess I should find my way to bed. Tomorrow is another day.
TTFN

and on we go....

First - the good news! The CT scan shows no change - things may have stabilized!!! We had that as a verbal report and will possibly hear more details on Sept 29 when we meet with Dr. A.

It has been a busy week. I was just starting to get used to having some down time during the week and here we are, back at it. I guess we were just needing a break to relax and re-charge our batteries to start the next part of the journey. When we met with Dr. K. last week we were thinking it would be early October before the whole brain radiation (WBR) would start. Well....here we are at the end of this week with the planning sessions and 2 treatments done. 13 more to go. Oh yeah, and another chemo cycle, too! This chemo treatment has taken Callum down a bit. Last time he was quite good until about Sunday. This week he has been quite nauseous and has said this is the closest he has been vomiting. The Gravol has been keeping it under control for the most part, but that also makes him quite tired. He has been doing a lot of resting and is having to eat smaller meals a bit more often. He is still so determined to keep nourished - he just isn't going to let it win! It does mean a couple of things, though. One is that I will be prepared to do the meals for a few days around chemo. I was very lucky that he was able to look after that the last couple of times. The other thing is that we sure won't be planning much for chemo weekends. Hopefully this passes quickly and we get some good time on this weekend. Although, one never knows - the next cycle might be OK again.
Callum says the radiation is kind of cool and that you can kind of see a blue light when the machine moves around. These are really quick treatments and usually we are in and out of the cancer centre in about 10 minutes. They have been right on time for these two treatments so we hope that is the case all the time.

I have spent a lot of time in the past couple of months wishing that Callum would start to think about when he might finish working and what we might do when he is done working and still well enough to do things he would like to do, or thought he would do in retirement. Well, as they say, "be careful what you wish for"......We have talked a bit more about these things and I have to say that it is harder than I thought it would be. I think I was trying to focus on those things because they were "facts" - and something perhaps I thought we could control. When the questions were in my head, they were just questions, they didn't have to have emotions tied to them. But when Callum starts to speak of these things, the feelings quickly surface. We must do it, and there is some relief that we have started these conversations. But it certainly means we are stepping closer to something I don't want to think about. The weirdest conversations are about things that will happen when he is really sick, and when he dies. That what the hardest thing in the world to type......:(
It just isn't fair. Our move to Saskatoon was to be the next part of our journey as a couple, filled with some financial freedom and loads of opportunities. All the hard work that Callum has done over the last 29 years has brought him to a job he truly loves in a city we both have come to enjoy. It was not to be this way. It just proves once again how precious each day is, and how we must do our best to make the most of each day. I think one of the biggest challenges each of us has is to go to bed each day with no regrets. Perhaps we can consider ourselves successful by going to bed just one day in our life having no regrets. After all, we are human. It is hard to be perfect every day!
Even with all this emotion around we are still positive. I have been told a few times this week that I am strong. There are many times I don't feel strong. A lot of times I just "do". I try to deal with what I can control, and sometimes try to control those things that are impossible to control. Believe me, I have my moments. I have been quite impatient this week. My concentration is nearly nil at times. On Wednesday evening I was so tired Callum said I looked worse than him! I am much better these past couple of nights. I suppose strength has a lot to do with keeping on with regular life. I think that even though much of this is overwhelming at times, there are many hours when nothing is going on. Continuing on with life is really the only thing to do. Some of it is coping. It gives us something to focus on. It helps us feel normal. It really is amazing at what you can handle when you have to. We keep on because we have the belief of better days to come. These few down days are what we have to have in order to have many more good days. So on we go......and look forward to those good days!
I know that in the past I had no idea what people fighting cancer went through. There are so many aspects to battling this disease. Tonight I went back to the information sheets for some of the anti-nausea drugs Callum takes during treatments. You almost need a matrix to make sure they are all taken at the right time and not when taking other things like antacids. Some tips for nausea include not eating hot food - letting it cool down to lukewarm or eating cold food like jello or popsicles. Sounds good, except that he can't touch or eat anything cold because of the tingling and numbness he gets in his mouth and hands because of the chemo. It is almost like you need to have a PhD to keep it all straight! Sometimes things change so fast. We think we have a plan, and then.......well, then radiation is over 3 weeks instead of 2. So chemo will now get pushed back 1 week in July.
Next week will have us at the hospital 5 times for radiation - I think those are the only appointments next week. So, hopefully it will be somewhat of a normal kind of week. We are hoping Callum has few side effects from the radiation and is able to have his regular "good days". I guess we will see.
“
“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.”

