Walking the journey- together...alone.

OOPS...hopefully this is a better quality video.

2012-01-31T18:34:00.001-06:00

It came to my attention that the previous video I posted was not really great quality. I hope this one is better. However....it it isn't, please let me know.

Lorna

6 months LWC - almost

2012-01-10T23:06:00.001-06:00

Tis the eve of the 6 month anniversary of Callum's passing. Where does the time go? I still hear him and feel him near me. Where do the thoughts come from? I was sitting there, in band rehearsal, and was nearly overcome with grief. Who knew a Mommas and Poppas medley could do that?! Those pictures entered my mind. Callum, laying in the hospital bed, very sedated. There I am, pulling out and unfolding the cot. Laying out the dark hospital blankets. I find my comfy pillow. I look at him and feel sad. Never knowing this would be the last night we would spend together. As I lay down, I gently reach for his hand. I can tell he is slipping away. I don't get the tight squeeze back that I have had each of the last 4 nights. I listen to his breathing, afraid he will stop breathing through the night and I won't have the chance to say good bye. Oh how I wanted him to be pain free and in peace. Oh how I wanted him to never leave me. I could not have both. It was inevitable. We were prepared. Or were we? I tried to sleep lightly enough to listen for any change in breathing so I wouldn't miss a thing.

Did I tell him how much I loved him? Did I hold him often enough?

The last night.....will last forever in my heart.

There are many family and friends who share my grief. Grief is a journey unique to each of us. I have learned that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. BUT, we MUST grieve. I found a poem that I would like to share with you. I believe we have all been on both sides of the story, and I hope it brings some understanding, and not offence. Our grief journeys are individual and each of us is in a different place in that journey. At the very least, I hope this poem will help you understand where I am right now.

THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

There’s an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting,
so it is hard to get around it.

Yet we squeeze by with,
“How are you?” and, “I’m fine,”
and a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.

We talk about the weather;
we talk about work;
we talk about everything else—
except the elephant in the room.

There’s an elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant
as we talk together.

It is constantly on our minds.
For, you see, it is a very big elephant.
It has hurt us all, but we do not talk about
the elephant in the room.

Oh, please, say her (his) name.
Oh, please, say “Barbara” ("Callum")again.
Oh, please, let’s talk about
the elephant in the room.

For if we talk about her (his) death,
perhaps we can talk about her (his) life.
Can I say, “Barbara” ("Callum")to you
and not have you look away?

For if I cannot,
then you are leaving me alone
in a room—with an elephant.

--- Terry Kettering

"Do not protect yourself from grief by a fence, but rather by your friends".--

Czech Proverb

TTFN

A New Year

2012-01-01T00:40:00.002-06:00

I know it's been quite a while since I blogged - about 6 weeks! Over the next week or so I will update on the many exciting things that have happened.

Most of us are thinking of the New Year and what it means for us. In many ways I am glad to see the end of 2011 and welcome a wonderful 2012.

This song pretty much sums up my feelings about the upcoming new year. i do believe I will again be with Callum one day. And in 2012 I will begin again. I know that the intended message of the song is much different than what I am taking from it, but U2 was the last band concert we went to together. Somehow it is fitting for me right now.

" We will open the book. Its pages are blank...We are going to put words on them ourselves....The book is called “Opportunity” and its first chapter is New Year’s Day." - Edith L. Pierce

TTFN

This, too, shall pass

2011-11-13T10:25:00.001-06:00

A wise person (does anyone know who?) said that "This, too, shall pass." And they were right! After a very teary day on Friday I have bounced back with more optimism and a clearer head. While I know that I will continue to have days like that, I also know it will pass.

Saturday was a great day. I got some things on my " to do" list done and spent some super time with Cade. He was a little tired so he had a nap - on Grandma. We watched some Oasis tv - lots of animals on that channel! I enjoyed a very fine meal with Vanessa, Stu and Cade (thanks Stu!) and had a nice visit with Ger and Erika in the evening. A pretty fine day I would say!

Time for getting the house tidy and cleaned - only 3 sleeps until I go to Ixtapa! It will be a wonderful 2 weeks - I plan to return here relaxed, with a sense of renewal, and a great tan!

"May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays."

TTFN

LWC - 4 months

2011-11-11T17:18:00.001-06:00

Well, here I am, 4 months after Callum left this world for a place that is free of pain and gives him peace. I try every day to find peace. While I think I have sipped it every now I than, I know I have yet to experience true peace since he died. I have realized that I am really living by that quote "fake it til you make it". Things are certainly different now. This is quite an adjustment. Lately I have had more pleasant memories come back that put a smile on my face and some joy in my heart, but the memories of the last days Callum was in hospital are still as clear in my mind as the day he passed away. I can still hear his last breaths, and when the nurse was checking his heartbeart, I hear very clearly when she said "he is gone". It was 5:45 pm, Monday, July 11.

Today was likely one of the hardest days for me so far. I can only suspect that it is because I have had some much needed quiet time to do more grieving and healing. I have been surprised at how quickly and intensely the tears flow. I try to not fight it. I need to heal. It is part of the process. But damn it, it hurts like hell.

I had decided today that I would start to say thank you to Callum for being a loving husband and father, such a hard worker and provider. He made sure we are taken care of, and that I have some freedom to do what I want, not have to something I don't want to do. He gave me freedom to live in a nice home, close to family. He showed me that hard work pays off. Neither of us have a university or college degree, but we did pretty damn good! He showed me how to live well and love deeply. He taught me to never give up. He encouraged me to move forward in my life, to take time for me, to try my own business, go to school, or wait for the perfect job - whatever I wanted.

I do thank him for that. More than anyone will ever know. But somewhere through those thoughts reality flew in. I can say thanks, but I will never have him back. I want him to be here to see me become successful. I want him to share in our family tribulations and triumphs. Every beat of my heart changes from gratitude to immense sadness.

Time will heal. Tears will heal. I have felt joy again, and will feel more in the future. But every joy will be joined with sadness that it is not shared with Callum.

