Quick warning - this is going to be a long blog so be prepared to settle in for a few minutes - maybe grab yourself a refreshment! And please don't be worried - I am writing to help my process - I am really OK. The blog is how I work through the many things that comes with having a loved one with cancer.
I have marvelled this week at how well our brains protect us. They are such an incredibly busy organ! They make sure we continue to breathe and have blood flow, along with keeping everything in our bodies working like clockwork. And they even protect us at times from our emotions. I have had a couple of "processing" days this week. I am trying to get some things re-framed and back into a positive perspective. When we met with Dr. Ahmad he clarified for us that chemo will be something Callum will do now until either it quits working or Callum can no longer tolerate the side effects. We were both thinking that after 6 months there was the possibility that he wouldn't have chemo for a few weeks or a few months. Sadly, that is not likely what will happen. Reality check. Callum has not said much about how he feels about this new info, but he was quite grouchy Tuesday and Wednesday. He did have the port line put in and had to take some T-3's for the pain so that may have been what the grouchiness was about. Anyway, this reality check has started a bit more processing in my brain. I have been quite disappointed and sad that chemo treatments every 2 weeks is what we have to look forward as the "good times". It is possible for him to take a break from it at some point if he wants, but the reality is that most likely when he is totally done chemo is won't be because he is doing well. Of course, once I get this processed I will again be able to draw strength on the hope and belief that he will be one of those few people at this stage of cancer who will become cancer free. In the meantime, I am dealing with the reality check. We had been looking forward to the future in the terms of "when the 6 months is done" and making plans based on his recovery after the chemo treatments were finished. Now we will be making plans for the "good week" and hope there are no more complications. It also hit me these past few days that we are now, right now, living our "retirement". I think I was relying on those precious months without chemo to try and squeeze in our retirement. Now I see it will have to be planned around chemo treatments. Oh, how my brain nicely shielded me from these realizations. I have certainly felt more sadness about this during these past few days. Part of this process is also around Callum and his commitment to his work. I know how much he loves his job right now. He is having so much fun there that some days he says it doesn't feel like work! Work is what keeps him sane. So I feel so guilty and selfish when I wonder if we will have time to enjoy our "retirement". In my heart of hearts, I know to trust his wisdom and I am confident in his assessment of how we will figure out when he will need to no longer work. I am the real impatient one who either needs to know what the next 10 steps are, or I work at making up the next 10 steps! I am not a great "one step at a time" person. Callum is and he really has not disappointed me in the past. I find it hard to feel comfortable with what I think about what things we should be doing while he is still healthy. It feels like I am selfish and not taking into account his needs and wants. But what about us? His family? His friends? Is there a balance with everyone's "wants"? Oh, if it was only as simple as a bi-weekly chemo treatment! I think I am having a bit of grieving time. It is healthy at this point - sure don't want to save all of that up til the end! But I have found myself in tears a bit more the past couple of days. That is why I thought I better blog. I am hoping it will help me process this stage of things and get some of the stuff out of my head. There really isn't a reason for me to feel less hopeful or positive. Things with Callum are going as they should - and he is doing great! It is only my perspective, and the fact that my brain has let me process this information that has changed. The facts remain the same. I know that after all the things that have happened, it likely sounds kind of odd for me to say that these past couple of days I have felt like I am in a bad dream and living a life that "those people" live. "Those people" that I have in the past been very sorry for, and so thankful we hadn't had to face such things. I always thought we would be the people who were spared. It has been quite surreal. I think maybe we have been so busy and focused on the flu, blood clot and gamma knife surgery that I didn't have time to feel. Only time to do. And I am great at "doing". I am a doer. When faced with a problem, I fix it. I can't fix this. So I have to process it. Me. Process. So many of you know me quite well -can you imagine how foreign it is for me to "process" - and over many days? I have been doing OK with it, but it does seem odd for me to not know what to do - or to at least do something! I really want to emphasize how important it is to not worry that I am going off the deep end. This is normal. It is hard, but it is normal. In fact, maybe many of you will feel some comfort in knowing that we know the reality of the situation - we just choose to focus on the hope and belief that good things are heading our way. We are looking forward to at least one winter vacation to Jamaica. And we are hoping we are able to get to Ixtapa to visit my sister. And the chemo treatments, while really are long term, can happen for another year or two. I am confident he will respond well and tolerates the side effects, we will still have a long future ahead.
Well, I am feeling much better know. Thank goodness for blogs...somehow it seems easier to write on the computer than on paper. Thanks for "listening"
"Life is not the way it is supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference." Virginia Satir
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