Halloween and Memories

Pirate Lorna - housewarming party

Things have been slowing down a bit the last couple of weeks. Most of the last month I have been busy with this or that, and pretty much avoiding grieving if I could.  I think I would like to write a "how to grieve for dummies" book because I just don't know what to expect. All the professionals say it is an individual thing and nothing is wrong when it comes to grieving. I can grieve however I want, and however I need to. That doesn't help me much some days. I am moulded into a deadlines, guidelines and goals. I like checking off to do lists. I like challenges, but with a plan to meet them - and some kind of evidence I have completed the necessary steps. Grieving is not like that. Sometimes I feel like I have a grip on it, and the next minute I have a grief outburst, a good cry, often followed by a nap - it can be exhausting.  I am trying to get back to some kind of "normal", but to be honest, I have no idea what normal is anymore. I am only now realizing how absolutely abnormal my life has been for most of the past 3 - 5 years. Overall, I think I am getting better everyday, but some days.....well, there are days that I am reminded of the physical and emotional intensity of grieving. 

I have started back into some activities. I have joined the senior community concert band - 10th flute! I love playing music again. I have been taking an intro to Photoshop course and an online InDesign course. All in preparation of my upscale slideshow business I will launch next year. The concentration is getting better - but these things truly tell me what kind of day I am having!  I can almost completely  concentrate during a 2 hr rehearsal, and the 3 hr photoshop course is good for about 2 hours.....then I wander a bit.  It's getting better though!

I hosted a bit of a housewarming get together last week - my way of giving myself a deadline for most of the unpacking and organizing the new home. It was a fun time and it only took me 5 days to get over the party and the getting ready for it! We had great fun posing as pirates and princesses for our pictures!

It's been a bit of a melancholy day. I have had good moments, sad moments and lonely moments.  It has felt very strange. Many, many memories coming to the surface. Good ones. But some stop me in my tracks. Perhaps because I know I need to be prepared for holidays and family celebrations to be different. But I didn't really think of Halloween. 

I remember making costumes for Jamie and Vanessa. I don't remember ever buying them one. I remember the Care Bears, the Raggedy Anne and Andy. I remember the rush to get the costumes done. The rush when Callum got home from work to hand out candy while I took the kids out. For years that was a pizza night because I just couldn't seem to make a meal, dress the kids and get the treats ready!  In the early years we had so little money that pizza was an extra special treat. 

I remember missing many Halloween nights. I seemed to be in night school for many of them, and worked a number of them, too.  I wasn't usually the one to hand out candy anyway - that was Callum's job. He really enjoyed seeing all the little ones dressed up. Even last year when he couldn't make it to the door, he sat in his chair and watched all the children go up and down the street. He didn't miss seeing many of the costumes! 

I remember I would hurry the kids home so we could jump in the care and visit Grandma and Grandpa, and Nana and Grandad. It was a very busy night, but a special family time. 

I have enjoyed handing out treats tonight. Although I am wondering if I am in a time shift. I saw Smurfs, Luigi from Mario Bros, Transformers, Rafael (a ninja turtle), Batman, and many others from the days of our children.  Many were superheroes of some kind - a nice trend! Of course, a few princesses and the cutest little dino you'd ever see! 

I didn't think Halloween would bring up so many memories.  Many brought smiles to my face and warmth in my heart.  Of course....followed by a tear or two. Thank goodness for happy memories. 

"Each happiness of yesterday is a memory for tomorrow"

Author: Unknown

TTFN

LWC - 3 months

Callum's 50th Birthday Party

I sit here pondering the last 3 months, perhaps I am really pondering the last 4 - 6 months.

3 months ago today my dear Callum passed away.  I am learning to take comfort in knowing he is no longer in pain and has found peace, in whatever universe he landed. 

For me, in amongst brief times of peace I feel pain. One would think that it would lessen as time went one. I believe that will happen one day. But for now, there are days that the pain is even more intense. Every day still reminds me he is not, and never will, be here with me. Pictures and memories. That is what I have left. A wise friend reminded me that we live on in our children and grandchildren. It seems quite fitting that I had the pleasure of looking after Cade today. Spending time with him is living proof that Callum lives on.  He reminds me of how much joy he brought Callum, and continues to bring me. Through the times of joy, I shed a tear or two that Callum is no longer here to enjoy him, and hear him say "Hakuna Matata"!  Cade still remembers him right now, but there is some sadness felt that Cade will not grow up with Grandad Callum by his side. 

