What a day!!

Wasagaming, Manitoba July 2011

Well, it has been quite a day! Here is the list:

Handyman comes to do repair.

Phone and make Dr. appt.

Phone and make Chiro appt.

Talk to guy who is showing private sale house tonight

Look at more houses for sale on internet

Organize house paperwork into the no's, maybe's and haven't seen

Email Sakatoon realtor for update

Lady comes to give me my notice to be out of condo by Dec.1

Talk with owner of private sale house

Call purolator to confirm envelope is there

Make lunch

Go to purolator, pick up envelope

Go to funeral home and pay bill  (big, big sigh)

Go to bank for appt to deal with Cal's pension funds (sigh, sigh)

Deposit insurance cheque (big, big sigh)

Pick up printer cartridges

Pick up something for supper

Go see private sale house

Supper

Look at 3 more homes

Talk to owner of private sale home

Update real estate advisor 

Is that enough for one day? 

"All of life is a journey; which paths we take, what we look back on, and what we look forward to is up to us. We determine our destination, what kind of road we will take to get there, and how happy we are when we get there." From A Little Book of Happiness

TTFN

Lorna

The Show Must Go On

"The Show must go on!
The Show must go on!Yeah!
Inside my heart is breaking,
My make-up may be flaking,
But my smile, still, stays on!"

                 Queen (The Show Must Go On)
I thought I was doing OK. This week has been a wallop, though. So many things I want to tell Callum.  I want to tell him about Jack Layton. I want to tell him that the editor at the Medicine Hat News has resigned. I want to tell him Canada Post has screwed up redirecting the mail. I want to tell him I had a great time with Jamie. I want to tell him Cade talked to me on the phone and told me he went potty at Kristi's (his day home). I want to tell him that Vanessa and Stu bought a new crib for the baby. I want to tell him the crazy condo people are still crazy and the property management co. isn't much different. I want to tell him that I connected with another Saskatchewan blog lady.  I want to tell him I miss him and I will be OK but right now I don't know how. I want to tell him they finally fixed the 8th st and Boychuk drive intersection in Saskatoon, but eastbound 8th st is still a mess. I want to tell him they fixed the 12th St and Division Ave NE intersection in Medicine Hat and Finley Bridge has stupid lights but should be open again tomorrow. I want to tell him that Chris shot 38 last week.

But he's not here.  Now that most visiting is done and I am spending more time on my own it is getting harder each day.  I have never, ever experienced such pain in my heart. It is unbearable at times. It feels like a one ton weight is on my chest, and then it springs claws and tears out my heart. Tears spring at any moment, and many moments in a row.  Do you ever run out of tears?

I try to be excited about a new place to live and the future. But there is so much future that is hard to face without him. It is just so unfair. I really thought we had gone though enough pain and grieving that I was aware of how much this would hurt. But I had no idea. Not even close.

I know others get through it. I know I will get through it. This is the hardest thing because I have no feeling of control. Even with the terminal diagnosis I had some control - with meals, medications, dr appts etc etc.  Now I have nothing. Nothing is in control.  The condo I am renting is sold and I have no choice but to move. I was planning on it anyway - but now I have no choice.

Sometimes I walk around in circles trying to remember what I am doing. I make silly mistakes. I don't remember things. All grieving.  Damn cancer!  I hate cancer!!  This wasn't supposed to be our life.

How do you go from being a wife to being a widow?  Interesting transition. What is your first feeling when you hear the word "wife" and what is the first thing you think of when you hear the word "widow"?  "Widow" is a word that sounds so lonely and sad.  And it is lonely and sad being a widow, although I am still a rookie so I am sure that changes at some point.

Been a couple of tough days.  Good things have happened, but sometimes the good things bring both happiness and sadness.

The Light of Loving Memories
On the journey through our sadness,
There's a light that helps us find
A tender reassurance and
Some peace of heart and mind.
It's the light of loving memories,
With their gentle guiding glow.
To grace our days and
Smooth our paths
Wherever we may go.     (Greeting card)

Here is a great video. It hits very close to home but certainly tells my story in a way.

http://youtu.be/pxy0uBbHLCw

TTFN
Lorna

Interesting article

I have always been quite annoyed at hearing people say "he lost his battle to cancer".  I always thought it diminished the hard work, determination, persistence and courage that cancer patients embody.  Check out this article - it speaks to my thoughts!

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/health/new-health/conditions/cancer/jack-layton-didnt-lose-a-fight-he-died-of-cancer/article2137736/     

TTFN
Lorna

My New Life....Transitions....Transitions

Life is full of transitions.  Days go on, and we adjust and adapt. I have to admit, though, that some feelings I had today were as prevalent as the day Callum passed away.  The last few weeks have been busy with paperwork, travelling, family, friends and settling into my new life.  I spent the past few days in Calgary with Jamie and we had a great time. It was really nice to spend time with him. I look forward to the next visit!

