6 months LWC - almost

Tis the eve of the 6 month anniversary of Callum's passing.  Where does the time go? I still hear him and feel him near me. Where do the thoughts come from? I was sitting there, in band rehearsal, and was nearly overcome with grief. Who knew a Mommas and Poppas medley could do that?! Those pictures entered my mind. Callum, laying in the hospital bed, very sedated. There I am, pulling out and unfolding the cot. Laying out the dark hospital blankets. I find my comfy pillow. I look at him and feel sad. Never knowing this would be the last night we would spend together. As I lay down, I gently reach for his hand. I can tell he is slipping away. I don't get the tight squeeze back that I have had each of the last 4 nights. I listen to his breathing, afraid he will stop breathing through the night and I won't have the chance to say good bye. Oh how I wanted him to be pain free and in peace. Oh how I wanted him to never leave me. I could not have both. It was inevitable. We were prepared. Or were we? I tried to sleep lightly enough to listen for any change in breathing so I wouldn't miss a thing.

Did I tell him how much I loved him? Did I hold him often enough?

The last night.....will last forever in my heart.

There are many family and friends who share my grief. Grief is a journey unique to each of us. I have learned that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. BUT, we MUST grieve.  I found a poem that I would like to share with you. I believe we have all been on both sides of the story, and I hope it brings some understanding, and not offence.  Our grief journeys are individual and each of us is in a different place in that journey. At the very least, I hope this poem will help you understand where I am right now.

THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM 

There’s an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting,
so it is hard to get around it.

Yet we squeeze by with,
“How are you?” and, “I’m fine,”
and a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.

We talk about the weather;
we talk about work;
we talk about everything else—
except the elephant in the room.

There’s an elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant
as we talk together.

It is constantly on our minds.
For, you see, it is a very big elephant.
It has hurt us all, but we do not talk about 
the elephant in the room.

Oh, please, say her (his) name.
Oh, please, say “Barbara” ("Callum")again.
Oh, please, let’s talk about
the elephant in the room.

For if we talk about her (his) death,
perhaps we can talk about her (his) life.
Can I say, “Barbara” ("Callum")to you
and not have you look away?

For if I cannot, 
then you are leaving me alone
in a room—with an elephant.

--- Terry Kettering

"Do not protect yourself from grief by a fence, but rather by your friends".-- 

       Czech Proverb

TTFN