So, today at 5:45 I will have a glass of wine and toast Callum for all he has provided our family. Our happiness is for what he always strived. Well done, sweetheart.

Joy, happiness, gratitude. I am on my way to healing.

Peace and contentment are yet to come.

TTFN

Halloween and Memories

2011-10-31T22:55:00.000-06:00

Pirate Lorna - housewarming party

Things have been slowing down a bit the last couple of weeks. Most of the last month I have been busy with this or that, and pretty much avoiding grieving if I could. I think I would like to write a "how to grieve for dummies" book because I just don't know what to expect. All the professionals say it is an individual thing and nothing is wrong when it comes to grieving. I can grieve however I want, and however I need to. That doesn't help me much some days. I am moulded into a deadlines, guidelines and goals. I like checking off to do lists. I like challenges, but with a plan to meet them - and some kind of evidence I have completed the necessary steps. Grieving is not like that. Sometimes I feel like I have a grip on it, and the next minute I have a grief outburst, a good cry, often followed by a nap - it can be exhausting. I am trying to get back to some kind of "normal", but to be honest, I have no idea what normal is anymore. I am only now realizing how absolutely abnormal my life has been for most of the past 3 - 5 years. Overall, I think I am getting better everyday, but some days.....well, there are days that I am reminded of the physical and emotional intensity of grieving.

I have started back into some activities. I have joined the senior community concert band - 10th flute! I love playing music again. I have been taking an intro to Photoshop course and an online InDesign course. All in preparation of my upscale slideshow business I will launch next year. The concentration is getting better - but these things truly tell me what kind of day I am having! I can almost completely concentrate during a 2 hr rehearsal, and the 3 hr photoshop course is good for about 2 hours.....then I wander a bit. It's getting better though!

I hosted a bit of a housewarming get together last week - my way of giving myself a deadline for most of the unpacking and organizing the new home. It was a fun time and it only took me 5 days to get over the party and the getting ready for it! We had great fun posing as pirates and princesses for our pictures!

It's been a bit of a melancholy day. I have had good moments, sad moments and lonely moments. It has felt very strange. Many, many memories coming to the surface. Good ones. But some stop me in my tracks. Perhaps because I know I need to be prepared for holidays and family celebrations to be different. But I didn't really think of Halloween.

I remember making costumes for Jamie and Vanessa. I don't remember ever buying them one. I remember the Care Bears, the Raggedy Anne and Andy. I remember the rush to get the costumes done. The rush when Callum got home from work to hand out candy while I took the kids out. For years that was a pizza night because I just couldn't seem to make a meal, dress the kids and get the treats ready! In the early years we had so little money that pizza was an extra special treat.

I remember missing many Halloween nights. I seemed to be in night school for many of them, and worked a number of them, too. I wasn't usually the one to hand out candy anyway - that was Callum's job. He really enjoyed seeing all the little ones dressed up. Even last year when he couldn't make it to the door, he sat in his chair and watched all the children go up and down the street. He didn't miss seeing many of the costumes!

I remember I would hurry the kids home so we could jump in the care and visit Grandma and Grandpa, and Nana and Grandad. It was a very busy night, but a special family time.

I have enjoyed handing out treats tonight. Although I am wondering if I am in a time shift. I saw Smurfs, Luigi from Mario Bros, Transformers, Rafael (a ninja turtle), Batman, and many others from the days of our children. Many were superheroes of some kind - a nice trend! Of course, a few princesses and the cutest little dino you'd ever see!

I didn't think Halloween would bring up so many memories. Many brought smiles to my face and warmth in my heart. Of course....followed by a tear or two. Thank goodness for happy memories.

"Each happiness of yesterday is a memory for tomorrow"

Author: Unknown

TTFN

LWC - 3 months

2011-10-11T23:53:00.002-06:00

Callum's 50th Birthday Party

I sit here pondering the last 3 months, perhaps I am really pondering the last 4 - 6 months.

3 months ago today my dear Callum passed away. I am learning to take comfort in knowing he is no longer in pain and has found peace, in whatever universe he landed.

For me, in amongst brief times of peace I feel pain. One would think that it would lessen as time went one. I believe that will happen one day. But for now, there are days that the pain is even more intense. Every day still reminds me he is not, and never will, be here with me. Pictures and memories. That is what I have left. A wise friend reminded me that we live on in our children and grandchildren. It seems quite fitting that I had the pleasure of looking after Cade today. Spending time with him is living proof that Callum lives on. He reminds me of how much joy he brought Callum, and continues to bring me. Through the times of joy, I shed a tear or two that Callum is no longer here to enjoy him, and hear him say "Hakuna Matata"! Cade still remembers him right now, but there is some sadness felt that Cade will not grow up with Grandad Callum by his side.

I have many pictures and video to add to my memories of Callum. It is a new life. I miss him so much. I have so many things to share with him.

A few tidbits about grief. I am sure most of you have heard that everyone is an individual when it comes to grief. This is a long, long process. So..

At times I will feel great - this is normal.

At times I will feel sad - this is normal.

At times I will feel angry - this is normal.

At times I will be tired - this is normal.

At times I will have no concentration - this is normal.

At times I will do things totally out of character - this is normal.

At times I will seem obsessive about remembering Callum - this is normal.

At times it will seem I have really moved on - this is normal. (even though I haven't!)

And all of the above can happen in 10 minutes, an hour, a day or a week - this is normal.

As I said, this is a process, and I have been advised by more than one professional to take it easy. In fact, both my Dr. and counsellor have told me to slow down. That I am doing a really good job of avoiding the pain and the grief. But this is not a good thing. I need to cry. I need to be angry. I need to spend time remembering our good times, our bad times, the courage we had to stick together. I need to mourn losing him, and need to mourn losing our future together. I ask that you continue to support me through this. But don't let me get away with distracting myself - or let others distract me - I will pay for it, I am told. It's very hard for me to slow down, and move forward at the same time. I can do it, but it is a challenge for me right now. I will graciously take all encouragement and support while I learn to slow down a bit.

