Dear Callum,

It has been 8 months since you left this world.  For some reason this week has seemed like it was not that long ago. You have been on my mind nearly constantly for the past few days. I have been quite busy - I am surprised there has been time for my mind to think of you so much. 

Have I been too busy to let you know what has been happening?  I am now half way through the self employment program. I do believe I am onto an emerging market with the slideshows. I think it will be fun and I will love to see others experience that emotional connection to their memories.  

Jamie is doing well. There is still  a lot of up and down for him at work, but he has such a mature and positive attitude he will be successful regardless of what happens there. You were such a great role model for him, and I know he misses being able to talk to you about the good times and challenges at work. He respects all your accomplishments and guidance, and would love a chance to have that again.  You taught him to embrace life, and so he is visiting V and R in Mexico for the 2nd time this winter.  He also has a golf trip planned for later this month. Golf and travel....that's our son!

I have been helping Vanessa and Stuart a bit. Rowan is not a sleeper and it has been quite challenging for Vanessa and Stuart to get much sleep.  There is starting to be a few better days but it is wearing on them after 3 months of it. Did you know they have bought a lot and are building a new house? You would be so proud of them.  They have worked really hard to come up with a plan that meets all their needs.  I am so excited for them - and I know you are too.  Having your guidance would have made them very happy, so please watch carefully over them so they will have a house they love and enjoy. 

And your grandsons. What can I say? Cade is now quite the little boy and not at all a baby. He speaks so well and is a lot of fun to be around. He still remembers you. We show him your pictures often. It was kind of funny one day, because we showed him a picture of you with hair, and he thought it was you and then changed his mind. It was then we realized he never knew you with hair. Such a sad realization of the short time he had with you, his very special grandad. 

Rowan, well, Rowan is so cute. And it's a good thing because he can try the patience of the best of us! He is getting better and last night he figured out he could kick the the bath.  You would have laughed - he kicked water all over the table and the floor!  I know your first thought would be how well those legs will kick a soccer ball! 

These boys are absolutely surrounded by love. But there is no doubt there lives will not be the same without you. We will do our best to make sure they know their Grandad through pictures, stories and videos. 

I still keep in touch with your family.  Your mom and dad are doing well.  I think they have had time to recover from the trip to Scotland after Nana Campbell's passing.  Your brothers and families are doing fine. 

And me? Well, I hope you are proud of what I have done these past few months. I am trying to learn how to live without you. It is very hard sometimes. With all the things I am learning at the self employment program I still expect that I can talk with you about it when I get home.  I miss your unconditional support and encouragement - and even your sometimes brutal honesty.  Have you heard me when I asked for you to let me know it's going to be OK? To be near and walk beside me during these new journeys? 

So many memories - happy and sad.  I now have full insurance on the Porsche and will soon be driving it again. But my mind remembers all too well your last ride in it on the day you went into the hospital. You should be driving around Medicine Hat in it. I look at it and realize how much I have lost now that you aren't here. I wish I could trade away the Porsche for you to come back. 

Yes, sweetheart. You are missed every single day.  I have had a couple of good weeks but the grief has come back in a hurry this week. I miss you so very, very much.  My heart aches.  My mind remembers. My brain helps me carry on.  

And so, today I let you know how much I miss you and wish the clock of time could be rewound so I could once again feel the warmth of your hug and tenderness of your kiss. So I could again hold your hand, look into your eyes and know, just know, everything will be alright. 

"There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go."  ~Author Unknown

TTFN

Lorna

Whitney Houston

I am so sad to hear of the untimely death of Whitney Houston.  Her hits from the '80s bring me wonderful memories.

This has been one of my favourite songs for a long time.  I love the message in the song.  Whitney's life, and death, are reminders that great talent, fame and wealth do not protect us from taking the wrong path sometimes.

Whitney Houston - The Greatest Love of All

RIP Whitney.

OOPS...hopefully this is a better quality video.

It came to my attention that the previous video I posted was not really great quality. I hope this one is better. However....it it isn't, please let me know.

Lorna

6 months LWC - almost

Tis the eve of the 6 month anniversary of Callum's passing.  Where does the time go? I still hear him and feel him near me. Where do the thoughts come from? I was sitting there, in band rehearsal, and was nearly overcome with grief. Who knew a Mommas and Poppas medley could do that?! Those pictures entered my mind. Callum, laying in the hospital bed, very sedated. There I am, pulling out and unfolding the cot. Laying out the dark hospital blankets. I find my comfy pillow. I look at him and feel sad. Never knowing this would be the last night we would spend together. As I lay down, I gently reach for his hand. I can tell he is slipping away. I don't get the tight squeeze back that I have had each of the last 4 nights. I listen to his breathing, afraid he will stop breathing through the night and I won't have the chance to say good bye. Oh how I wanted him to be pain free and in peace. Oh how I wanted him to never leave me. I could not have both. It was inevitable. We were prepared. Or were we? I tried to sleep lightly enough to listen for any change in breathing so I wouldn't miss a thing.