TTFN

things

We have had an interesting few days. Callum went to a managers' retreat this past weekend and got in some golf and fishing along with the meetings. He is still quite tired, as are most of the managers! I had a work thing to go to on Saturday and watched some movies - a nice, quiet weekend for me! I found some new bathroom accessories for the basement bathroom so am happy to have it a bit updated. We went to the Elton John concert last night - he was awesome! He had his band this time so we did get to hear Pinball Wizard - what a treat!
Yesterday we were saddened to hear of the passing of Edward, the other gentleman who received Gamma Knife surgery the same day as Callum. He was just shy of his 79th birthday. He looked quite well in August so we were a bit shocked. We haven't heard anything from the lady who had the surgery done that day so we hope she is well.
We have an appointment this morning with the radiation dept - likely the planning session for the whole brain radiation. We met with Dr. K. last week to confirm that we will be going ahead with it. He mentioned that with the gamma knife surgery and the whole brain radiation treatments being done so close together there is a slight increased risk of seizures post-treatment. Not what we really wanted to hear, but at least we are prepared. He is back on chemo tomorrow so it will be a quiet few days the end of the week. At least we have the Ryder Cup to watch on TV! I don't know how the PGA managed to schedule it, but Callum has had treatments during the week of most of the majors so has been home to watch the Thurs/Fri rounds- unless they were rained out. Well, I should get on my way and jump into the activities of the day!

I didn't think I could do it!

Well, I can't believe it is over 2 weeks since I have posted anything. Maybe that is a good thing - it could mean there is not a lot happening at the moment. As for Callum, well, the ultrasound of his arm and chest showed there is still an extensive blood clot in his left chest. So, Dr. A put him on warfarin, which lasted about a week. He has since changed to tinzaparin, which is heparin. So, now he has to have an injection every day and has a prescription for 6 months worth! A little pricey item it is - over $750 a month! Dr. A. applied for the government to give approval for exception status so we will have the cost covered - thank goodness! Now, this needle business has lead me to once again learn that to pay attention to that "never say never" saying. I never thought I could give anyone else a needle. And I thought Callum could do anything he needed to for himself. Well, on Sunday, after nearly an hour in the bathroom trying to gain the courage to give himself the needle, he finally asked me to do it for him. And I did - surprised the crap right out of me! I guess you never know what you can do until you have to do it! I gave it to him Monday, too, and that has now given him the courage to do it on his own. Well, maybe it really is because I stabbed him twice with the needle on Monday before I got it right! Anyway, he is just great with it now. He has been doing quite well with the chemo this cycle. We had friends from Regina and Winnipeg visiting Saturday evening and he was really good. He even made a couple of appetizers for us! We were both quite tired Sunday and had naps after the golf was finished on TV. It doesn't seem to take much to tire us out these days!
The long weekend in September we kind of hung around the house and watch Mike Weir contend for the golf tourney that weekend. During commercials I finished unpacking more boxes, hung pictures and sorted out the storeroom. It was both a quiet and busy weekend!
I am pretty sure I mentioned it in my last email update but just in case.....Dr. A did tell us that Callum will be on chemo treatments from now until either the cancer starts growing or the side effects are too bad. It was disappointing to hear at the time but we have rebounded from that news. He is still working most of the time - has missed only 3 days each of the last 2 treatment cycles. I think that as long as he is feeling well he will keep working and we'll see where things are at sometime in December, once the chemo has had a chance to work. He has a CT scan tomorrow (Sept 11) to get a baseline for comparison in the future. We also see Dr. Kundapar, the radiology oncologist tomorrow so should know when the whole brain radiation will start.
It has been a couple of weeks with intermittent strong emotions popping up every now and then. It is just so hard to believe he is so sick when most of the time he looks so good. He is quite a trooper - takes his 8 - 12 pills a day - the higher number when he is on chemo - they are the anti nausea pills. And now an injection every day. Then the tests and Dr appointments. He never complains -well, nearly never. Just does what he needs to do. It is absolutely admirable. Well, time to go. We have to be at the hospital at 7:40 am for the 8:45 CT scan.