As for now, I am enjoying a glass of red wine, remembering Callum, shedding a few tears through the smiles. While far from a perfect 34 years together, we enjoyed a wonderful life and we truly became best friends. It will hurt for a long time.

Tears have a wisdom all their own. They come when aperson has relaxed enough to let go and to work through his sorrow. They arethe natural bleeding of an emotional wound, carrying the poison out of thesystem. Here lies the road to recovery.

--- F. Alexander Magoun

TTFN

The Wall

2011-09-29T22:25:00.001-06:00

Here it is, the 2nd last day of September. The month has gone fast for me, which I suppose, is a good thing.

I have accomplished quite a lot this month. I bought a house in Medicine Hat, I sold my house in Saskatoon, and moved all my things from the rented condo and the Saskatoon house into my new house. That, along with watching Jamie play in a golf tournament, a one day photography course, my first band practice and a trip to Manitoba, my time has been quite busy.

That's good, or so one would think. There are many positives to moving forward. But, for me, moving forward and keeping busy can be both a good and bad coping mechanism. In the busy-ness I had actually started to convince myself I was doing a lot better. That I was handling things OK. I was even taken off guard at how happy I was feeling at times. I suppose one cue I should have paid attention to was the sleeping, either sleeping in or having naps. I told myself that was because I was unpacking and getting to bed late. That I was over tired from packing and moving. Perhaps that was part of it .

But today, I "hit the wall".

Let me explain - I know many of you have felt this way. I was going along quite happily today. I managed to get in an eye exam on short notice (and all is well, thankfully!), and attended the Annual General Meeting of the Medicine Hat News Santa Claus Fund. I have chosen the Santa Claus Fund as my community involvement for now, so have joined the Board of Directors. It is a great group of people and some real exciting work is being done to help children have a better Christmas. I digress. I stopped at Shaw and dropped off my Saskatoon phone modem - a bonus for me, now I don't have to mail it back! I came home, grabbed a snack, had a great chat with a good friend, and then started to do some unpacking. I decided to carry on with my bedroom, so I unpacked the rest of my clothes. I opened the large brown wardrobe box from Saskatoon and took out a couple of my jackets. Next were Callum's clothes from Saskatoon. I didn't have time to go through them there and just moved them here to deal with them. I hung them in the closet. I don't know why. At first it seemed like they belonged there. It made sense. Then it happened. I "hit the wall". My arms and legs had no strength. They felt like huge lead pipes. Almost like a paralysis. I was looking at things but not seeing them. I tried to make sense of my thoughts, but I couldn't. I "hit the wall". Immediate, intense fatigue and heaviness. Cloudy thoughts.

This was a "hit me over the head with a 2x4" cue that I am still grieving with some intensity. I have had that intense feeling before, but not really often. My first memory was the day Callum was diagnosed with rectal cancer - that foggy brain trying to make sense of what was happening is something I'll never forget. My second memory of this intense feeling was the day we found out the cancer had spread to both lungs and a cure was no longer in the picture. My third memory is of the day he nearly died from sepsis. During the last few months I would experience a wave of these feelings, with varied intensities. However, I was taken aback today with the suddenness of this wave.

It's a good reminder to me to be deliberate in taking breaks, having fun, and getting enough rest. I avoid things by being busy. I know I need to move forward and start my new life. I can't sit around and mope. But I do need to be kind to myself. To realize I am still not able to do as many things in a day as I once could.

One thing I am going to start doing again is writing what I am grateful for each day. It doesn't take a lot of physical energy, and can help end my day on a positive note. Some days it may be hard, but important to be grateful for something!

So...here goes.
Five things I am grateful for today:
1) I had a great eye exam.
2) I have joined a fun and committed board of directors.
3) My driveway has forms, and nearly ready for cement.
4) I had a great chat with a wonderful person.
5) I have a stove that works properly and is easy to use!

Well, good night folks.

TTFN
Lorna

An Angel on my Shoulder

2011-09-28T17:18:00.001-06:00

The slideshow is best viewed in full screen and with speakers turned up.

TTFN
Lorna

LWC - 2 months, Rambling Thoughts

2011-09-12T00:50:00.003-06:00

It's been two months since Callum passed away. I wish I had the words, and brain power to communicate, to really explain how my world has changed. Some of you will have an idea of what it is like because you have lost a husband or wife at at a young age. Honestly, though, until you have gone through it, you have NO idea what the days are like.

50th Birthday Party

I was away for a few days so I picked up the mail today when I got home. One piece of mail was addressed to "The Estate of the Late Callum Scott". When I get these, at first I want to say that he was never late for anything! A little chuckle, and then, once again, the stark realization that he is gone. Sometimes it stabs my heart just like the day he passed away.

There are still insurance payments to come, health benefit payments to track down, pension funds to look at, final bills to pay and much, much more.

I had a few "firsts" this weekend. I went to write in a card and instantly started with a "w" for we, instead of I. I signed my first "Lorna" card, not "Callum and Lorna". I had to take a few deep breaths to carry on writing. I went to celebrate the 25th anniversary of Callum's brother and his wife. It was the first "Scott" get together since the memorial services. We had some fun, but that stark realization hit again during karaoke when Callum's brothers got up to sing - there should have been 3, but now, there are 2. (Two wonderful boys, oops, men!). Now that we move forward in our lives, we are starting to see where the holes are, and will be in the future. There are parts of the future I am not looking forward to because he will not be there.

I also saw many of our family hurting. We try to carry on, but I think each of us has dimmed our internal spark. Whether or not we admit that we are hurt and sad, it shows on every one of us. We all had different relationships with him, but each were very important. We will need a way to share our grief with each other. Our strong family is important to the healing, but we should be somewhat comforted by knowing we share our grief. Our lives will never, ever, be the same.

I miss him so much. I miss the hugs, the touches, the kisses. I miss his smell, the slipper dragging on the carpet, the squeak of the crutches. I miss watching him concentrate on his crosswords. I swear I heard him in the middle of the night. I woke up with a start, sitting up in bed, looking for him to tell me what was wrong. But when I sat up, he wasn't there. It was chilling, I still felt he was there. And I miss his hugs of reassurance most of all.

