Well, the radiation has done what we were told it would - Callum starting losing his hair this weekend. It is nearly gone again - just a couple of tufts and strands here and there. His hair had started growing back when he was off chemo, but it wasn't that long or thick this time, anyway. He said his head is getting sensitive - it will be a bit sensitive from now on. He is still quite tired although today he made a great Sunday breakfast. Alas, by the time it was done he was quite tired. Thank goodness he will rest when tired. He is getting quite tired of being tired. He seems a bit down today - feeling like he will never feel better than he does today. Only 3 more radiation treatments, thank goodness. Then a week off before chemo starts again. I never thought I would ever long for the regular routine of chemo....but I do. It is tiring just having to be at the Cancer Centre every day - and I don't even go with him every day. It just wears on you and provides a daily reminder of what is happening to his body. It will be nice to have a few days of not thinking about it.
We have had a quiet weekend which has been nice. I have been busier at work again so I am enjoying the time spent at home. Callum has been quite interested in cooking. He has spent many hours this past week reading cookbooks and finding delicious recipes to try. It is nice to see him interested and looking forward to doing something. He has decided we will do some kind of meal for Thanksgiving. It is something that is really important to him. We will both have a brother and family up here along with Vanessa and Stuart, so it will be a nice little family affair!
It will be so wonderful when he starts to feel better. There are people who want to visit and trips we want to take, but he just doesn't want to "go there" right now as he thinks he is just going to feel this crappy all the time. I just wish he would feel well enough to look forward to these things. It is hard for me because we are trying to balance so many schedules and we have to make plans soon, but he doesn't want to commit until he knows he will feel better. I just don't think we will ever have the guarantee about how he will feel 3 months down the road - this is one of those "leaps of faith" we will just have to take! It will all come together - I know it will.
Last week I picked up the packages for Canada Pension Disability and the Compassionate Care Employment Insurance. We aren't really that close to needing to fill out the forms, but thought it might help having them here and then we can work on them a little bit at a time.
I still find it hard to deal with complete opposite thoughts - plan for disability and death while remaining positive that Callum can beat this! It is a new form of brain gymnastics to me! This is one of the hardest things I have ever done. And we worry about very different things - he is so worried about me and how I will make out when he isn't here. I will be fine. I have lots of family and friends who will help support me. We are fine financially. It will be the first time I will have ever really been alone, but it will be OK. I tend to worry more about what happens between now and when he is really sick. It overwhelms me to think about him being really sick all the time - not just these few weeks here and there. I rely so much on his strength. I will need to find many new sources of strength so that I can share mine when he needs it!
I have ordered a treadmill - he promised me he will use it if we had one. And I need to get back to doing something and it needs to be easily accessible. Exercise is really the only thing he hasn't been doing that would really help him . I just can't seem to help him understand that he will need to do it for 3 or 4 weeks before he will feel the difference, and that it will help him get through the chemo treatments easier. He is quite fatigued, so I am sure he finds it hard. Hopefully the treadmill will help, even if he goes on for only 5 minutes at a time.
This has turned into a very long post. I suppose I should write more often. Sometimes it just seems to be hard to find the time and energy to stop my busy brain long enough to put thoughts together and write. Although, I am not sure this was the most coherent post I have ever written!
TTFN
No comments:
Post a Comment