"If I had my life to live over, I would perhaps have more actual troubles and less imaginary ones, eat more ice cream and less beans." Harold Kushner

Reality check and ramblings

Quick warning - this is going to be a long blog so be prepared to settle in for a few minutes - maybe grab yourself a refreshment! And please don't be worried - I am writing to help my process - I am really OK. The blog is how I work through the many things that comes with having a loved one with cancer.

I have marvelled this week at how well our brains protect us. They are such an incredibly busy organ! They make sure we continue to breathe and have blood flow, along with keeping everything in our bodies working like clockwork. And they even protect us at times from our emotions. I have had a couple of "processing" days this week. I am trying to get some things re-framed and back into a positive perspective. When we met with Dr. Ahmad he clarified for us that chemo will be something Callum will do now until either it quits working or Callum can no longer tolerate the side effects. We were both thinking that after 6 months there was the possibility that he wouldn't have chemo for a few weeks or a few months. Sadly, that is not likely what will happen. Reality check. Callum has not said much about how he feels about this new info, but he was quite grouchy Tuesday and Wednesday. He did have the port line put in and had to take some T-3's for the pain so that may have been what the grouchiness was about. Anyway, this reality check has started a bit more processing in my brain. I have been quite disappointed and sad that chemo treatments every 2 weeks is what we have to look forward as the "good times". It is possible for him to take a break from it at some point if he wants, but the reality is that most likely when he is totally done chemo is won't be because he is doing well. Of course, once I get this processed I will again be able to draw strength on the hope and belief that he will be one of those few people at this stage of cancer who will become cancer free. In the meantime, I am dealing with the reality check. We had been looking forward to the future in the terms of "when the 6 months is done" and making plans based on his recovery after the chemo treatments were finished. Now we will be making plans for the "good week" and hope there are no more complications. It also hit me these past few days that we are now, right now, living our "retirement". I think I was relying on those precious months without chemo to try and squeeze in our retirement. Now I see it will have to be planned around chemo treatments. Oh, how my brain nicely shielded me from these realizations. I have certainly felt more sadness about this during these past few days. Part of this process is also around Callum and his commitment to his work. I know how much he loves his job right now. He is having so much fun there that some days he says it doesn't feel like work! Work is what keeps him sane. So I feel so guilty and selfish when I wonder if we will have time to enjoy our "retirement". In my heart of hearts, I know to trust his wisdom and I am confident in his assessment of how we will figure out when he will need to no longer work. I am the real impatient one who either needs to know what the next 10 steps are, or I work at making up the next 10 steps! I am not a great "one step at a time" person. Callum is and he really has not disappointed me in the past. I find it hard to feel comfortable with what I think about what things we should be doing while he is still healthy. It feels like I am selfish and not taking into account his needs and wants. But what about us? His family? His friends? Is there a balance with everyone's "wants"? Oh, if it was only as simple as a bi-weekly chemo treatment! I think I am having a bit of grieving time. It is healthy at this point - sure don't want to save all of that up til the end! But I have found myself in tears a bit more the past couple of days. That is why I thought I better blog. I am hoping it will help me process this stage of things and get some of the stuff out of my head. There really isn't a reason for me to feel less hopeful or positive. Things with Callum are going as they should - and he is doing great! It is only my perspective, and the fact that my brain has let me process this information that has changed. The facts remain the same. I know that after all the things that have happened, it likely sounds kind of odd for me to say that these past couple of days I have felt like I am in a bad dream and living a life that "those people" live. "Those people" that I have in the past been very sorry for, and so thankful we hadn't had to face such things. I always thought we would be the people who were spared. It has been quite surreal. I think maybe we have been so busy and focused on the flu, blood clot and gamma knife surgery that I didn't have time to feel. Only time to do. And I am great at "doing". I am a doer. When faced with a problem, I fix it. I can't fix this. So I have to process it. Me. Process. So many of you know me quite well -can you imagine how foreign it is for me to "process" - and over many days? I have been doing OK with it, but it does seem odd for me to not know what to do - or to at least do something! I really want to emphasize how important it is to not worry that I am going off the deep end. This is normal. It is hard, but it is normal. In fact, maybe many of you will feel some comfort in knowing that we know the reality of the situation - we just choose to focus on the hope and belief that good things are heading our way. We are looking forward to at least one winter vacation to Jamaica. And we are hoping we are able to get to Ixtapa to visit my sister. And the chemo treatments, while really are long term, can happen for another year or two. I am confident he will respond well and tolerates the side effects, we will still have a long future ahead.
Well, I am feeling much better know. Thank goodness for blogs...somehow it seems easier to write on the computer than on paper. Thanks for "listening"

"Life is not the way it is supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference." Virginia Satir

Callum or Darth Vadar? Pictures.....(not for the faint at heart)

The day after brain surgery!