I still believe he is our good weather angel. The golf tournament last week had great weather, and this weekend was a super summer weekend for golf and karoaoke. I am certain that he is already well liked in whatever universe he is in, and is able to make a contra deal somehow to send us good weather!

I still remember the final days and hours spent with Callum. His reactions to Cade holding his hand, his reassurance that things will be OK. I remember gently holding his hand while he took his final breaths, sweetly telling him I love him, tenderly having our last kiss, telling him that it is time for him to have peace. All the while knowing a piece of me was dying along him. It still sucks.

"Your memories are yours forever,
Every story,
Every cherished moment
Is safe within you,
For all time"
Ink Loft Greeting Card.

TTFN
Lorna

Memories...new and old

2011-09-04T21:23:00.004-06:00

It has been good to be in Medicine Hat. I have had a few days getting back in the groove - a great MH News party (Good Luck in Winnipeg AP!) and Jamie in a golf tournament here. It was nice to be with such wonderful people in such familiar settings. I know now for sure that Medicine Hat is the best place for me.

I was honoured and humbled to hear that the Medicine Hat News is planning some different memorials for Callum. They will name one of their scholarships after him and they are going to plant a tree just outside the Ad Director's office. Kind of eerily, they had to cut down the old tree because it died. And they would like to dedicate a park bench in his name. This is right up my alley because I had also been considering a park bench so I will work with the News on this memorial project. If anyone had any doubt about how much he meant to the newspaper industry in general, and to the News, these gestures will quash those doubts! Callum would be so surprised, and humbled. He only ever wanted to do a good job! Some good memories in the making, some good memories from the past.

I have spent some time at the Connaught Golf Course this weekend. Jamie is playing in the 3-day Southeastern Golf Tournament. He is currently one shot back of 1st place. He won the horse race today (it is a fun competition as part of the tournament) which is the first time he has ever won a horse race! It was so great to watch him. I watched him play the last 3 holes of his main round today and over 5 holes of the horse race. I am a very proud mom. I don't think anyone noticed the few tears I had when I would look for Callum and realize he wasn't there. I fondly remember following many horse races when he would seem to come from no where, put his arm around me and give me a hug. I swear I could see his smile and hear him say "hi sweetie - how're you doing?". He would have been so proud of Jamie's horse race win. Especially the long birdie putt on 8 and the chip to within a couple of feet from the hole in the chip-off to win. Good memories in the making, some good memories from the past. And a few tears for both.

"I hear your whispers in the rain ... Your Kiss in the rushing wind.... your embrace in the still of the night...I'm Missing you"

Author: Helen Rebibis Ramos

TTFN

Lorna

Stepping Forward

2011-09-03T23:40:00.000-06:00

It has been a very busy and high stress week. With the sale of the condo I am renting I was on the hunt for a house. I looked and looked and looked again. On Tuesday and Wednesday I changed my mind on my favourite house every hour. I am so thankful for my real estate advisor and my financial advisor - I ended up with a great house deal. I have a new place to live on September 30! Well, I will likely take a couple of weeks to move, but the house will be mine as of Sept. 30. One very, very stressful thing is out of the way.

This didn't come without tears. I found I really, really missed Callum during this process. I make many decisions with emotion and intuition. I am not necessarily emotional when making decisions, but there was certainly a wide range of emotions this week. I pretty much lived on Advil and Tylenol for 5 days. I really missed the logical, practical input Callum would have. That's where my advisors helped me so much. They helped me stay focused on my goal of making a sound financial decision.

One of my biggest fears was that I would make a really bad decision when buying a house - I don't trust my judgement at this time. I now have a new home, and if it ends up to not work for me, I got a good enough deal that I should be able to sell it recoup all my costs. Thank goodness for great friends and family in helping me with house hunting and making a decision.

I must also thank Matt Teel from Royalty Lepage. Matt stood by my side while looking at virtually every listed house in my budgetnorth of the river. Matt treated me with utmost repect and always kept my interests his priority. And he will now be my neighbor - he lives 1/2 block from me! I look forward to continuing his friendship and when I am ready to sell, he be my first call. keep his name in mind if you know of anyone in Medicine Hat looking to sell or buy a house - Matt Teel, Royalty Lepage

Through all of this I had such conflicting feelings of being supported and yet being so alone. I am not yet used to being alone, and here I was trying to choose a place to take a step forward on my new life journey. Usually people start out with baby steps, but, as is typical for me, I start with the giant step.

Just for fun, go to life stressor questionnaire and see where you score. I was quite surprised at my score! If you share your score with me I will share mine with you!
I am definitely in a very high stress time right now. I will start working on increasing both my emotional and physical health. I can't believe weak my whole body is. I have a long way to go, but I must get started before the next high stress events come - moving into the place here, and the sale of the Saskatoon home and moving from there.

I also received my letter of dismissal from my job in Saskatoon. They have restructured the position and I no longer fit the qualifications. I had previous discussions with my board and had decided this would be for the best.

So, when I woke up Friday morning I was technically homeless and unemployed. Thank good ness by the end of Friday I had fixed the homeless issue! And I am not anxious to become employed - I am looking at some other options.

It will be times like this that I miss my other brain. One of the reasons Callum and I worked so well together is that we blended all things needed for decisions - emotion, intuition, logic and practicality. I now have access to only my half - I must call in the troops to help with the rest. I guess that is what they are for.

2 steps forward, 1 back sometimes. The journey must go forward, even in baby steps.

To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping

TTFN
Lorna

What a day!!

2011-08-29T23:26:00.000-06:00

Wasagaming, Manitoba July 2011

Well, it has been quite a day! Here is the list:

Handyman comes to do repair.

Phone and make Dr. appt.

Phone and make Chiro appt.

