Tuesday, September 23, 2008
chug, chug, chug.....going up!
Quick note tonight. Things were better for Callum today. He even had Greek salad made for supper! He wasn't quite as tired or nauseas. He still has a way to go to feel back to normal, but he was a bit cheerier tonight. I think we are on our way up to better times! Maybe tomorrow he will even drive......here's to better days! Cheers!
Monday, September 22, 2008
cancer sucks
I hate cancer.....once more I utter those words. This is our wedding anniversary. Why don't we deserve a break from this wretched disease? I know the positive outlook is that we get to celebrate our anniversary together. Even if it is done at home...with Callum turning green while trying to eat. With me feeling mad that we don't get this one day without having to face cancer. I would have even take 2 or 3 hours! Mad that the cancer has made him too sick to even go buy a card - I know that sounds petty, but please read on. He is so upset that he didn't get a card that he won't open the one I got him. We never really have bought anniversary presents-except for our 25th anniversary. Sometimes I got roses, but our supper out was always what we did. I just hate this. On top of everything else he has to deal with now he feels bad because he didn't get me a card. He was supposed to be better today. He has no energy. Can't take more than about a half dozen bites before you can tell that if he took one more it might all come up. I called the nurse and we have more dexamethasone - the steroid he usually takes only for the first 3 days after chemo. I hope it works. He is so frustrated and has cranky moments....then I have cranky moments.....I just wish he would feel better. He is feeling so bad that he won't even drive.....so he lets me drive him - he has to be really sick to let me drive him this much! I tried to make supper as nice as possible - some candles and cloth napkins. About the best I could do for now. I really will treasure those good days now. They will be precious. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
chemo takes hold
This has been the roughest day Callum has ever had on chemo. He is still managing to eat, but is very nauseas and had no energy today. He is sleeping quite a bit - I think that is mostly to cope with the nausea. The chemo taste in his mouth seems to be quite bad today. We are sure hoping that he perks up tomorrow. Monday is our 29th wedding anniversary and we are both hoping he is well enough to go out and celebrate. The odds were against us staying married this long, but we did it - might we once again beat the odds and be able to kiss cancer good bye? Wouldn't that be great? As you can imagine it was a very quiet house today. One of the ladies at the StarPhoenix gave Callum some apples and said they would be great for pies so I made two apple pies tonight. I also made a pecan pie - one of Callum's favourites. I spent some time putting some computer files on an external hard drive in the hopes of speeding up our computer. I am not sure that is the outcome....but I am still working on a couple of things. Tomorrow we will spend watching the singles matches at the Ryder Cup. It looks like it will be an exciting finish to the tournament....I love match play! I am sitting here yawning so I guess I should find my way to bed. Tomorrow is another day.
TTFN
TTFN
Friday, September 19, 2008
and on we go....
First - the good news! The CT scan shows no change - things may have stabilized!!! We had that as a verbal report and will possibly hear more details on Sept 29 when we meet with Dr. A.
It has been a busy week. I was just starting to get used to having some down time during the week and here we are, back at it. I guess we were just needing a break to relax and re-charge our batteries to start the next part of the journey. When we met with Dr. K. last week we were thinking it would be early October before the whole brain radiation (WBR) would start. Well....here we are at the end of this week with the planning sessions and 2 treatments done. 13 more to go. Oh yeah, and another chemo cycle, too! This chemo treatment has taken Callum down a bit. Last time he was quite good until about Sunday. This week he has been quite nauseous and has said this is the closest he has been vomiting. The Gravol has been keeping it under control for the most part, but that also makes him quite tired. He has been doing a lot of resting and is having to eat smaller meals a bit more often. He is still so determined to keep nourished - he just isn't going to let it win! It does mean a couple of things, though. One is that I will be prepared to do the meals for a few days around chemo. I was very lucky that he was able to look after that the last couple of times. The other thing is that we sure won't be planning much for chemo weekends. Hopefully this passes quickly and we get some good time on this weekend. Although, one never knows - the next cycle might be OK again.
Callum says the radiation is kind of cool and that you can kind of see a blue light when the machine moves around. These are really quick treatments and usually we are in and out of the cancer centre in about 10 minutes. They have been right on time for these two treatments so we hope that is the case all the time.