Please realize that what I am feeling is normal. My feelings are normal. I have had support from many people. 

But as I drove home, the reality of going home to the apartment, alone, really hit me. Things have been so busy that whenever I was home alone, I was getting ready for the next trip or looking forward to visits from friends and family.

This time is different.  There are no travel plans for a couple of weeks. There are no visitors coming. I am here. I am alone. This is the next transition for me. 

It's predictable. There are so many things to do when you are looking after someone who is ill. There are so many things to look after for memorial services. And so many things to look after for insurance and final bills.  And then it slowly changes.  Life slows down and hits you in the face again.

I have really missed Callum this week - if I could ever miss him more one time than another.  He's not here to help me through deciding whether to build a home or buy a home. I want to tell him that the check engine light on the Porsche was only a sensor - once reset all is fine. I want to see him smile when Cade gives him a "high 5".  The feeling that I am living a dream is back. I feel he will be waiting for me when I get home. I know it isn't true.

I think of the things people say to help me feel better. Please understand I say these things generally - there are no specific things  said by anyone that has caused me to feel this way. Don't take any of this personally - it is part of the grief process for me.  Thank you for support - I will still need your ears and shoulders-and you!

But there is nothing anyone can say to make it better. Nothing. Callum is gone. I miss him. It is just not fair. One of the books I am using to help me get through the grief process talks about how we have been taught to minimize our pain. When we fall and skin out knee, we get a hug, a cookie and told it is all better. We are taught to be grateful for the good things in our life.  Losing my husband hurts. I am grateful he outlived all expectations, but it still hurts.  I am grateful for the positive attitude he had. How he lived life to the fullest. But I still hurt. Those things don't take the pain away. I am so thankful we were able to travel and visit family and friends. Those were happy times. But I have many sad, and mad, moments. I so glad he no longer has pain. But I am mad he ever had pain to start with!! Knowing he is no longer in pain doesn't make it easier!! These feelings are normal. I should be sad, and at times mad. I need to work through the grief. Transitions - life is full of them!

I am now an "I" or "me"...not "us" or "we".  I still say "us" and "we" - it's so hard to get out of that habit!  I am quite an independent person - I know I will be fine on my own. It will take adjusting, but I can do it.  But I miss him. I miss talking things over with him, making a joke and seeing him smile. I miss talking with him about what we will do today, what trip we will take next, who do we want to see in concert. I miss him. 

Another transition I need to work through is how to accept help from family and friends. How to talk with them about Callum and how much we all miss him.  I don't need to be coddled. I don't need to have people with me all the time any more than I should be alone all the time. Balance - I need to find the balance between being busy and time for relaxation, reflection and rest. One of my coping mechanisms is to keep busy - I have to be careful to not overdo it. I have to be quite deliberate at taking time for myself.

I look forward to some quiet time to think about the happy memories, to cry, to make plans for my new life. But life will never be the same as it was with Callum. 

I miss him so much.

There's honour in a well-lived life...

there's healing in remembering...

there's hope in knowing love goes on forever.

TTFN

Lorna

LWC- Month 2 - memories

Well, the first month without Callum is over.  On we go into the 2nd month.

We had our toast last night - well, a couple of toasts and shared some memories.Vanessa, Stuart and Cade, Jamie,  Callum's parents, his aunt and uncle from Scotland and my sister and brother-in-law were here last night so we had a great time of reminiscing. We talked about his love of cars, and how he usually didn't ask his dad for advice on buying a car. That might tell you about the wisdom of some of his choices!! I think Jamie quite aptly came up with one trait of his dad. He said, "dad was quite understanding about things, but there came a point where we had to understand him."

Many people replied to my request for a toast day on the one month anniversary.  I have heard amazing stories from a lot of places.  It is quite humbling, actually. I shared most of them with the family - it was heartwarming and brought a few tears to our eyes. Feel free to continue the toast on anniversary days or whenever you like. He may have left our worldly place, but I am determined that he never be forgotten.
Thank you to everyone who has replied so far!  Please keep sending stories, it is a wonderful way to keep his memory alive and for me to learn even more about my wonderful husband.

To live in hearts we leave behind
Is not to die.
~Thomas Campbell, Hallowed Ground


TTFN
Lorna 

Eve of 1 month Anniversary/Mourner's Bill of Rights (Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D)

As I have travelled around the last few days I have talked with many different people, with many different things said to me about Callum's passing.  Sometimes it is hard to know WHAT I should be feeling at this point. Sometimes I think I should be more sad, sometimes I think I shouldn't think about Callum so much, sometimes I think I am moving ahead way to fast. It has been just a month. 

The good news is that I will grieve in whatever way I decide to. I will feel what I feel, and do what I do. Some of it will make sense to other people, and some of it won't. But it will make sense to me - and that is all that really matters.