Talk to guy who is showing private sale house tonight

Look at more houses for sale on internet

Organize house paperwork into the no's, maybe's and haven't seen

Email Sakatoon realtor for update

Lady comes to give me my notice to be out of condo by Dec.1

Talk with owner of private sale house

Call purolator to confirm envelope is there

Make lunch

Go to purolator, pick up envelope

Go to funeral home and pay bill (big, big sigh)

Go to bank for appt to deal with Cal's pension funds (sigh, sigh)

Deposit insurance cheque (big, big sigh)

Pick up printer cartridges

Pick up something for supper

Go see private sale house

Supper

Look at 3 more homes

Talk to owner of private sale home

Update real estate advisor

Is that enough for one day?

"All of life is a journey; which paths we take, what we look back on, and what we look forward to is up to us. We determine our destination, what kind of road we will take to get there, and how happy we are when we get there." From A Little Book of Happiness

TTFN

Lorna

The Show Must Go On

2011-08-24T20:55:00.001-06:00

"The Show must go on!
The Show must go on!Yeah!
Inside my heart is breaking,
My make-up may be flaking,
But my smile, still, stays on!"

Queen (The Show Must Go On)
I thought I was doing OK. This week has been a wallop, though. So many things I want to tell Callum. I want to tell him about Jack Layton. I want to tell him that the editor at the Medicine Hat News has resigned. I want to tell him Canada Post has screwed up redirecting the mail. I want to tell him I had a great time with Jamie. I want to tell him Cade talked to me on the phone and told me he went potty at Kristi's (his day home). I want to tell him that Vanessa and Stu bought a new crib for the baby. I want to tell him the crazy condo people are still crazy and the property management co. isn't much different. I want to tell him that I connected with another Saskatchewan blog lady. I want to tell him I miss him and I will be OK but right now I don't know how. I want to tell him they finally fixed the 8th st and Boychuk drive intersection in Saskatoon, but eastbound 8th st is still a mess. I want to tell him they fixed the 12th St and Division Ave NE intersection in Medicine Hat and Finley Bridge has stupid lights but should be open again tomorrow. I want to tell him that Chris shot 38 last week.

But he's not here. Now that most visiting is done and I am spending more time on my own it is getting harder each day. I have never, ever experienced such pain in my heart. It is unbearable at times. It feels like a one ton weight is on my chest, and then it springs claws and tears out my heart. Tears spring at any moment, and many moments in a row. Do you ever run out of tears?

I try to be excited about a new place to live and the future. But there is so much future that is hard to face without him. It is just so unfair. I really thought we had gone though enough pain and grieving that I was aware of how much this would hurt. But I had no idea. Not even close.

I know others get through it. I know I will get through it. This is the hardest thing because I have no feeling of control. Even with the terminal diagnosis I had some control - with meals, medications, dr appts etc etc. Now I have nothing. Nothing is in control. The condo I am renting is sold and I have no choice but to move. I was planning on it anyway - but now I have no choice.

Sometimes I walk around in circles trying to remember what I am doing. I make silly mistakes. I don't remember things. All grieving. Damn cancer! I hate cancer!! This wasn't supposed to be our life.

How do you go from being a wife to being a widow? Interesting transition. What is your first feeling when you hear the word "wife" and what is the first thing you think of when you hear the word "widow"? "Widow" is a word that sounds so lonely and sad. And it is lonely and sad being a widow, although I am still a rookie so I am sure that changes at some point.

Been a couple of tough days. Good things have happened, but sometimes the good things bring both happiness and sadness.

The Light of Loving Memories
On the journey through our sadness,
There's a light that helps us find
A tender reassurance and
Some peace of heart and mind.
It's the light of loving memories,
With their gentle guiding glow.
To grace our days and
Smooth our paths
Wherever we may go. (Greeting card)

Here is a great video. It hits very close to home but certainly tells my story in a way.

http://youtu.be/pxy0uBbHLCw

TTFN
Lorna

Interesting article

2011-08-22T19:40:00.000-06:00

I have always been quite annoyed at hearing people say "he lost his battle to cancer". I always thought it diminished the hard work, determination, persistence and courage that cancer patients embody. Check out this article - it speaks to my thoughts!

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/health/new-health/conditions/cancer/jack-layton-didnt-lose-a-fight-he-died-of-cancer/article2137736/

TTFN
Lorna

My New Life....Transitions....Transitions

2011-08-20T21:36:00.000-06:00

Life is full of transitions. Days go on, and we adjust and adapt. I have to admit, though, that some feelings I had today were as prevalent as the day Callum passed away. The last few weeks have been busy with paperwork, travelling, family, friends and settling into my new life. I spent the past few days in Calgary with Jamie and we had a great time. It was really nice to spend time with him. I look forward to the next visit!

Please realize that what I am feeling is normal. My feelings are normal. I have had support from many people.

But as I drove home, the reality of going home to the apartment, alone, really hit me. Things have been so busy that whenever I was home alone, I was getting ready for the next trip or looking forward to visits from friends and family.

This time is different. There are no travel plans for a couple of weeks. There are no visitors coming. I am here. I am alone. This is the next transition for me.

It's predictable. There are so many things to do when you are looking after someone who is ill. There are so many things to look after for memorial services. And so many things to look after for insurance and final bills. And then it slowly changes. Life slows down and hits you in the face again.

I have really missed Callum this week - if I could ever miss him more one time than another. He's not here to help me through deciding whether to build a home or buy a home. I want to tell him that the check engine light on the Porsche was only a sensor - once reset all is fine. I want to see him smile when Cade gives him a "high 5". The feeling that I am living a dream is back. I feel he will be waiting for me when I get home. I know it isn't true.

I think of the things people say to help me feel better. Please understand I say these things generally - there are no specific things said by anyone that has caused me to feel this way. Don't take any of this personally - it is part of the grief process for me. Thank you for support - I will still need your ears and shoulders-and you!