I have spent a lot of time in the past couple of months wishing that Callum would start to think about when he might finish working and what we might do when he is done working and still well enough to do things he would like to do, or thought he would do in retirement. Well, as they say, "be careful what you wish for"......We have talked a bit more about these things and I have to say that it is harder than I thought it would be. I think I was trying to focus on those things because they were "facts" - and something perhaps I thought we could control. When the questions were in my head, they were just questions, they didn't have to have emotions tied to them. But when Callum starts to speak of these things, the feelings quickly surface. We must do it, and there is some relief that we have started these conversations. But it certainly means we are stepping closer to something I don't want to think about. The weirdest conversations are about things that will happen when he is really sick, and when he dies. That what the hardest thing in the world to type......:(
It just isn't fair. Our move to Saskatoon was to be the next part of our journey as a couple, filled with some financial freedom and loads of opportunities. All the hard work that Callum has done over the last 29 years has brought him to a job he truly loves in a city we both have come to enjoy. It was not to be this way. It just proves once again how precious each day is, and how we must do our best to make the most of each day. I think one of the biggest challenges each of us has is to go to bed each day with no regrets. Perhaps we can consider ourselves successful by going to bed just one day in our life having no regrets. After all, we are human. It is hard to be perfect every day!
Even with all this emotion around we are still positive. I have been told a few times this week that I am strong. There are many times I don't feel strong. A lot of times I just "do". I try to deal with what I can control, and sometimes try to control those things that are impossible to control. Believe me, I have my moments. I have been quite impatient this week. My concentration is nearly nil at times. On Wednesday evening I was so tired Callum said I looked worse than him! I am much better these past couple of nights. I suppose strength has a lot to do with keeping on with regular life. I think that even though much of this is overwhelming at times, there are many hours when nothing is going on. Continuing on with life is really the only thing to do. Some of it is coping. It gives us something to focus on. It helps us feel normal. It really is amazing at what you can handle when you have to. We keep on because we have the belief of better days to come. These few down days are what we have to have in order to have many more good days. So on we go......and look forward to those good days!
I know that in the past I had no idea what people fighting cancer went through. There are so many aspects to battling this disease. Tonight I went back to the information sheets for some of the anti-nausea drugs Callum takes during treatments. You almost need a matrix to make sure they are all taken at the right time and not when taking other things like antacids. Some tips for nausea include not eating hot food - letting it cool down to lukewarm or eating cold food like jello or popsicles. Sounds good, except that he can't touch or eat anything cold because of the tingling and numbness he gets in his mouth and hands because of the chemo. It is almost like you need to have a PhD to keep it all straight! Sometimes things change so fast. We think we have a plan, and then.......well, then radiation is over 3 weeks instead of 2. So chemo will now get pushed back 1 week in July.
Next week will have us at the hospital 5 times for radiation - I think those are the only appointments next week. So, hopefully it will be somewhat of a normal kind of week. We are hoping Callum has few side effects from the radiation and is able to have his regular "good days". I guess we will see.
“
“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.”
TTFN
It has been a busy week. I was just starting to get used to having some down time during the week and here we are, back at it. I guess we were just needing a break to relax and re-charge our batteries to start the next part of the journey. When we met with Dr. K. last week we were thinking it would be early October before the whole brain radiation (WBR) would start. Well....here we are at the end of this week with the planning sessions and 2 treatments done. 13 more to go. Oh yeah, and another chemo cycle, too! This chemo treatment has taken Callum down a bit. Last time he was quite good until about Sunday. This week he has been quite nauseous and has said this is the closest he has been vomiting. The Gravol has been keeping it under control for the most part, but that also makes him quite tired. He has been doing a lot of resting and is having to eat smaller meals a bit more often. He is still so determined to keep nourished - he just isn't going to let it win! It does mean a couple of things, though. One is that I will be prepared to do the meals for a few days around chemo. I was very lucky that he was able to look after that the last couple of times. The other thing is that we sure won't be planning much for chemo weekends. Hopefully this passes quickly and we get some good time on this weekend. Although, one never knows - the next cycle might be OK again.
Callum says the radiation is kind of cool and that you can kind of see a blue light when the machine moves around. These are really quick treatments and usually we are in and out of the cancer centre in about 10 minutes. They have been right on time for these two treatments so we hope that is the case all the time.
