He certainly hasn't felt as good as he should given that it is nearly 3 weeks since his last chemo treatment. We were really looking forward to this extra week being so good for him - it has been quite disappointing that he is so tired and nauseous.
Today was a particularly hard day. This morning Callum went into work to tell his staff that his short term disability had run out and he is now on long term disability. I drove him to the office and stayed in his office to wait for him. It didn't take long to see why he loves it there so much. Before the meeting some of his staff popped in. There were smiles and laughs - I was able to see how much he enjoyed those relationships. And after the meeting - more proof. Within a few minutes there were no less than 6 people who had stopped in his office to say good bye, good luck and Merry Christmas. There were lots of thank you's, and I noticed a few tears, too. I really have never seen him in his "work world". We usually kept work and home fairly separate. I think it was a good thing I was there today. He came back from the meeting and I gave him a hug. In his office. Where people could see. He is not known for his public affection - I know it was very tough on him. Although I really have no idea what it must feel like for him. I am usually quite intuitive and empathetic - but this one is beyond anything I have encountered. I had a couple of tears, too. Reality sucks. It feels like another punch in the stomach to me.....imagine what it must be like for Callum.
The other dose of reality this week is the Toyota. It will be picked up on Saturday. We are turning it back in to Red Deer Toyota since it will be at least a year before Callum could get his driver's license reinstated.
Some people wonder how people fight cancer. Fighting cancer is about so much more than fighting an abundance of abnormal cells ravaging your body. There are many ups and downs. Good test results. Bad test results. Hope. Fear. Hope. Hope. Sadness. Anger. Hope. Cancer strips you down - takes away so many things, one nibble at a time. And sometimes it is a great big giant bite. We must have hope. We must keep positive. But we still get punched in the gut and have to go on. And we must deal in reality from time to time. Incurable. A very hard word to look at some times. Chemo until you can no longer tolerate side effect or the cancer grows again. Reality. Cancer messes with your mind. How does one deal with what is really happening and yet talk positively about the future? As Callum gets more and more tired I worry that this is about more than a wasp bite or heat. And even if that is all that it is, I have a preview of what to expect in the coming months. And it hurts like hell. I get annoyed at the things I have to do when he is not well. But up until now he had enough good days to help out with many things. I am not sure when our days will change on a more permanent basis, but it scares me when I realize that it likely will happen. I don't worry about me so much. I am more afraid of seeing my husband not able to do the things he loves to do, to not be able to do as much as he would like. To become more dependent. More sick. There it is again. Punched in the stomach. If I could wish for anything in the world it would be that he would get better.
Please understand that I remain positive and hopeful - miracles happen everyday! But it isn't helpful to avoid the facts, as heartbreaking as they are. Sometimes it is helpful to write about reality....get it out of my system so I can keep my strength to help us get through this....get the miracle......and life back to normal.
"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"
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