and on we go....

First - the good news! The CT scan shows no change - things may have stabilized!!! We had that as a verbal report and will possibly hear more details on Sept 29 when we meet with Dr. A.

It has been a busy week. I was just starting to get used to having some down time during the week and here we are, back at it. I guess we were just needing a break to relax and re-charge our batteries to start the next part of the journey. When we met with Dr. K. last week we were thinking it would be early October before the whole brain radiation (WBR) would start. Well....here we are at the end of this week with the planning sessions and 2 treatments done. 13 more to go. Oh yeah, and another chemo cycle, too! This chemo treatment has taken Callum down a bit. Last time he was quite good until about Sunday. This week he has been quite nauseous and has said this is the closest he has been vomiting. The Gravol has been keeping it under control for the most part, but that also makes him quite tired. He has been doing a lot of resting and is having to eat smaller meals a bit more often. He is still so determined to keep nourished - he just isn't going to let it win! It does mean a couple of things, though. One is that I will be prepared to do the meals for a few days around chemo. I was very lucky that he was able to look after that the last couple of times. The other thing is that we sure won't be planning much for chemo weekends. Hopefully this passes quickly and we get some good time on this weekend. Although, one never knows - the next cycle might be OK again.
Callum says the radiation is kind of cool and that you can kind of see a blue light when the machine moves around. These are really quick treatments and usually we are in and out of the cancer centre in about 10 minutes. They have been right on time for these two treatments so we hope that is the case all the time.

I have spent a lot of time in the past couple of months wishing that Callum would start to think about when he might finish working and what we might do when he is done working and still well enough to do things he would like to do, or thought he would do in retirement. Well, as they say, "be careful what you wish for"......We have talked a bit more about these things and I have to say that it is harder than I thought it would be. I think I was trying to focus on those things because they were "facts" - and something perhaps I thought we could control. When the questions were in my head, they were just questions, they didn't have to have emotions tied to them. But when Callum starts to speak of these things, the feelings quickly surface. We must do it, and there is some relief that we have started these conversations. But it certainly means we are stepping closer to something I don't want to think about. The weirdest conversations are about things that will happen when he is really sick, and when he dies. That what the hardest thing in the world to type......:(
It just isn't fair. Our move to Saskatoon was to be the next part of our journey as a couple, filled with some financial freedom and loads of opportunities. All the hard work that Callum has done over the last 29 years has brought him to a job he truly loves in a city we both have come to enjoy. It was not to be this way. It just proves once again how precious each day is, and how we must do our best to make the most of each day. I think one of the biggest challenges each of us has is to go to bed each day with no regrets. Perhaps we can consider ourselves successful by going to bed just one day in our life having no regrets. After all, we are human. It is hard to be perfect every day!
Even with all this emotion around we are still positive. I have been told a few times this week that I am strong. There are many times I don't feel strong. A lot of times I just "do". I try to deal with what I can control, and sometimes try to control those things that are impossible to control. Believe me, I have my moments. I have been quite impatient this week. My concentration is nearly nil at times. On Wednesday evening I was so tired Callum said I looked worse than him! I am much better these past couple of nights. I suppose strength has a lot to do with keeping on with regular life. I think that even though much of this is overwhelming at times, there are many hours when nothing is going on. Continuing on with life is really the only thing to do. Some of it is coping. It gives us something to focus on. It helps us feel normal. It really is amazing at what you can handle when you have to. We keep on because we have the belief of better days to come. These few down days are what we have to have in order to have many more good days. So on we go......and look forward to those good days!
I know that in the past I had no idea what people fighting cancer went through. There are so many aspects to battling this disease. Tonight I went back to the information sheets for some of the anti-nausea drugs Callum takes during treatments. You almost need a matrix to make sure they are all taken at the right time and not when taking other things like antacids. Some tips for nausea include not eating hot food - letting it cool down to lukewarm or eating cold food like jello or popsicles. Sounds good, except that he can't touch or eat anything cold because of the tingling and numbness he gets in his mouth and hands because of the chemo. It is almost like you need to have a PhD to keep it all straight! Sometimes things change so fast. We think we have a plan, and then.......well, then radiation is over 3 weeks instead of 2. So chemo will now get pushed back 1 week in July.
Next week will have us at the hospital 5 times for radiation - I think those are the only appointments next week. So, hopefully it will be somewhat of a normal kind of week. We are hoping Callum has few side effects from the radiation and is able to have his regular "good days". I guess we will see.
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“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.”

TTFN