I have spent a lot of time in the past couple of months wishing that Callum would start to think about when he might finish working and what we might do when he is done working and still well enough to do things he would like to do, or thought he would do in retirement. Well, as they say, "be careful what you wish for"......We have talked a bit more about these things and I have to say that it is harder than I thought it would be. I think I was trying to focus on those things because they were "facts" - and something perhaps I thought we could control. When the questions were in my head, they were just questions, they didn't have to have emotions tied to them. But when Callum starts to speak of these things, the feelings quickly surface. We must do it, and there is some relief that we have started these conversations. But it certainly means we are stepping closer to something I don't want to think about. The weirdest conversations are about things that will happen when he is really sick, and when he dies. That what the hardest thing in the world to type......:(
It just isn't fair. Our move to Saskatoon was to be the next part of our journey as a couple, filled with some financial freedom and loads of opportunities. All the hard work that Callum has done over the last 29 years has brought him to a job he truly loves in a city we both have come to enjoy. It was not to be this way. It just proves once again how precious each day is, and how we must do our best to make the most of each day. I think one of the biggest challenges each of us has is to go to bed each day with no regrets. Perhaps we can consider ourselves successful by going to bed just one day in our life having no regrets. After all, we are human. It is hard to be perfect every day!
Even with all this emotion around we are still positive. I have been told a few times this week that I am strong. There are many times I don't feel strong. A lot of times I just "do". I try to deal with what I can control, and sometimes try to control those things that are impossible to control. Believe me, I have my moments. I have been quite impatient this week. My concentration is nearly nil at times. On Wednesday evening I was so tired Callum said I looked worse than him! I am much better these past couple of nights. I suppose strength has a lot to do with keeping on with regular life. I think that even though much of this is overwhelming at times, there are many hours when nothing is going on. Continuing on with life is really the only thing to do. Some of it is coping. It gives us something to focus on. It helps us feel normal. It really is amazing at what you can handle when you have to. We keep on because we have the belief of better days to come. These few down days are what we have to have in order to have many more good days. So on we go......and look forward to those good days!
I know that in the past I had no idea what people fighting cancer went through. There are so many aspects to battling this disease. Tonight I went back to the information sheets for some of the anti-nausea drugs Callum takes during treatments. You almost need a matrix to make sure they are all taken at the right time and not when taking other things like antacids. Some tips for nausea include not eating hot food - letting it cool down to lukewarm or eating cold food like jello or popsicles. Sounds good, except that he can't touch or eat anything cold because of the tingling and numbness he gets in his mouth and hands because of the chemo. It is almost like you need to have a PhD to keep it all straight! Sometimes things change so fast. We think we have a plan, and then.......well, then radiation is over 3 weeks instead of 2. So chemo will now get pushed back 1 week in July.
Next week will have us at the hospital 5 times for radiation - I think those are the only appointments next week. So, hopefully it will be somewhat of a normal kind of week. We are hoping Callum has few side effects from the radiation and is able to have his regular "good days". I guess we will see.
“
“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.”
TTFN
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
things
We have had an interesting few days. Callum went to a managers' retreat this past weekend and got in some golf and fishing along with the meetings. He is still quite tired, as are most of the managers! I had a work thing to go to on Saturday and watched some movies - a nice, quiet weekend for me! I found some new bathroom accessories for the basement bathroom so am happy to have it a bit updated. We went to the Elton John concert last night - he was awesome! He had his band this time so we did get to hear Pinball Wizard - what a treat!
Yesterday we were saddened to hear of the passing of Edward, the other gentleman who received Gamma Knife surgery the same day as Callum. He was just shy of his 79th birthday. He looked quite well in August so we were a bit shocked. We haven't heard anything from the lady who had the surgery done that day so we hope she is well.
We have an appointment this morning with the radiation dept - likely the planning session for the whole brain radiation. We met with Dr. K. last week to confirm that we will be going ahead with it. He mentioned that with the gamma knife surgery and the whole brain radiation treatments being done so close together there is a slight increased risk of seizures post-treatment. Not what we really wanted to hear, but at least we are prepared. He is back on chemo tomorrow so it will be a quiet few days the end of the week. At least we have the Ryder Cup to watch on TV! I don't know how the PGA managed to schedule it, but Callum has had treatments during the week of most of the majors so has been home to watch the Thurs/Fri rounds- unless they were rained out. Well, I should get on my way and jump into the activities of the day!
Yesterday we were saddened to hear of the passing of Edward, the other gentleman who received Gamma Knife surgery the same day as Callum. He was just shy of his 79th birthday. He looked quite well in August so we were a bit shocked. We haven't heard anything from the lady who had the surgery done that day so we hope she is well.
We have an appointment this morning with the radiation dept - likely the planning session for the whole brain radiation. We met with Dr. K. last week to confirm that we will be going ahead with it. He mentioned that with the gamma knife surgery and the whole brain radiation treatments being done so close together there is a slight increased risk of seizures post-treatment. Not what we really wanted to hear, but at least we are prepared. He is back on chemo tomorrow so it will be a quiet few days the end of the week. At least we have the Ryder Cup to watch on TV! I don't know how the PGA managed to schedule it, but Callum has had treatments during the week of most of the majors so has been home to watch the Thurs/Fri rounds- unless they were rained out. Well, I should get on my way and jump into the activities of the day!
