OOPS...hopefully this is a better quality video.

It came to my attention that the previous video I posted was not really great quality. I hope this one is better. However....it it isn't, please let me know.

Lorna

6 months LWC - almost

Tis the eve of the 6 month anniversary of Callum's passing.  Where does the time go? I still hear him and feel him near me. Where do the thoughts come from? I was sitting there, in band rehearsal, and was nearly overcome with grief. Who knew a Mommas and Poppas medley could do that?! Those pictures entered my mind. Callum, laying in the hospital bed, very sedated. There I am, pulling out and unfolding the cot. Laying out the dark hospital blankets. I find my comfy pillow. I look at him and feel sad. Never knowing this would be the last night we would spend together. As I lay down, I gently reach for his hand. I can tell he is slipping away. I don't get the tight squeeze back that I have had each of the last 4 nights. I listen to his breathing, afraid he will stop breathing through the night and I won't have the chance to say good bye. Oh how I wanted him to be pain free and in peace. Oh how I wanted him to never leave me. I could not have both. It was inevitable. We were prepared. Or were we? I tried to sleep lightly enough to listen for any change in breathing so I wouldn't miss a thing.

Did I tell him how much I loved him? Did I hold him often enough?

The last night.....will last forever in my heart.

There are many family and friends who share my grief. Grief is a journey unique to each of us. I have learned that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. BUT, we MUST grieve.  I found a poem that I would like to share with you. I believe we have all been on both sides of the story, and I hope it brings some understanding, and not offence.  Our grief journeys are individual and each of us is in a different place in that journey. At the very least, I hope this poem will help you understand where I am right now.

THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM 

There’s an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting,
so it is hard to get around it.

Yet we squeeze by with,
“How are you?” and, “I’m fine,”
and a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.

We talk about the weather;
we talk about work;
we talk about everything else—
except the elephant in the room.

There’s an elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant
as we talk together.

It is constantly on our minds.
For, you see, it is a very big elephant.
It has hurt us all, but we do not talk about 
the elephant in the room.

Oh, please, say her (his) name.
Oh, please, say “Barbara” ("Callum")again.
Oh, please, let’s talk about
the elephant in the room.

For if we talk about her (his) death,
perhaps we can talk about her (his) life.
Can I say, “Barbara” ("Callum")to you
and not have you look away?

For if I cannot, 
then you are leaving me alone
in a room—with an elephant.

--- Terry Kettering

"Do not protect yourself from grief by a fence, but rather by your friends".-- 

       Czech Proverb

TTFN    

A New Year

I know it's been quite a while since I blogged - about 6 weeks!  Over the next week or so I will update on the many exciting things that have happened.


Most of us are thinking of the New Year and what it means for us. In many ways I am glad to see the end of 2011 and welcome a wonderful 2012.  


This song pretty much sums up my feelings about the upcoming new year. i do believe I will again be with Callum one day. And in 2012 I will begin again. I know that the intended message of the song is much different than what I am taking from it, but U2 was the last band concert we went to together. Somehow it is fitting for me right now.

" We will open the book. Its pages are blank...We are going to put words on them ourselves....The book is called “Opportunity” and its first chapter is New Year’s Day." - Edith L. Pierce


TTFN

This, too, shall pass

A wise person (does anyone know who?) said that "This, too, shall pass."  And they were right! After a very teary day on Friday I have bounced back with more optimism and a clearer head. While I know that I will continue to have days like that, I also know it will pass.

Saturday was a great day. I got some things on my " to do" list done and spent some super time with Cade. He was a little tired so he had a nap - on Grandma.  We watched some Oasis tv - lots of animals on that channel! I enjoyed a very fine meal with Vanessa, Stu and Cade (thanks Stu!) and had a nice visit with Ger and Erika in the evening. A pretty fine day I would say!

Time for getting the house tidy and cleaned - only 3 sleeps until I go to Ixtapa! It will be a wonderful 2 weeks - I plan to return here relaxed, with a sense of renewal, and a great tan!



"May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays."