Did I tell him how much I loved him? Did I hold him often enough?

The last night.....will last forever in my heart.

There are many family and friends who share my grief. Grief is a journey unique to each of us. I have learned that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. BUT, we MUST grieve.  I found a poem that I would like to share with you. I believe we have all been on both sides of the story, and I hope it brings some understanding, and not offence.  Our grief journeys are individual and each of us is in a different place in that journey. At the very least, I hope this poem will help you understand where I am right now.

THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM 

There’s an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting,
so it is hard to get around it.

Yet we squeeze by with,
“How are you?” and, “I’m fine,”
and a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.

We talk about the weather;
we talk about work;
we talk about everything else—
except the elephant in the room.

There’s an elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant
as we talk together.

It is constantly on our minds.
For, you see, it is a very big elephant.
It has hurt us all, but we do not talk about 
the elephant in the room.

Oh, please, say her (his) name.
Oh, please, say “Barbara” ("Callum")again.
Oh, please, let’s talk about
the elephant in the room.

For if we talk about her (his) death,
perhaps we can talk about her (his) life.
Can I say, “Barbara” ("Callum")to you
and not have you look away?

For if I cannot, 
then you are leaving me alone
in a room—with an elephant.

--- Terry Kettering

"Do not protect yourself from grief by a fence, but rather by your friends".-- 

       Czech Proverb

TTFN    

A New Year

I know it's been quite a while since I blogged - about 6 weeks!  Over the next week or so I will update on the many exciting things that have happened.


Most of us are thinking of the New Year and what it means for us. In many ways I am glad to see the end of 2011 and welcome a wonderful 2012.  


This song pretty much sums up my feelings about the upcoming new year. i do believe I will again be with Callum one day. And in 2012 I will begin again. I know that the intended message of the song is much different than what I am taking from it, but U2 was the last band concert we went to together. Somehow it is fitting for me right now.

" We will open the book. Its pages are blank...We are going to put words on them ourselves....The book is called “Opportunity” and its first chapter is New Year’s Day." - Edith L. Pierce


TTFN

This, too, shall pass

A wise person (does anyone know who?) said that "This, too, shall pass."  And they were right! After a very teary day on Friday I have bounced back with more optimism and a clearer head. While I know that I will continue to have days like that, I also know it will pass.

Saturday was a great day. I got some things on my " to do" list done and spent some super time with Cade. He was a little tired so he had a nap - on Grandma.  We watched some Oasis tv - lots of animals on that channel! I enjoyed a very fine meal with Vanessa, Stu and Cade (thanks Stu!) and had a nice visit with Ger and Erika in the evening. A pretty fine day I would say!

Time for getting the house tidy and cleaned - only 3 sleeps until I go to Ixtapa! It will be a wonderful 2 weeks - I plan to return here relaxed, with a sense of renewal, and a great tan!



"May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays."

TTFN

LWC - 4 months

Well, here I am, 4 months after Callum left this world for a place that is free of pain and gives him peace.  I try every day to find peace. While I think I have sipped it every now I than, I know I have yet to experience true peace since he died. I have realized that I am really living by that quote "fake it til you make it".  Things are certainly different now.  This is quite an adjustment. Lately I have had more pleasant memories come back that put a smile on my face and some joy in my heart, but the memories of the last  days Callum was in hospital are still as clear in my mind as the day he passed away.  I can still hear his last breaths, and when the nurse was checking his heartbeart, I hear very clearly when she said "he is gone". It was 5:45 pm, Monday, July 11.

Today was likely one of the hardest days for me so far.  I can only suspect that it is because I have had some much needed quiet time to do more grieving and healing. I have been surprised at how quickly and intensely the tears flow. I try to not fight it. I need to heal. It is part of the process. But damn it, it hurts like hell.

I had decided today that I would start to say thank you to Callum for being a loving husband and father, such a hard worker and provider. He made sure we are taken care of, and that I have some freedom to do what I want, not have to something I don't want to do. He gave me freedom to live in a nice home, close to family. He showed me that hard work pays off. Neither of us have a university or college degree, but we did pretty damn good! He showed me how to live well and love deeply. He taught me to never give up. He encouraged me to move forward in my life, to take time for me, to try my own business, go to school, or wait for the perfect job - whatever I wanted.

I do thank him for that. More than anyone will ever know.  But somewhere through those thoughts reality flew in. I can say thanks, but I will never have him back. I want him to be here to see me become successful. I want him to share in our family tribulations and triumphs. Every beat of my heart changes from gratitude to immense sadness.

Time will heal. Tears will heal. I have felt joy again, and will feel more in the future. But every joy will be joined with sadness that it is not shared with Callum.

So, today at 5:45 I will have a glass of wine and toast Callum for all he has provided our family. Our happiness is for what he always strived. Well done, sweetheart.

Joy, happiness, gratitude.  I am on my way to healing.

Peace and contentment are yet to come.

TTFN