But there is nothing anyone can say to make it better. Nothing. Callum is gone. I miss him. It is just not fair. One of the books I am using to help me get through the grief process talks about how we have been taught to minimize our pain. When we fall and skin out knee, we get a hug, a cookie and told it is all better. We are taught to be grateful for the good things in our life. Losing my husband hurts. I am grateful he outlived all expectations, but it still hurts. I am grateful for the positive attitude he had. How he lived life to the fullest. But I still hurt. Those things don't take the pain away. I am so thankful we were able to travel and visit family and friends. Those were happy times. But I have many sad, and mad, moments. I so glad he no longer has pain. But I am mad he ever had pain to start with!! Knowing he is no longer in pain doesn't make it easier!! These feelings are normal. I should be sad, and at times mad. I need to work through the grief. Transitions - life is full of them!

I am now an "I" or "me"...not "us" or "we". I still say "us" and "we" - it's so hard to get out of that habit! I am quite an independent person - I know I will be fine on my own. It will take adjusting, but I can do it. But I miss him. I miss talking things over with him, making a joke and seeing him smile. I miss talking with him about what we will do today, what trip we will take next, who do we want to see in concert. I miss him.

Another transition I need to work through is how to accept help from family and friends. How to talk with them about Callum and how much we all miss him. I don't need to be coddled. I don't need to have people with me all the time any more than I should be alone all the time. Balance - I need to find the balance between being busy and time for relaxation, reflection and rest. One of my coping mechanisms is to keep busy - I have to be careful to not overdo it. I have to be quite deliberate at taking time for myself.

I look forward to some quiet time to think about the happy memories, to cry, to make plans for my new life. But life will never be the same as it was with Callum.

I miss him so much.

There's honour in a well-lived life...

there's healing in remembering...

there's hope in knowing love goes on forever.

TTFN

Lorna

LWC- Month 2 - memories

2011-08-12T08:04:00.002-06:00

Well, the first month without Callum is over. On we go into the 2nd month.

We had our toast last night - well, a couple of toasts and shared some memories.Vanessa, Stuart and Cade, Jamie, Callum's parents, his aunt and uncle from Scotland and my sister and brother-in-law were here last night so we had a great time of reminiscing. We talked about his love of cars, and how he usually didn't ask his dad for advice on buying a car. That might tell you about the wisdom of some of his choices!! I think Jamie quite aptly came up with one trait of his dad. He said, "dad was quite understanding about things, but there came a point where we had to understand him."

Many people replied to my request for a toast day on the one month anniversary. I have heard amazing stories from a lot of places. It is quite humbling, actually. I shared most of them with the family - it was heartwarming and brought a few tears to our eyes. Feel free to continue the toast on anniversary days or whenever you like. He may have left our worldly place, but I am determined that he never be forgotten.
Thank you to everyone who has replied so far! Please keep sending stories, it is a wonderful way to keep his memory alive and for me to learn even more about my wonderful husband.

To live in hearts we leave behind
Is not to die.
~Thomas Campbell, Hallowed Ground

TTFN
Lorna

Eve of 1 month Anniversary/Mourner's Bill of Rights (Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D)

2011-08-10T22:41:00.000-06:00

As I have travelled around the last few days I have talked with many different people, with many different things said to me about Callum's passing. Sometimes it is hard to know WHAT I should be feeling at this point. Sometimes I think I should be more sad, sometimes I think I shouldn't think about Callum so much, sometimes I think I am moving ahead way to fast. It has been just a month.

The good news is that I will grieve in whatever way I decide to. I will feel what I feel, and do what I do. Some of it will make sense to other people, and some of it won't. But it will make sense to me - and that is all that really matters.

It is so hard to believe that it was a month ago that I spent the last night with Callum. Throughout the night I held his hand as often as I could. It was more difficult as for some reason he wanted it across his stomach.

That night I wrote in my blog that we were close to losing him, and that it may be the last night we spent together. Even though I seemed to know what was happening, it still seems surreal at times. Those memories still occupy a great deal of my mind. I see him squeezing Cade's hand and smiling. I remember when he held Vanessa's and my hands and said it was going to be all right. I remember how Jamie lovingly held his hand for hours. I remember listening to his breathing slow down, and when the nurse listened to his heart and said "he's gone". He was finally at peace and pain free. And we are left heartbroken, with the task of carrying on our lives without him. I am still not sure I know how to do that.

I was reminded many times today that it is only a month, and that I have been quite busy, so it will take time to move from the memories of sharing the last days and moments of Callum's life to having the good and fun memories come more freely. It is a process. At times, a very painful process. I have added to the end of this post an article called "The Mourner's Bill of Rights". It is quite helpful for anyone who is mourning - whether for Callum or anyone else. Please check it out below.

Thursday, Aug. 11 is the one month anniversary. So, to try to continue to honour and respect Callum, and to gather happy memories, in honour of Callum, please take a drink of your favourite beverage. His would of course, be scotch, but anything from wine, to juice to milk will do! Think of ways he touched your life, and make your own toast to Callum and his life. If you have a chance to be with other people, share your stories and have a laugh or two!

I have made this into a bit of a treasure hunt for me. I am hoping to have people from all over the world do this.

Please send me an email to let me know your beverage of choice and share your story or toast with me, if you like. I will let you know Fri or Sat what “the stats” were.

I am sure tomorrow will have its share of tears. But I am hoping that each of us can share a thought or story, and have a smile, maybe even a laugh.

Please check out the article below!!

The Mourner's Bill of Rights

by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain "rights" no one should try to take away from you.

The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.

1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief.

No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don't allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.

2. You have the right to talk about your grief.

Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don't feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.

3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.

Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don't take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.

4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.

Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don't allow others to push you into doing things you don't feel ready to do.

5. You have the right to experience "griefbursts."

Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.

6. You have the right to make use of ritual.

The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don't listen.

7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality.

If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.

8. You have the right to search for meaning.

You may find yourself asking, "Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?" Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, "It was God's will" or "Think of what you have to be thankful for" are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.

9. You have the right to treasure your memories.

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.

10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal.

Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.

Dreams

2011-08-08T23:22:00.000-06:00

In the information on grief I have read so far, it mentions that you have more dreams when you are grieving. I have noticed this to be true. In fact, I had an amazing dream last night.