TTFN

LWC - 4 months

Well, here I am, 4 months after Callum left this world for a place that is free of pain and gives him peace.  I try every day to find peace. While I think I have sipped it every now I than, I know I have yet to experience true peace since he died. I have realized that I am really living by that quote "fake it til you make it".  Things are certainly different now.  This is quite an adjustment. Lately I have had more pleasant memories come back that put a smile on my face and some joy in my heart, but the memories of the last  days Callum was in hospital are still as clear in my mind as the day he passed away.  I can still hear his last breaths, and when the nurse was checking his heartbeart, I hear very clearly when she said "he is gone". It was 5:45 pm, Monday, July 11.

Today was likely one of the hardest days for me so far.  I can only suspect that it is because I have had some much needed quiet time to do more grieving and healing. I have been surprised at how quickly and intensely the tears flow. I try to not fight it. I need to heal. It is part of the process. But damn it, it hurts like hell.

I had decided today that I would start to say thank you to Callum for being a loving husband and father, such a hard worker and provider. He made sure we are taken care of, and that I have some freedom to do what I want, not have to something I don't want to do. He gave me freedom to live in a nice home, close to family. He showed me that hard work pays off. Neither of us have a university or college degree, but we did pretty damn good! He showed me how to live well and love deeply. He taught me to never give up. He encouraged me to move forward in my life, to take time for me, to try my own business, go to school, or wait for the perfect job - whatever I wanted.

I do thank him for that. More than anyone will ever know.  But somewhere through those thoughts reality flew in. I can say thanks, but I will never have him back. I want him to be here to see me become successful. I want him to share in our family tribulations and triumphs. Every beat of my heart changes from gratitude to immense sadness.

Time will heal. Tears will heal. I have felt joy again, and will feel more in the future. But every joy will be joined with sadness that it is not shared with Callum.

So, today at 5:45 I will have a glass of wine and toast Callum for all he has provided our family. Our happiness is for what he always strived. Well done, sweetheart.

Joy, happiness, gratitude.  I am on my way to healing.

Peace and contentment are yet to come.

TTFN

Halloween and Memories

Pirate Lorna - housewarming party

Things have been slowing down a bit the last couple of weeks. Most of the last month I have been busy with this or that, and pretty much avoiding grieving if I could.  I think I would like to write a "how to grieve for dummies" book because I just don't know what to expect. All the professionals say it is an individual thing and nothing is wrong when it comes to grieving. I can grieve however I want, and however I need to. That doesn't help me much some days. I am moulded into a deadlines, guidelines and goals. I like checking off to do lists. I like challenges, but with a plan to meet them - and some kind of evidence I have completed the necessary steps. Grieving is not like that. Sometimes I feel like I have a grip on it, and the next minute I have a grief outburst, a good cry, often followed by a nap - it can be exhausting.  I am trying to get back to some kind of "normal", but to be honest, I have no idea what normal is anymore. I am only now realizing how absolutely abnormal my life has been for most of the past 3 - 5 years. Overall, I think I am getting better everyday, but some days.....well, there are days that I am reminded of the physical and emotional intensity of grieving. 

I have started back into some activities. I have joined the senior community concert band - 10th flute! I love playing music again. I have been taking an intro to Photoshop course and an online InDesign course. All in preparation of my upscale slideshow business I will launch next year. The concentration is getting better - but these things truly tell me what kind of day I am having!  I can almost completely  concentrate during a 2 hr rehearsal, and the 3 hr photoshop course is good for about 2 hours.....then I wander a bit.  It's getting better though!

I hosted a bit of a housewarming get together last week - my way of giving myself a deadline for most of the unpacking and organizing the new home. It was a fun time and it only took me 5 days to get over the party and the getting ready for it! We had great fun posing as pirates and princesses for our pictures!

It's been a bit of a melancholy day. I have had good moments, sad moments and lonely moments.  It has felt very strange. Many, many memories coming to the surface. Good ones. But some stop me in my tracks. Perhaps because I know I need to be prepared for holidays and family celebrations to be different. But I didn't really think of Halloween. 

