Halloween and Memories

Pirate Lorna - housewarming party

Things have been slowing down a bit the last couple of weeks. Most of the last month I have been busy with this or that, and pretty much avoiding grieving if I could.  I think I would like to write a "how to grieve for dummies" book because I just don't know what to expect. All the professionals say it is an individual thing and nothing is wrong when it comes to grieving. I can grieve however I want, and however I need to. That doesn't help me much some days. I am moulded into a deadlines, guidelines and goals. I like checking off to do lists. I like challenges, but with a plan to meet them - and some kind of evidence I have completed the necessary steps. Grieving is not like that. Sometimes I feel like I have a grip on it, and the next minute I have a grief outburst, a good cry, often followed by a nap - it can be exhausting.  I am trying to get back to some kind of "normal", but to be honest, I have no idea what normal is anymore. I am only now realizing how absolutely abnormal my life has been for most of the past 3 - 5 years. Overall, I think I am getting better everyday, but some days.....well, there are days that I am reminded of the physical and emotional intensity of grieving. 

I have started back into some activities. I have joined the senior community concert band - 10th flute! I love playing music again. I have been taking an intro to Photoshop course and an online InDesign course. All in preparation of my upscale slideshow business I will launch next year. The concentration is getting better - but these things truly tell me what kind of day I am having!  I can almost completely  concentrate during a 2 hr rehearsal, and the 3 hr photoshop course is good for about 2 hours.....then I wander a bit.  It's getting better though!

I hosted a bit of a housewarming get together last week - my way of giving myself a deadline for most of the unpacking and organizing the new home. It was a fun time and it only took me 5 days to get over the party and the getting ready for it! We had great fun posing as pirates and princesses for our pictures!

It's been a bit of a melancholy day. I have had good moments, sad moments and lonely moments.  It has felt very strange. Many, many memories coming to the surface. Good ones. But some stop me in my tracks. Perhaps because I know I need to be prepared for holidays and family celebrations to be different. But I didn't really think of Halloween. 

I remember making costumes for Jamie and Vanessa. I don't remember ever buying them one. I remember the Care Bears, the Raggedy Anne and Andy. I remember the rush to get the costumes done. The rush when Callum got home from work to hand out candy while I took the kids out. For years that was a pizza night because I just couldn't seem to make a meal, dress the kids and get the treats ready!  In the early years we had so little money that pizza was an extra special treat. 

I remember missing many Halloween nights. I seemed to be in night school for many of them, and worked a number of them, too.  I wasn't usually the one to hand out candy anyway - that was Callum's job. He really enjoyed seeing all the little ones dressed up. Even last year when he couldn't make it to the door, he sat in his chair and watched all the children go up and down the street. He didn't miss seeing many of the costumes! 

I remember I would hurry the kids home so we could jump in the care and visit Grandma and Grandpa, and Nana and Grandad. It was a very busy night, but a special family time. 

I have enjoyed handing out treats tonight. Although I am wondering if I am in a time shift. I saw Smurfs, Luigi from Mario Bros, Transformers, Rafael (a ninja turtle), Batman, and many others from the days of our children.  Many were superheroes of some kind - a nice trend! Of course, a few princesses and the cutest little dino you'd ever see! 

I didn't think Halloween would bring up so many memories.  Many brought smiles to my face and warmth in my heart.  Of course....followed by a tear or two. Thank goodness for happy memories. 

"Each happiness of yesterday is a memory for tomorrow"

Author: Unknown

TTFN

LWC - 3 months

Callum's 50th Birthday Party

I sit here pondering the last 3 months, perhaps I am really pondering the last 4 - 6 months.

3 months ago today my dear Callum passed away.  I am learning to take comfort in knowing he is no longer in pain and has found peace, in whatever universe he landed. 

For me, in amongst brief times of peace I feel pain. One would think that it would lessen as time went one. I believe that will happen one day. But for now, there are days that the pain is even more intense. Every day still reminds me he is not, and never will, be here with me. Pictures and memories. That is what I have left. A wise friend reminded me that we live on in our children and grandchildren. It seems quite fitting that I had the pleasure of looking after Cade today. Spending time with him is living proof that Callum lives on.  He reminds me of how much joy he brought Callum, and continues to bring me. Through the times of joy, I shed a tear or two that Callum is no longer here to enjoy him, and hear him say "Hakuna Matata"!  Cade still remembers him right now, but there is some sadness felt that Cade will not grow up with Grandad Callum by his side. 

I have many pictures and video to add to my memories of Callum. It is a new life. I miss him so much. I have so many things to share with him. 

A few tidbits about grief.  I am sure most of you have heard that everyone is an individual when it comes to grief. This is a long, long process. So..

At times I will feel great - this is normal.

At times I will feel sad - this is normal.

At times I will feel angry - this is normal.

At times I will be tired - this is normal.

At times I will have no concentration - this is normal.

At times I will do things totally out of character - this is normal.

At times I will seem obsessive about remembering Callum - this is normal.

At times it will seem I have really moved on - this is normal. (even though I haven't!)

And all of the above can happen in 10 minutes, an hour, a day or a week - this is normal.

As I said, this is a process, and I have been advised by more than one professional to take it easy. In fact, both my Dr. and counsellor have told me to slow down.  That I am doing a really good job of avoiding the pain and the grief. But this is not a good thing. I need to cry. I need to be angry. I need to spend time remembering our good times, our bad times, the courage we had to stick together. I need to mourn losing him, and need to mourn losing our future together.  I ask that you continue to support me through this. But don't let me get away with distracting myself - or let others distract me - I will pay for it, I am told. It's very hard for me to slow down, and move forward at the same time. I can do it, but it is a challenge for me right now.  I will graciously take all encouragement and support while I learn to slow down a bit. 

As for now, I am enjoying a glass of red wine, remembering Callum, shedding a few tears through the smiles. While far from a perfect 34 years together, we enjoyed a wonderful life and we truly became best friends. It will hurt for a long time.

Tears have a wisdom all their own. They come when a person has relaxed enough to let go and to work through his sorrow. They are the natural bleeding of an emotional wound, carrying the poison out of the system. Here lies the road to recovery.

--- F. Alexander Magoun

TTFN