I think I have Whiplash!!! What a rollercoaster ride....

Well, it has been quite an interesting few weeks and quite a while since I have written, but I think most of you understand why it is that way. It was very disheartening for us to hear that the cancer has spread to Cal’s brain. Still quite unbelievable some days. We had many ups and downs since that news. We are feeling quite lucky that Cal picked up the flu a couple of weeks ago – even though it stole some of his good days. That is what led to the CT scan, followed by the MRI which basically confirms that the two spots are cancer. One is in the back at the cerebellum and the other is in the left frontal lobe. They are both small so that is good. Along this bumpy road was yet another fax referral that didn’t “make it” to the other end. Thank goodness I am getting better at insisting on things, as it was only through inquiring about the status of the referral that we found out it wasn’t received at the neurosurgeon’s office. It only made a difference of a few days, and that will likely really make little difference anyway. Now, Cal had his regular check in appointment with his oncologist in early July but his oncologist was away so we saw a replacement. Well, this guy was just weird. Just moved here from Ontario, is really a blood cancer guy – I suppose quite a good one, but not the best for us. After Cal’s regular oncologist, Dr. Ahmad, had said the spots on brain were probably operable, this other guy says he would be surprised if they did surgery, considering everything else going on for Cal and the fact that there are 2 spots on the brain, not one. The other thing we learned is that he has to quit taking Avastin as it has too much of a risk of stroke and death, and one tumour has already been bleeding a bit. So, we left that appointment feeling quite down. Cal was having some trouble breathing and with this news it just made us feel like we were losing the battle. We did start walking a bit that week, and then the weekend we spent following Dale Vallely playing golf in the Canadian Tour event in Saskatoon. We made it walking pretty much 18 holes of golf – 2 days in a row! We were both bagged on Sunday night, but it was such a great boost to Cal’s spirits. He didn’t think he could do it, but he made it through – with no real issues. He was starting to feel so much better. We now have an infrared sauna which is wonderful!! I used one when I was in Red Deer and feel in love them. There is a bit of research on using them as part of cancer treatment. The theory is that since the infrared rays heat you from the inside out (pretty much like the sun does when you are lying on the beach) that it helps slow down the growth of cancer cells since they don’t like heat. Some think that is why testicular cancer is so curable – the cells are closer to the body and therefore are in a warmer environment. Anyway, he has been using the sauna diligently and I think this helps, too. It is supposed to help both your cardiovascular and immune systems. Check it out at www.prohealthsauna.com.

So, we waited to hear about the neurosurgeon appointment and at 9:15 Monday morning we got the call for the 1:30 appointment on Tuesday (July 8) afternoon. Now, we have had many scary moments over the last 3 years, but this was the scariest. We were both very hopeful, but also very prepared to hear that there was nothing he could do for Cal. However, he is a great surgeon, and after doing the regular neurological motor tests he recommended gamma knife surgery – much less invasive and has shown to be as successful, or nearly as successful as open surgery. It is day surgery, so recovery is just a few days. There are only 3 places in Canada that do it – and Winnipeg is the closest for us. We will likely combine a bit of a vacation with the surgery since we are so close to family there. We couldn’t have been happier. He did suggest whole brain radiation after the gamma knife surgery, to be sure we get rid of all cancer cells. He also said if the cancer comes back in the brain they would be looking at doing open surgery. So…we are not at the last treatment option! Some of the best information on the gamma knife is on the Winnipeg Health Region website – the neurosurgery section. http://www.wrha.mb.ca/prog/surgery/gamma_knife/index.php

Yes – it has been quite a few weeks. My vocabulary increases every day. I learn about different medical procedures. We are so lucky to have available to us so many options.

I think many of you are wondering why we are so upbeat – how do we stay positive? Hope. We have to continue to have hope. I recently read Lance Armstrong’s book – “It’s Not about the Bike”. In it he questions which is the stronger emotion – fear or hope? It is so reassuring to know that it is normal to have both feelings – even though they are in conflict. If you try to be too real, and only look at the average statistics, you get full of fear. That is just not positive. However, if you only focus on hope, and cure, and all the best of things, you can be deluding yourself. It is important to understand the gravity of the situation, but you also must remain positive and hopeful. Lance Armstrong’s doctor told him (after he was cured) that he was in the top 3% worst cases he had ever seen. According to the stats, he is not alive. I have come to think of all the instances where people beat the odds, for good and for bad. There are people who win lotteries, sink the $1,000,000 basket, score the $1,000,000 goal in hockey, get hit by lightening, don’t get hit by lightening, get pregnant when they shouldn’t, have very sick preemie babies survive, win lotto homes, miss their flight only to find out later the plane crashed. People beat the odds every day – why shouldn’t Cal? It really can’t be out of reach – we have to keep believing that he will beat this. He doesn’t even have to beat 1 in 14,000,000 like 6-49. He only needs to beat 1 in 95. I also have recently read “The Last Lecture” about the last lecture Randy Pausch gave at Carnegie Mellom University. He had been recently diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. Someone asked him what he wanted on his tombstone after he died. He said “Randy Pausch: He Lived Thirty Years After a Terminal Diagnosis”. I think Callum’s will say he live 40 years longer than his prognosis!!

I don’t know if I can adequately describe how super strong Callum is. I marvel at how he takes everything in stride. I told him today that I wasn’t sure if I could do what he is doing. He gets hooked up and pumped full of toxic chemicals (we now have a “hazardous chemical clean up kit” at home in case the infusion bottle has leaks) to kill bad, but also good, cells in his body. Then he deals with fatigue, nausea and hiccups for a few days. His hair is pretty much gone. He sits down to a meal and takes anywhere from 2 – 6 pills, from anti-nausea to vitamins. It is quite a busy few days after chemo! He is such a trooper – hasn’t yet missed a meal! He is trying so hard to do all the right things – no one can fight harder!

I have learned that I really gain my strength from him. He was down for a few days – I could see so much worry on his face. I wanted so much to fix it for him. I still want to fix it for him. This is one of the first times in my life that I am helpless to change an outcome. I can’t nag, counsel, listen, talk, shop, buy, or just do anything. Except, of course, hope and believe. I wish so much that I could take the pain away from him. Life is just not fair!!

I have many days where I suddenly have tears. I try to allow myself some sadness, and then move quickly to the positive and believing it will get better.

I am sure I have forgotten a few things…but I will write again. A bit sooner this time – we can’t be having any more bad news to delay the blog!

So…why do we stay so positive? It is easier. It is necessary. It keeps us focussed. It helps us enjoy each day – even if there are only a few moments to enjoy. We know the outcome doesn’t look great, but Lance Armstrong beat the odds – why not Callum. When waiting at a follow up appointment, Lance Armstrong made up an acronym for cancer:
Courage, Attitude, Never give up, Curability, Enlightenment and Remembrance of my fellow patients. Pretty neat! And his comment on which is stronger – fear or hope? He said:”Something told me that fear should never fully rule the heart, and I decided not to be afraid”. We absolutely agree with this statement…hope is where it is at!