I dreamt that I was in the hospital with Callum, and he was in a deep sleep - really non-responsive. I was utterly amazed when he woke up. I thought it was a joke. But he was talking to me. I was so happy I couldn't stand it. I was taking him for a transfusion and told him every minute how much I loved him. He held me and kissed me, and told me how much he loved me. I let him know that I had made a bargain that if he was given back to me I would tell him very, very often how much I loved him. I can still feel the reassurance in his voice, a warm hug and his gentle touch.

And then I woke up this morning, rolled over to give him a kiss, but he wasn't there. A tear rolled down my cheek, Then another. And another. I hadn't yet been awake 2 minutes.

I try to enjoy the feelings I had in the dream, and the time I got to spend with Callum, even if it was just a dream. Sometimes I wished I never woke up from that dream. It was such a loving and caring moment.

Not long after that I read a memoriam in the newspaper - from a husband to his wife who passed away last year. I don't remember the exact wording, but he basically said that he doesn't shy away from the sad times. For they give him a chance to spend more time with her, even though she's gone. I liked what he said, and will try to cherish the memory, even though it still hurts.

"When I miss you, I don't have to go far ... I just have to look inside my heart because that's where I'll find you." Ruthie

TTFN

Lorna

one of those days....

2011-08-06T22:37:00.002-06:00

I woke up thinking of Callum....I missed him more and more as the day went on. I miss him so much.....

LWC - Day 27 "One Wish"

2011-08-06T21:38:00.000-06:00

One Wish

If I could have one wish

That I know would come true.

I would wish for many more days

That I could spend with you.

You are in every thought I have

I miss you more and more every day.

I knew this wouldn’t be easy,

But why does it end this way?

I see your face in the pictures,

I remember the sound of you voice.

To have again your gentle touch, your warm embrace,

Would make all of us rejoice.

We knew it couldn’t last forever

That one day you would be gone.

It seemed to happen way to soon

And now, we must live on.

You fought a brave and courageous fight,

To us, you are the best.

You are now at peace and free from pain,

It’s time for you to rest.

If I could have one wish

That I know would come true.

I would wish for many more days

That I could say “I love you”

Lorna Scott

LWC - Day 20, Love, Grief and Healing

2011-07-30T23:12:00.000-06:00

I told you it was going to be a roller coaster ride! At least that is how I am feeling the last week has been for me.

I returned to Saskatoon for a few days to get some business done. My friend from Ohio was up for the week so we had a great time visiting in between doing our own thing. She was visiting her mom, and they treated me to many suppers! It was nice to be looked after!!

Being busy is one of my coping mechanisms. It can be good to be distracted, but it can only last for so long. I am now learning how exhausting grieving and healing can be. The "fantasy land" of being busy did bring with it some energy I didn't know I had, but I am quite tired today after having nearly 10 hours sleep! Perhaps that is partly due to expending so much energy in my "grief burst" last night. As I travelled to the Hat I "left" the fantasy land and with each mile I felt more and more sad. I love being close to family in the Hat. But the realization that Callum wasn't waiting became a stark reality. I had a few tears as I was driving. And once I was home for a little while I became very sad and angry. I was so mad that he had so much pain at the end. I was mad he had to be so sedated to be comfortable. I was really angry he ever had cancer. I stomped my feet and cried. And cried. And cried. I was missing him so much and t was likely the best cry I have had since he was still in hospital. Perhaps that explains my exhaustion and need for sleep and relaxation.

No, I am not losing it. I am not in a deep depression (perhaps a bit of a minor one....but to be expected). This week I received some information on grief and healing. Apparently I am quite normal, which may surprise many of you! Last night, though, I was even mad that there was something I needed to grieve, it just isn't fair! Anger and deep sadness are to be expected, and are important to healing. I want to move past the pain, but I read that it is necessary to move through the pain. The pain, when it comes and how much it hurts, is beyond my control. I can only control how I handle these situations. And I need time to cry, be mad, eat well, exercise, be alone, and have fun. I need to be around people, but have time to myself. I need to have fun and have joy, but have days to mope, watch some movies and temporarily hibernate. This is all normal and expected.

Perhaps I need to look at this as a bit of a challenge, a "new job" so to speak. I will conquer the grief and heal. I will forever miss Callum, and think of him every day. And I will learn to think of him and feel joy for what we had together, happiness for all the good time, and I will smile and laugh. For now, sadness reigns.

Grieving is a necessary passage and a difficult transition to finally letting go of sorrow - it is not a permanent rest stop. ~Dodinsky, www.dodinsky.com

TTFN

Lorna

LWC - Day 19 Love - Gratitude

2011-07-30T11:22:00.000-06:00

LOVE - GRATITUDE
The agony is so great...
And yet I will stand it.
Had I not loved so very much
I would not hurt so much.
But goodness knows I would not
Want to diminish that precious love
By on fraction of an ounce,
I will hurt,
And I will be grateful to the hurt
For it bears witness to
The depth of our meanings,
And for that I will be
Eternally grateful.
Shirley Holler Jeffrey

Tough evening...

2011-07-29T23:53:00.000-06:00

I look at the pictures
Remember the happy times,
I can see you, hear you, touch you
But you aren't here.
Why did you have to go?
You were one of the good guys,
Too good to die so young.
Now I sit alone,
Wanting you back,
The pain is deep,
And so I cry.

The impossible...

2011-07-29T22:42:00.002-06:00

I want him back.....

LWC - week 3 - At Home in My Heart

2011-07-25T22:48:00.000-06:00

AT HOME IN MY HEART

When every new day has begun,
I'll see your face in the morning sun.
When night time falls and the stars shine bright,
I'll see your smile in the soft moon light.
When the song of a bird falls on my ear,
I'll think of your laughter and feel you near.
I will remember you always, we are not really apart.
For I have each treasured memory,
Alive and at home in my heart.

Bee Ewing

LWC Day 13 - Better Days

2011-07-24T22:32:00.000-06:00

I hope I don't make you guys dizzy with my ever changing emotions! I have a feeling this will be a wild ride!!