After surgery - only bandaids






Little spot after headframe removed














Headframe pins in front and back








Headframe and plastic helmut used for MRI and planning coordinates - side











Headframe and plastic helmut used for MRI and planning coordinates - front




Headframe side













Headframe - front

The night before gamma knife surgery

Gamma Knife

Things went really well on Wednesday - Callum was the star patient! We were at the hospital by 5:30 am, IV catheter in by 6:10, MRI done by 9 am. Then we waited and waited. There were 2 other gamma knife patients there that day. The lady was back for her 2nd treatment. Last year she had treatment for 23 tumours in her brain. All were gone after treatment but she had 2 new ones so that was what was being treated on Wed. The other gentleman had 8 tumours that were being treated. We were very happy to hear that neither tumour had grown much, and there were no new ones there. Very positive news! Callum went in for his treatment about noon and was ready to leave the hospital by 1 pm. We went back to the hotel and he had some lunch and a rest. He took 2 doses of Ibuprofen that day and has been really well since then. He has had a bit of swelling at the sites where he received the anesthetic and where the pins of the head frame were attached to his head. We played 18 holes of golf on Thursday - not bad for the day after brain surgery! I took some pictures that day so when we get home I will post them. There will be a follow up MRI in about 3 months, and it does take 3 - 6 months for the tumours to shrink so we won't know for a while how successful this was - but we are confident it was very successful. The did mention that sometimes the site of the tumours swell so they may look bigger at the 3 month exam, but not to worry about that.
We have had some great visits with family and friends - and some great meals. All in all it has been a wonderful week. Next week we look forward (in a weird kind of way) to resuming chemo treatments. We are hoping all goes well and we are done with the bumps along the way.


I must say thank you to everyone who has phoned or emailed best wishes to us. I haven't had the time to sit down and respond to emails or return calls - maybe I can get to it next week when things quiet down a bit.

Thanks to all of you for walking along this journey with us - we know you are all thinking and praying for us - we truly appreciate it.

TTFN

Gamma Knife consultation

Today we met with Dr. West, the neurosurgeon who will be doing the gamma knife surgery. The appt was just over an hour - a lot quicker than we thought it would be. Janice, the RN, did a medical history and then a quick neuro exam. Callum did quite well, although he did have a couple of minor balance issues. Dr. West commented on how lucky we are to have found these spots when they were so small. Callum had 2 fears before this appt - one was that something would happen and they would say he wasn't eligible for the gamma knife anymore. That one was put to rest quite early on. The other was that new spots would show up on the MRI on Wed and they would decide not to do the gamma knife. That one was also put to rest as they mentioned that since the last MRI was June 24 there was a chance there would be more spots, but they would just zap them while they were doing the others. We were so relieved to hear that. The team is absolutely wonderful and certainly comforting. The gamma knife surgery itself will take anywhere from 1 - 2 hours, depending on the treatment plan. Callum will get set up with a head frame, and then a plastic helmut that will be used for the planning and then it will come off. The worst part about it is that he won't be able to wear his glasses all day so will be pretty much blind.

This seems to be a wonderful thing for us right now - a ray of hope after a couple of pretty crappy months. Dr. West also mentioned that if any spots show up later they can do more gamma knife surgery. It is always wonderful to hear that more treatment options are still out there.

It will be a very long day on Wed, but one we consider to be another start to the road to remission.

I know I didn't go into a lot of detail...so please let me know if you have any questions. I will let you know how things go on Wed.

Take care,

time for an update...

It has been an interesting and extremely busy week! We welcomed my friend and her daughter from Ohio for a few nights while they spent time with family in Saskatoon. It was so nice to see them but we were all so busy we had to have short mini-visits! As both of us were dealing with family medical issues we did the best we could and it was a pleasure to see them. We also had some time to visit with our good friends from Regina - again squeezed in the visits and tried our best to take advantage of quality, not quantity of time.