I remember making costumes for Jamie and Vanessa. I don't remember ever buying them one. I remember the Care Bears, the Raggedy Anne and Andy. I remember the rush to get the costumes done. The rush when Callum got home from work to hand out candy while I took the kids out. For years that was a pizza night because I just couldn't seem to make a meal, dress the kids and get the treats ready!  In the early years we had so little money that pizza was an extra special treat. 

I remember missing many Halloween nights. I seemed to be in night school for many of them, and worked a number of them, too.  I wasn't usually the one to hand out candy anyway - that was Callum's job. He really enjoyed seeing all the little ones dressed up. Even last year when he couldn't make it to the door, he sat in his chair and watched all the children go up and down the street. He didn't miss seeing many of the costumes! 

I remember I would hurry the kids home so we could jump in the care and visit Grandma and Grandpa, and Nana and Grandad. It was a very busy night, but a special family time. 

I have enjoyed handing out treats tonight. Although I am wondering if I am in a time shift. I saw Smurfs, Luigi from Mario Bros, Transformers, Rafael (a ninja turtle), Batman, and many others from the days of our children.  Many were superheroes of some kind - a nice trend! Of course, a few princesses and the cutest little dino you'd ever see! 

I didn't think Halloween would bring up so many memories.  Many brought smiles to my face and warmth in my heart.  Of course....followed by a tear or two. Thank goodness for happy memories. 

"Each happiness of yesterday is a memory for tomorrow"

Author: Unknown

TTFN

LWC - 3 months

Callum's 50th Birthday Party

I sit here pondering the last 3 months, perhaps I am really pondering the last 4 - 6 months.

3 months ago today my dear Callum passed away.  I am learning to take comfort in knowing he is no longer in pain and has found peace, in whatever universe he landed. 

For me, in amongst brief times of peace I feel pain. One would think that it would lessen as time went one. I believe that will happen one day. But for now, there are days that the pain is even more intense. Every day still reminds me he is not, and never will, be here with me. Pictures and memories. That is what I have left. A wise friend reminded me that we live on in our children and grandchildren. It seems quite fitting that I had the pleasure of looking after Cade today. Spending time with him is living proof that Callum lives on.  He reminds me of how much joy he brought Callum, and continues to bring me. Through the times of joy, I shed a tear or two that Callum is no longer here to enjoy him, and hear him say "Hakuna Matata"!  Cade still remembers him right now, but there is some sadness felt that Cade will not grow up with Grandad Callum by his side. 

I have many pictures and video to add to my memories of Callum. It is a new life. I miss him so much. I have so many things to share with him. 

A few tidbits about grief.  I am sure most of you have heard that everyone is an individual when it comes to grief. This is a long, long process. So..

At times I will feel great - this is normal.

At times I will feel sad - this is normal.

At times I will feel angry - this is normal.

At times I will be tired - this is normal.

At times I will have no concentration - this is normal.

At times I will do things totally out of character - this is normal.

At times I will seem obsessive about remembering Callum - this is normal.

At times it will seem I have really moved on - this is normal. (even though I haven't!)

And all of the above can happen in 10 minutes, an hour, a day or a week - this is normal.

As I said, this is a process, and I have been advised by more than one professional to take it easy. In fact, both my Dr. and counsellor have told me to slow down.  That I am doing a really good job of avoiding the pain and the grief. But this is not a good thing. I need to cry. I need to be angry. I need to spend time remembering our good times, our bad times, the courage we had to stick together. I need to mourn losing him, and need to mourn losing our future together.  I ask that you continue to support me through this. But don't let me get away with distracting myself - or let others distract me - I will pay for it, I am told. It's very hard for me to slow down, and move forward at the same time. I can do it, but it is a challenge for me right now.  I will graciously take all encouragement and support while I learn to slow down a bit. 

As for now, I am enjoying a glass of red wine, remembering Callum, shedding a few tears through the smiles. While far from a perfect 34 years together, we enjoyed a wonderful life and we truly became best friends. It will hurt for a long time.

Tears have a wisdom all their own. They come when a person has relaxed enough to let go and to work through his sorrow. They are the natural bleeding of an emotional wound, carrying the poison out of the system. Here lies the road to recovery.

--- F. Alexander Magoun

TTFN