I have many pictures and video to add to my memories of Callum. It is a new life. I miss him so much. I have so many things to share with him. 

A few tidbits about grief.  I am sure most of you have heard that everyone is an individual when it comes to grief. This is a long, long process. So..

At times I will feel great - this is normal.

At times I will feel sad - this is normal.

At times I will feel angry - this is normal.

At times I will be tired - this is normal.

At times I will have no concentration - this is normal.

At times I will do things totally out of character - this is normal.

At times I will seem obsessive about remembering Callum - this is normal.

At times it will seem I have really moved on - this is normal. (even though I haven't!)

And all of the above can happen in 10 minutes, an hour, a day or a week - this is normal.

As I said, this is a process, and I have been advised by more than one professional to take it easy. In fact, both my Dr. and counsellor have told me to slow down.  That I am doing a really good job of avoiding the pain and the grief. But this is not a good thing. I need to cry. I need to be angry. I need to spend time remembering our good times, our bad times, the courage we had to stick together. I need to mourn losing him, and need to mourn losing our future together.  I ask that you continue to support me through this. But don't let me get away with distracting myself - or let others distract me - I will pay for it, I am told. It's very hard for me to slow down, and move forward at the same time. I can do it, but it is a challenge for me right now.  I will graciously take all encouragement and support while I learn to slow down a bit. 

As for now, I am enjoying a glass of red wine, remembering Callum, shedding a few tears through the smiles. While far from a perfect 34 years together, we enjoyed a wonderful life and we truly became best friends. It will hurt for a long time.

Tears have a wisdom all their own. They come when a person has relaxed enough to let go and to work through his sorrow. They are the natural bleeding of an emotional wound, carrying the poison out of the system. Here lies the road to recovery.

--- F. Alexander Magoun

TTFN

The Wall

Here it is, the 2nd last day of September. The month has gone fast for me, which I suppose, is a good thing.

I have accomplished quite a lot this month. I bought a house in Medicine Hat, I sold my house in Saskatoon, and moved all my things from the rented condo and the Saskatoon house into my new house. That, along with watching Jamie play in a golf tournament, a one day photography course, my first band practice and a trip to Manitoba, my time has been quite busy.



That's good, or so one would think. There are many positives to moving forward. But, for me, moving forward and keeping busy can be both a good and bad coping mechanism.  In the busy-ness I had actually started to convince myself I was doing a lot better. That I was handling things OK.  I was even taken off guard at how happy I was feeling at times. I suppose one cue I should have paid attention to was the sleeping, either sleeping in or having naps. I told myself that was because I was unpacking and getting to bed late. That I was over tired from packing and moving. Perhaps that was part of it .

But today, I "hit the wall".

Let me explain - I know many of you have felt this way. I was going along quite happily today.  I managed to get in an eye exam on short notice (and all is well, thankfully!), and attended the Annual General Meeting of the Medicine Hat News Santa Claus Fund. I have chosen the Santa Claus Fund as my community involvement for now, so have joined the Board of Directors.  It is a great group of people and some real exciting work is being done to help children have a better Christmas.  I digress.  I stopped at Shaw and dropped off my Saskatoon phone modem - a bonus for me, now I don't have to mail it back! I came home, grabbed a snack, had a great chat with a good friend, and then started to do some unpacking. I decided to carry on with my bedroom, so I unpacked the rest of my clothes. I opened the large brown wardrobe box from Saskatoon and took out a couple of my jackets.  Next were Callum's clothes from Saskatoon. I didn't have time to go through them there and just moved them here to deal with them. I hung them in the closet. I don't know why. At first it seemed like they belonged there. It made sense. Then it happened. I "hit the wall". My arms and legs had no strength. They felt like huge lead pipes. Almost like a paralysis. I was looking at things but not seeing them. I tried to make sense of my thoughts, but I couldn't. I "hit the wall". Immediate, intense fatigue and heaviness. Cloudy thoughts.

This was a "hit me over the head with a 2x4" cue that I am still grieving with some intensity.  I have had that intense feeling before, but not really often. My first memory was the day Callum was diagnosed with rectal cancer - that foggy brain trying to make sense of what was happening is something I'll never forget.  My second memory of this intense feeling was the day we found out the cancer had spread to both lungs and a cure was no longer in the picture. My third memory is of the day he nearly died from sepsis. During the last few months I would experience a wave of these feelings, with varied intensities. However,  I was taken aback today with the suddenness of this wave.

