Well, here I am, 4 months after Callum left this world for a place that is free of pain and gives him peace. I try every day to find peace. While I think I have sipped it every now I than, I know I have yet to experience true peace since he died. I have realized that I am really living by that quote "fake it til you make it". Things are certainly different now. This is quite an adjustment. Lately I have had more pleasant memories come back that put a smile on my face and some joy in my heart, but the memories of the last days Callum was in hospital are still as clear in my mind as the day he passed away. I can still hear his last breaths, and when the nurse was checking his heartbeart, I hear very clearly when she said "he is gone". It was 5:45 pm, Monday, July 11.
Today was likely one of the hardest days for me so far. I can only suspect that it is because I have had some much needed quiet time to do more grieving and healing. I have been surprised at how quickly and intensely the tears flow. I try to not fight it. I need to heal. It is part of the process. But damn it, it hurts like hell.
I had decided today that I would start to say thank you to Callum for being a loving husband and father, such a hard worker and provider. He made sure we are taken care of, and that I have some freedom to do what I want, not have to something I don't want to do. He gave me freedom to live in a nice home, close to family. He showed me that hard work pays off. Neither of us have a university or college degree, but we did pretty damn good! He showed me how to live well and love deeply. He taught me to never give up. He encouraged me to move forward in my life, to take time for me, to try my own business, go to school, or wait for the perfect job - whatever I wanted.
I do thank him for that. More than anyone will ever know. But somewhere through those thoughts reality flew in. I can say thanks, but I will never have him back. I want him to be here to see me become successful. I want him to share in our family tribulations and triumphs. Every beat of my heart changes from gratitude to immense sadness.
Time will heal. Tears will heal. I have felt joy again, and will feel more in the future. But every joy will be joined with sadness that it is not shared with Callum.
So, today at 5:45 I will have a glass of wine and toast Callum for all he has provided our family. Our happiness is for what he always strived. Well done, sweetheart.
Joy, happiness, gratitude. I am on my way to healing.
Peace and contentment are yet to come.
TTFN