It is so hard to believe that it was a month ago that I spent the last night with Callum.  Throughout the night I held his hand as often as I could. It was more difficult as for some reason he wanted it across his stomach. 

That night I wrote in my blog that we were close to losing him, and that it may be the last night we spent together. Even though I seemed to know what was happening, it still seems surreal at times.  Those memories still occupy a great deal of my mind. I see him squeezing Cade's hand and smiling. I remember when he held Vanessa's and my hands and said it was going to be all right. I remember how Jamie lovingly held his hand for hours. I remember listening to his breathing slow down, and when the nurse listened to his heart and said "he's gone".  He was finally at peace and pain free.  And we are left heartbroken, with the task of carrying on our lives without him.  I am still not sure I know how to do that. 

I was reminded many times today that it is only a month, and that I have been quite busy, so it will take time to move from the memories of sharing the last days and moments of Callum's life to having the good and fun memories come more freely. It is a process. At times, a very painful process. I have added to the end of this post an article called "The Mourner's Bill of Rights".  It is quite helpful for anyone who is mourning - whether for Callum or anyone else.  Please check it out below.

Thursday, Aug. 11 is the one month anniversary. So, to try to continue to honour and respect Callum, and to gather happy memories,  in honour of Callum, please take a drink of your favourite beverage. His would of course, be scotch, but anything from wine, to juice to milk will do! Think of ways he touched your life, and make your own toast to Callum and his life.  If you have a chance to be with other people, share your stories and have a laugh or two!

I have made this into a bit of a treasure hunt for me. I am hoping to have people from all over the world do this.

Please send me an email to let me know your beverage of choice and share your story or toast with me, if you like. I will let you know Fri or Sat what “the stats” were.

I am sure tomorrow will have its share of tears. But I am hoping that each of us can share a thought or story, and have a smile, maybe even a laugh. 

Please check out the article below!!

The Mourner's Bill of Rights

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain "rights" no one should try to take away from you.

The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.

1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.

No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don't allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.

2. You have the right to talk about your grief.

Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don't feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.

3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.

Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don't take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.

4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.

Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don't allow others to push you into doing things you don't feel ready to do.

5. You have the right to experience "griefbursts."

Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.

6. You have the right to make use of ritual.

The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen.

7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.

If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.

8. You have the right to search for meaning.

You may find yourself asking, "Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?" Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, "It was God's will" or "Think of what you have to be thankful for" are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.

9. You have the right to treasure your memories.

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.

10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.

Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

Copyright 2007, Center for Loss and Life Transition

Dreams

In the information on grief I have read so far, it mentions that you have more dreams when you are grieving. I have noticed this to be true. In fact, I had an amazing dream last night.

I dreamt that I was in the hospital with Callum, and he was in a deep sleep - really non-responsive.  I was utterly amazed when he woke up. I thought it was a joke. But he was talking to me. I was so happy I couldn't stand it. I was taking him for a transfusion and told him every minute how much I loved him. He held me and kissed me, and told me how much he loved me.  I let him know that I had made a bargain that if he was given back to me I would tell him very, very often how much I loved him. I can still feel the reassurance in his voice, a warm hug and his gentle touch. 

And then I woke up this morning, rolled over to give him a kiss, but he wasn't there.  A tear rolled down my cheek, Then another. And another.  I hadn't yet been awake 2 minutes.  

I try to enjoy the feelings I had in the dream, and the time I got to spend with Callum, even if it was just a dream. Sometimes I wished I never woke up from that dream. It was such a loving and caring moment.

Not long after that I read a memoriam in the newspaper - from a husband to his wife who passed away last year. I don't remember the exact wording, but he basically said that he doesn't shy away from the sad times. For they give him a chance to spend more time with her, even though she's gone.  I liked what he said, and will try to cherish the memory, even though it still hurts. 

"When I miss you, I don't have to go far ... I just have to look inside my heart because that's where I'll find you."  Ruthie

TTFN

Lorna

one of those days....

I woke up thinking of Callum....I missed him more and more as the day went on. I miss him so much.....

LWC - Day 27 "One Wish"

One Wish

If I could have one wish

That I know would come true.

I would wish for many more days

That I could spend with you.

You are in every thought I have

I miss you more and more every day.

I knew this wouldn’t be easy,

But why does it end this way?

I see your face in the pictures,

I remember the sound of you voice.

To have again your gentle touch, your warm embrace,

Would make all of us rejoice.

We knew it couldn’t last forever

That one day you would be gone.

It seemed to happen way to soon

And now, we must live on.

You fought a brave and courageous fight,

To us, you are the best.

You are now at peace and free from pain,

It’s time for you to rest.

If I could have one wish

That I know would come true.

I would wish for many more days

That I could say “I love you”

                                    Lorna Scott