It's a good reminder to me to be deliberate in taking breaks, having fun, and getting enough rest. I avoid things by being busy.  I know I need to move forward and start my new life.  I can't sit around and mope. But I do need to be kind to myself. To realize I am still not able to do as many things in a day as I once could.

One thing I am going to start doing again is writing what I am grateful for each day.  It doesn't take a lot of physical energy, and can  help end my day on a positive note. Some days it may be hard, but important to be grateful for something!

So...here goes.
Five things I am grateful for today:
1) I had a great eye exam.
2) I have joined a fun and committed board of directors.
3) My driveway has forms, and nearly ready for cement.
4) I had a great chat with a wonderful person.
5) I have a stove that works properly and is easy to use!

Well, good night folks.

TTFN
Lorna

An Angel on my Shoulder

The slideshow is best viewed in full screen and with speakers turned up.

TTFN
Lorna

LWC - 2 months, Rambling Thoughts

It's been two months since Callum passed away.  I wish I had the words, and brain power to communicate, to really explain how my world has changed. Some of you will have an idea of what it is like because you have lost a husband or wife at at a young age.  Honestly, though, until you have gone through it, you have NO idea what the days are like.

50th Birthday Party

I was away for a few days so I picked up the mail today when I got home.  One piece of mail was addressed to "The Estate of the Late Callum Scott".  When I get these,  at first I want to say that he was never late for anything! A little chuckle, and then, once again, the stark realization that he is gone.  Sometimes it stabs my heart just like the day he passed away.

There are still insurance payments to come, health benefit payments to track down, pension funds to look at, final bills to pay and much, much more.

I had a few "firsts" this weekend.  I went to write in a card and instantly started with a "w" for we, instead of I. I signed my first "Lorna" card, not "Callum and Lorna". I had to take a few deep breaths to carry on writing. I went to celebrate the 25th anniversary of Callum's brother and his wife. It was the first "Scott" get together since the memorial services.  We had some fun, but that stark realization hit again during karaoke when Callum's brothers got up to sing - there should have been 3, but now, there are  2. (Two wonderful boys, oops, men!).  Now that we move forward in our lives, we are starting to see where the holes are, and will be in the future. There are parts of the future I am not looking forward to because he will not be there.

I also saw many of our family hurting.  We try to carry on, but I think each of us has dimmed our internal spark. Whether or not we admit that we are hurt and sad, it shows on every one of us. We all had different relationships with him, but each were very important. We will need a way to share our grief with each other. Our strong family is important to the healing, but we should be somewhat comforted by knowing we share our grief. Our lives will never, ever, be the same.

I miss him so much. I miss the hugs, the touches, the kisses. I miss his smell, the slipper dragging on the carpet, the squeak of the crutches. I miss watching him concentrate on his crosswords. I swear I heard him in the middle of the night. I woke up with a start, sitting up in bed, looking for him to tell me what was wrong. But when I sat up, he wasn't there. It was chilling, I still felt he was there. And I miss his hugs of reassurance most of all.

I still believe he is our good weather angel.  The golf tournament last week had great weather, and this weekend was a super summer weekend for golf and karoaoke.  I am certain that he is already well liked in whatever universe he is in, and is able to make a contra deal somehow to send us good weather!

I still remember the final days and hours spent with Callum. His reactions to Cade holding his hand, his reassurance that things will be OK.  I remember gently holding his hand while he took his final breaths, sweetly telling him I love him, tenderly having our last kiss, telling him that it is time for him to have peace. All the while knowing a piece of me was dying along him. It still sucks.

"Your memories are yours forever,
Every story,
Every cherished moment
Is safe within you,
For all time"
    Ink Loft Greeting Card.

TTFN
Lorna

Memories...new and old

It has been good to be in Medicine Hat. I have had a few days getting back in the groove - a great MH News party (Good Luck in Winnipeg AP!) and Jamie in a golf tournament here.  It was nice to be with such wonderful people in such familiar settings. I know now for sure that Medicine Hat is the best place for me. 