The oncologist appt on Wed was OK. This doctor mentioned that the last chest CT showed some new spots in the right lung, but reassured us that Callum really hadn't had enough rounds of chemo to accurately assess how he was responding to it. Dr. Ahmad wants the chemo to start again as soon as possible, and it would have started this coming week had it not been for the gamma knife surgery.

Callum will do some blood tests on the 18th, have a port put in on the 19th (it is a minor surgical procedure) and will start chemo on the 20th and 21st. It has been a nice break without chemo and neither of us are looking forward to the sickness that Callum experiences with it, but we are confident he was doing well on chemo before and are looking forward to a successful end of the treatment. His last blood test results were good - in fact - the cancer marker in the blood (CEA) was the lowest it has been in over a year and fully in the normal range.

We are in Manitoba and will meet with Dr. West and his team in Winnipeg on Monday morning. We will meet the nurses and doctors, he will have an exam, we will watch a video and we should be done by lunch. Then we will go back about 5:30 am on Wed morning to start the preparations for the gamma knife surgery. We are so excited to have this done so we can start to concentrate on the chemo treatments and whole brain radiation and getting him better. We have a long journey ahead...but we are looking forward to the future!

Keep up the positive thoughts and prayers....this is going to be an exciting week!!

more family times...

Family times...

Here are the reasons we all stay young!!!

Thoughts on the weekend...

We had a great weekend! We were at the zoo - saw the white baby bengal tigers - they were so cute! The girls did a shop til you drop day on Saturday while the boys golfed. It was so good for Callum to get out golfing - he played pretty good which was even better! He had some minor swelling in the arm where he had the clot but it hasn't caused many issues. On Sunday we went to a park that had some kiddie rides for the girls - they had such fun! It was just a blast all weekend to have them here! They made it home safely and we now have our next guests - an old friend from Brandon. She is here to visit her parents so she will have a busy few days.

Life becomes so different when dealing with a serious illness. It is almost weird how the weirdest, outlandish things become your "new normal". Let me explain. Callum and I had been disagreeing on which brain tumour is bigger. I have been trying to get the MRI and CT scan results so we could settle the disagreement. I was telling my nephew that I wanted to get the MRI report so that we could find out which tumour was bigger because we disagreed about it. He kind of gave me a strange look and then laughed. I realized then at how bizarre that statement was. But this is what we deal with. We have daily conversations about tumours, chemo, radiation and doctors appointments. It seems so weirdly normal for us. I sometimes forgot that many households don't usually talk about brain tumours, and the thought of them at all is so frightening they find it uncomfortable. OK - we are frightened about it, possibly a bit uncomfortable about it - but it is the cards we are dealt with (I need another metaphor for that, too - any ideas!). So, we deal with it.

We are both doing well - taking a bit of a rest today. Then we will be getting things together for our trip to Manitoba. It will be another busy week but we are getting used to that by now.

Happy August everyone!

appointments and appointments, sunshine and great weather!

We have had a really good week. Callum is feeling much better - I am sure from skipping the last cycle of chemo he should have had. We found out that he is scheduled for gamma knife surgery on Aug 13 and we have an initial appt with the neurosurgeon on Aug 11. So, we will head out on Fri Aug 8 and plan to return to Saskatoon on Monday Aug 18. We were so happy to hear that Callum is eligible for the surgery. I don't remember if they will do the gamma knife on both spots or just the largest - I guess we will find out for sure when we get there on the 11th. It is such exciting news for us. We meet with Dr. Ahmad, the main oncologist, this Wed the 6th, so hopefully we will find out when he will be able to go back on chemo. With hearing that it is looking like he responded well to the chemo he has had so far, we would like to see the chemo treatments start again as soon as possible. We don't like the sickness that goes with it, but we know how important it is in the long run. Stabilizing the disease in the lungs is the next important issue after treating the brain mets. We have an appt scheduled with Dr. Kundapar on Sept 11 so it looks like the whole brain radiation will likely start Sept 15. That is a guess right now, but based on what he told us before that is a pretty good guess.

We have been enjoying our nephew and his family these past few days. Went to the zoo yesterday and the boys are golfing today and the girls are off to the mall. It is busy but so much fun!

We hope everyone gets a chance to enjoy the long weekend -we will!!