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
I didn't think I could do it!
Well, I can't believe it is over 2 weeks since I have posted anything. Maybe that is a good thing - it could mean there is not a lot happening at the moment. As for Callum, well, the ultrasound of his arm and chest showed there is still an extensive blood clot in his left chest. So, Dr. A put him on warfarin, which lasted about a week. He has since changed to tinzaparin, which is heparin. So, now he has to have an injection every day and has a prescription for 6 months worth! A little pricey item it is - over $750 a month! Dr. A. applied for the government to give approval for exception status so we will have the cost covered - thank goodness! Now, this needle business has lead me to once again learn that to pay attention to that "never say never" saying. I never thought I could give anyone else a needle. And I thought Callum could do anything he needed to for himself. Well, on Sunday, after nearly an hour in the bathroom trying to gain the courage to give himself the needle, he finally asked me to do it for him. And I did - surprised the crap right out of me! I guess you never know what you can do until you have to do it! I gave it to him Monday, too, and that has now given him the courage to do it on his own. Well, maybe it really is because I stabbed him twice with the needle on Monday before I got it right! Anyway, he is just great with it now. He has been doing quite well with the chemo this cycle. We had friends from Regina and Winnipeg visiting Saturday evening and he was really good. He even made a couple of appetizers for us! We were both quite tired Sunday and had naps after the golf was finished on TV. It doesn't seem to take much to tire us out these days!
The long weekend in September we kind of hung around the house and watch Mike Weir contend for the golf tourney that weekend. During commercials I finished unpacking more boxes, hung pictures and sorted out the storeroom. It was both a quiet and busy weekend!
I am pretty sure I mentioned it in my last email update but just in case.....Dr. A did tell us that Callum will be on chemo treatments from now until either the cancer starts growing or the side effects are too bad. It was disappointing to hear at the time but we have rebounded from that news. He is still working most of the time - has missed only 3 days each of the last 2 treatment cycles. I think that as long as he is feeling well he will keep working and we'll see where things are at sometime in December, once the chemo has had a chance to work. He has a CT scan tomorrow (Sept 11) to get a baseline for comparison in the future. We also see Dr. Kundapar, the radiology oncologist tomorrow so should know when the whole brain radiation will start.
It has been a couple of weeks with intermittent strong emotions popping up every now and then. It is just so hard to believe he is so sick when most of the time he looks so good. He is quite a trooper - takes his 8 - 12 pills a day - the higher number when he is on chemo - they are the anti nausea pills. And now an injection every day. Then the tests and Dr appointments. He never complains -well, nearly never. Just does what he needs to do. It is absolutely admirable. Well, time to go. We have to be at the hospital at 7:40 am for the 8:45 CT scan.
"If I had my life to live over, I would perhaps have more actual troubles and less imaginary ones, eat more ice cream and less beans." Harold Kushner
The long weekend in September we kind of hung around the house and watch Mike Weir contend for the golf tourney that weekend. During commercials I finished unpacking more boxes, hung pictures and sorted out the storeroom. It was both a quiet and busy weekend!
I am pretty sure I mentioned it in my last email update but just in case.....Dr. A did tell us that Callum will be on chemo treatments from now until either the cancer starts growing or the side effects are too bad. It was disappointing to hear at the time but we have rebounded from that news. He is still working most of the time - has missed only 3 days each of the last 2 treatment cycles. I think that as long as he is feeling well he will keep working and we'll see where things are at sometime in December, once the chemo has had a chance to work. He has a CT scan tomorrow (Sept 11) to get a baseline for comparison in the future. We also see Dr. Kundapar, the radiology oncologist tomorrow so should know when the whole brain radiation will start.
It has been a couple of weeks with intermittent strong emotions popping up every now and then. It is just so hard to believe he is so sick when most of the time he looks so good. He is quite a trooper - takes his 8 - 12 pills a day - the higher number when he is on chemo - they are the anti nausea pills. And now an injection every day. Then the tests and Dr appointments. He never complains -well, nearly never. Just does what he needs to do. It is absolutely admirable. Well, time to go. We have to be at the hospital at 7:40 am for the 8:45 CT scan.
"If I had my life to live over, I would perhaps have more actual troubles and less imaginary ones, eat more ice cream and less beans." Harold Kushner
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