I was honoured and humbled to hear that the Medicine Hat News is planning some different memorials for Callum. They will name  one of their scholarships after him and they are going to plant a tree just outside the Ad Director's office. Kind of eerily, they had to cut down the old tree because it died. And they would like to dedicate a park bench in his name. This is right up my alley because I had also been considering a park bench so I will work with the News on this memorial project.  If anyone had any doubt about how much he meant to the newspaper industry in general, and to the News, these gestures will quash those doubts!  Callum would be so surprised, and humbled. He only ever wanted to do a good job! Some good memories in the making, some good memories from the past.

I have spent some time at the Connaught Golf Course this weekend. Jamie is playing in the 3-day Southeastern Golf Tournament. He is currently one shot back of 1st place.  He won the horse race today (it is a fun competition as part of the tournament) which is the first time he has ever won a horse race! It was so great to watch him. I watched him play the last 3 holes of his main round today and over 5 holes of the horse race. I am a very proud mom.  I don't think anyone noticed the few tears I had when I would look for Callum and realize he wasn't there.  I fondly remember following many horse races when he would seem to come from no where, put his arm around me and give me a hug.  I swear I could see his smile and hear him say "hi sweetie - how're you doing?".  He would have been so proud of Jamie's horse race win. Especially the long birdie putt on 8 and the chip to within a couple of feet from the hole in the chip-off to win. Good memories in the making, some good memories from the past.  And a few tears for both. 

"I hear your whispers in the rain ... Your Kiss in the rushing wind.... your embrace in the still of the night...I'm Missing you"

Author: Helen Rebibis Ramos

TTFN

Lorna

Stepping Forward

It has been a very busy and high stress week.  With the sale of the condo I am renting I was on the hunt for a house. I looked and looked and looked again. On Tuesday and Wednesday I changed my mind on my favourite  house every hour.  I am so thankful for my real estate advisor and my financial advisor - I ended up with a great house deal. I have a new place to live on September 30! Well, I will likely take a couple of weeks to move, but the house will be mine as of Sept. 30.  One very, very stressful thing is out of the way.

This didn't come without tears.  I found I really, really missed Callum during this process. I make many decisions with emotion and intuition. I am not necessarily emotional when making decisions, but there was certainly a wide range of emotions this week. I pretty much lived on Advil and Tylenol for 5 days. I really missed the logical, practical input Callum would have. That's where my advisors helped me so much.  They helped me stay focused on my goal of making a sound financial decision.

One of my biggest fears was that I would make a really bad decision when buying a house - I don't trust my judgement at this time. I now have a new home, and if it ends up to not work for me, I got a good enough deal that I should be able to sell it recoup all my costs. Thank goodness for great friends and family in helping me with house hunting and making a decision.

I must also thank Matt Teel from Royalty Lepage. Matt stood by my side while looking at virtually every listed  house in my budgetnorth of the river. Matt treated me with utmost repect and always kept my interests his priority.  And he will now be my neighbor - he lives 1/2 block from me! I look forward to continuing his friendship and when I am ready to sell, he be my first call. keep his name in mind if you know of anyone in Medicine Hat looking to sell or buy a house - Matt Teel, Royalty Lepage

Through all of this I had such conflicting feelings of being supported and yet being so alone. I am not yet used to being alone, and here I was trying to choose a place to take a step forward on my new life journey.  Usually people start out with baby steps, but, as is typical for me, I start with the giant step.

Just for fun, go to life stressor questionnaire and see where you score.  I was quite surprised at my score!  If you share your score with me I will share mine with you!
I am definitely in a very high stress time right now.  I will start working on increasing both my emotional and physical health. I can't believe weak my whole body is. I have a long way to go, but I must get started before the next high stress events come - moving into the place here, and the sale of the Saskatoon home and moving from there.

I also received my letter of dismissal from my job in Saskatoon.  They have restructured the position and I no longer fit the qualifications. I had previous discussions with my board and had decided this would be for the best.

So, when I woke up Friday morning I was technically homeless and unemployed. Thank good ness by the end of Friday I had fixed the homeless issue!  And I am not anxious to become employed - I am looking at some other options.

It will be times like this that I miss my other brain. One of the reasons Callum and I worked so well together is that we blended all things needed for decisions - emotion, intuition, logic and practicality. I now have access to only my half - I must call in the troops to help with the rest. I guess that is what they are for.

2 steps forward, 1 back sometimes.  The journey must go forward, even in baby steps.

To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping

TTFN
Lorna