Take care,

radiation oncologist

A wee bit of news today. We met with the radiation oncologist this morning. He is an awesome doctor. Really quite thorough and explained very clearly why whole brain radiation is a good option. With the many things that have happened in the last month he didn't quite get all the info on why there was an urgent referral. He was quite a patient doctor and did an exam as well. I think this is the first exam Callum has had since we got to Saskatoon - with the exception of the neurological exam done by the neurosurgeon. He says the radiation treatment is 10 treatments over 2 weeks. Side effects are fatigue, nausea and vomiting - the nausea and vomiting can be treated with steroids. He says the research information shows a lot of success in increasing longevity with the use of whole brain radiation. It will take 4 - 5 years for any long term side effects or brain damage done by the radiation - they would be mostly cognitive - for example he might not be able to concentrate as well or multi task in meetings. Callum says he would be thrilled to be around in 4 or 5 years to have those problems! If Callum is eligible for gamma knife surgery, he would start the whole brain radiation 3 - 4 weeks after the surgery. If he doesn't have the gamma knife surgery, the whole brain radiation will start sooner.
This Dr. had a quick look at the CT scan from last week and says it looks like he has responded well to the chemo treatment. The radiologist report says they have no CT scan to compare it to - a bit confusing when one was done April 10. We will have a technician do a comparison report before we see Dr. Ahmad (the regular oncologist) next week. It might have to do with the fact that the scans were done at different hospitals. Oh well, at least this doctor had a computer and could look at the scans - he wouldn't say much since he is not a technician, but did mention that it looked like at least one of the spots had disappeared and there is now scar tissue in its place. He was sure to tell us there are still multiple nodules, but some spots were smaller or seemed to not be there anymore.
We should hear from Winnipeg by Wednesday this week and then have an idea of the process from here - at least for now.
We have a busy couple of weeks ahead - our nephew and family, Chris, Raegan, Karly, Danielle and Brandon are coming to visit this weekend, and then my friend from Ohio is up here from the 4 - 8th, and we will get some visiting with friends from Regina who are coming up that same week. We are so lucky to have so much support from everyone!
I will post again once we hear from Winnipeg.
TTFN (if you don't know what that means, check out a Winnie the Pooh story...:)

Another great day! Thoughts about hope.

It has been another great day. It is nice to be able to do some musing - which is what the blog was supposed to be about. Sharing my thoughts and feelings as I travel this chapter in my life - a way to have a written record of this important journey. Today I would like to write about hope. I know many of you have had very personal experiences with cancer or other serious diseases. And I know that even more of you have had lots of reasons to have hope - even when others think you shouldn't. It can be difficult to get your mind to do two very contradictory things when given a terminal diagnosis. You hear the facts, at least to the best of the Doctors' abilities, skills and knowledge, and yet have to stay positive and believe you will beat it. I think I may be stealing this statement, but what you need to do is "plan for the worst and believe in the best." Which really is what hope is - one definition is "a chance that something desirable will happen or be possible". We must have hope. And we all need to plan for the worst anyway. We just don't usually think about it until we are quite a bit older or when faced with a critical illness. So, we keep our hope and belief that something desireable will happen and that things go our way. I used to feel so sad for those families who were facing terminal cancer issues. It is the weirdest thing - I often felt more sad for others than I have felt for us. Perhaps it is because we have to deal with it so intensely and initimately. Perhaps we make sure we treasure the good times - even if they come in minutes and not days and weeks. One thing for sure - cancer may take many things away from us - but we are determined to make sure it doesn't steal the happiness of the moment. We can control that. And we continually have hope. I can't emphasize enought that it isn't just a wishful hope - but a true, deep down commitment to believe that things will be better. As I was going through some old papers, I found this poem. I know I gain insight and understanging from such things, and hope you might also.

YOU STILL HAVE HOPE
If you can look at the sunset and smile, then you still have hope.
If you can find the beauty in the colours of a small flower, then you still have hope.
If you can find the pleasure in the movement of a butterfly, then you still have hope.
If the smile of a child can still warm your heart, then you still have hope.
If you can see the good in other people, then you still have hope.
If the rain breaking on a roof top can still lull you to sleep, then you still have hope.
If the sight of a rainbow still makes you stop and wonder, then you still have hope.
If the soft fur of a favoured pet still feels pleasant under your fingertips, then you still have hope.
If you meet new people with a trace of excitement and optimism, then you still have hope.
If you give people the benefit of a doubt, then you still have hope.
If you still offer your hand in friendship to others that have touched your life,
then you still have hope.
If receiving an unexpected card or letter still brings a pleasant surprise, then you still have hope.
If the suffering of others still fills you with pain and frustration, then you still have hope.
If you refuse to let a friendship die, or accept that it must end, then you still have hope.
If you look forward to a time or place of quiet or reflection, then you still have hope.
If you still buy the ornaments, put up the Christmas tree or cook the turkey, then you still have hope.
If you still watch love stories or want the endings to be happy, then you still have hope.
If you can look to the past and smile, then you still have hope.
If, when faced with the bad, when told everything is futile, you can still look up and end the conversation with "yeah, but..." then you still have hope.
Hope is such a marvelous thing.
It bends, it twists, it sometimes hides, but rarely does it break.
It sustains us when nothing else can.
It gives us reason to continue and courage to move ahead, when we tell ourselves we'd rather give in.
Hope puts a smile on our face when the heart cannot manage.
Hope puts our feet on the path when our eyes cannot see it.
Hope moves us to act when our souls are confused of the direction.
Hope is a wonderful thing, something to be cherished and nurtured, and something that will refresh us in return.
And it can be found in each of us, and it can bring light into the darkest of places.
NEVER LOOSE HOPE!!!

What are you thankful for?....and ramblings...

I have been thinking about all the great things in our life and wondered if you have done the same lately?
Yesterday I was very thankful that I was able to golf with Jamie before he headed home. That lead to being thankful for having a job that allowed me to take the time off on Friday to golf and then I go in to work and finish up what I needed to do. After days of dodging thunderstorms I was very thankful for a sunny and warm day to golf! One of the most wonderful things on Friday was that when Jamie and I got home from golf -Callum had lunch ready! It was such a nice surprise. Today has been no less marvelous - a warm sunny morning greeted us as we enjoyed drinking coffee and reading the paper while sitting on our deck. The sky has been nearly cloudless all day. Callum sounds like his regular old self today and joined me in a mega shopping ordeal at Costco and Sobeys. He even washed my car! He is planning one of his famous cooking days tomorrow - big batches of chili, chicken gumbo soup and spaghetti sauce to freeze. It is so wonderful to see him feel better. We see the radiation oncologist about the whole brain radiation treatment on Monday, July 28 and by Wed. the 30th we should find out if he is accepted for gamma knife surgery and where he is on the priority list for it.
I was saddened on Friday to hear of the death of Randy Pausch - the guy who is now famous for his "Last Lecture". He was 47 and passed away from complications of pancreatic cancer. He had a fabulous attitude and I believe his legacy will teach many people about how to live with, not die from, cancer. If you haven't checked him out yet, here is his home page: http://download.srv.cs.cmu.edu/~pausch/ . There is a link there to both the Last Lecture and his update page if you are interested in his story. I have bought his book and found it quite interesting - it is a quick easy read and really is mostly about some of life's lessons, and not focused on cancer.
I have done a bit of browsing on Lance Armstrong's LiveStrong website and ordered the Survivorship Notebook for people with cancer. It is quite an interesting book and full of both practical and support information. It is almost like a wedding or baby album as there are places to put your immediate family information, along with the health and treatment information, and a place to list important documents and where they are kept. I think this will be a great historical book for us as we will be able to document the type of cancer and the treatments given. Given the difficulty in accessing health information many years after the fact I am hoping this may be helpful to our family members in the future.
It is kind of funny that when I first read Lance Armstrong's book I felt he was really an arrogant and pompous kind of guy. But I now find wisdom in some of his words. Just the other night I was asking for the strength I would need to get through the months ahead. The next day the notebook arrived and in the forward he says:
"If there is one thing cancer has taught me, it's that we are stronger than we think. When times get tough, we find a way through. When we think we've had all we can take, we find the will to go on. When you believe in your strength and know how to tap into it, you LIVE STRONG. It's about trusting that your strength will be there for you to fight cancer, to race, to love, to take risks, to dream."
I then realized that he is right - the strength will be there. I do not worry about that anymore. Whatever I need will be there. Sometimes it will be a friend who calls or emails; it might be some alone time in the sauna; it might be coffee on the deck; it might be a scoop of ice cream; whatever I need.....will be there. And everyday I will be thankful for that.

Til next time...