Today was a better day. Last night I re-read some of my posts from the last week or so. I saw a theme of me longing, nearly begging, for Callum to once again tell me things would be OK. Then I remembered a couple of things that happened when he was in the hospital.

I think it was either sometime on Saturday or maybe Sunday - hard for me to exactly remember when it happened. I was alone with him in his room, holding his hand. He asked me if he missed doing anything. I don't remember if he said much more than that, but I do believe he was asking if there was anything else he needed to do before he died. Lovingly, I let him know that everything was looked after and we would be fine.

The other thing happened late Saturday night. It was about 11 pm. Vanessa had stayed late that evening and was just getting ready to leave. We were standing on either side of Callum's bed, saying good night. Each of us held his nearest hand in our hand, and the tears started rolling down our faces and the quiet sobs started. Callum squeezed our hands and said "It will be all right. It will be all right.".

I reflected on these two events over the past day. I finally realized that Callum had already told us things would be OK. And just as he had to trust me when I said everything was looked after for us, I need to trust him, and those near to his last words, that I/we will be OK.

After this reflection I felt a burden was lifted. I realized that I wasn't disrespecting Callum and his memory by having happy moments and looking towards the future. In fact, it was more disrespectful to NOT find some joy and happiness, and make future plans. His wishes always were that I wouldn't be sad he was gone (well, I can't make that wish come true) and that I continue with my life, take the time to do something I love, start a business, go back to school - whatever I wanted to do. He wanted to be sure I was looked after and wouldn't have to work at a job I didn't like, and that I could enjoy some travel. He wanted me to return to golf. And of course, he wanted to be sure family remained all important. That we treasure the moments we have together and always love one another. Those wishes I can make come true.

It is in that spirit and awakening that I started this day with a coffee, a ciabatta bun with Bygarski Honey (the best honey ever!), surfing the net, answering emails, then spending time with Vanessa and Stuart while Cade played in his pool, enjoying supper with them, and booking my winter vacation to Ixtapa. Later, as I watched the computer screensaver of random family pictures, I had a tear or two, but was then able to smile and start to remember the joy we shared. It felt good to smile.

Does this mean I have no pain? Not at all. Does this mean I don't miss Callum? Not at all - I still think of him nearly every minute. I would give up my "new life" to have him back - in a heartbeat. I would give up a lot more than that if it would mean he would come back to us. But it won't happen. Nothing can bring him back. I now can only gain strength through his spirit and his memory. I trust him, and that when he said it will be all right, it really will be OK.

It is still sinking in that I won't see or hear him again. Thank goodness for pictures and memories - they will help him live on forever in our hearts and minds.

I know there will be a lot of pain to come in the future. Holidays, special days, when Cade looks for his Grandad. But it is so important for all of us to live, and enjoy a joyful and satisfying life.

That is what he wanted for all of us.

Some days there won't be a song in your heart. Sing anyway. ~Emory Austin

TTFN
Lorna

LWC Day 12 - Grief

2011-07-24T00:13:00.000-06:00

" Good Grief!" Many of us remember these words made famous by Charlie Brown. Grief is good. It is part of a healing process. The catch - it can hurt like hell!

According to the Merriam Webster online dictionary, grief is "a deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement."

That would explain the pain. We are "taught" all through our lives to escape pain. Maybe that is why it is so uncomfortable to accept the pain of grief. But it is essential to healing from the loss of someone close to our hearts. And it doesn't happen overnight. It is a process of good times and sad times. It brings guilt - at least for me it does. I have some survivor's guilt. I feel like I shouldn't have fun yet, that it is disrespectful to Callum. I feel guilty when I look forward to my future, especially when I get excited about some of it. But that helps me forget the pain. It never means I forget Callum. I think of him every minute of every day. It just isn't fair that he isn't here to enjoy life with me - with all of us.

I think we both grieved a lot over the last couple of years. As the damn cancer progressed I took over most of the household responsibilities. I have already been used to shopping on my own, driving many miles, the many trips to unload the car from the parking garage, making meals....etc etc. None of that is new. Together we grieved the loss of our future. I had started "losing" him quite a while before he left this world. We grieved the loss of our social life, the loss of his job, the loss of his career future - he would have made a great publisher!! We had started grieving all the family times we wouldn't share anymore - like the birth of our second grandchild. We were so thrilled to hear that a second grandchild is on its way, but it broke my heart when he cried because he wouldn't be here to meet baby bump in January. It still breaks my heart. He was a great grandad - and would have been an awesome grandad to all the grandchildren. It breaks my heart that they will never know what a loving and great man he was. And how he so much wanted to be a grandad.

So much grieving done, so much yet to do. Will it ever end? I have read that eventually the good memories start to replace the pain. That the joy of our life together will start to fill my heart and take the place of pain. What I really want is the impossible - I wish he would come back - that would ease the pain. It is a selfish thought, I know. I don't want him to have pain or fear. I want him to have peace. I wish I could have it all. It is not to be.

And so the grieving continues. I miss him. I long to hear his voice again. I long to feel his warm embrace. I want to hear him tell me it will be OK.

We have so many good memories....I will open up my heart and start filling it with them.

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. ~From the television show The Wonder Years

TTFN
Lorna

LWC Day 11 - a basket case of a different kind

2011-07-23T00:17:00.000-06:00

Some of you would be aware of the term "basket case" which is often used for someone who is falling apart emotionally, in some way. They may be extra sad, very angry or just not in touch with reality. I am happy to report that I don't think I fall into any of these categories!!

However, while making the 8 hour drive from Manitoba to Medicine Hat, I had some time to think...and to feel. And I felt like I was a basket of emotions. I felt different nearly every minute. Here are some things that ran through my head.

I felt joy. We stopped at Vanessa's godparents place and Cade got to see a kitty, feed a horse a carrot, pet a 3 week old lamb and take a ride in the tractor. He had so much fun at the farm! It was joyful to be part of that.

I felt sadness. Callum would have loved to see Cade at this farm. It is one he worked on for a few summers. I'd like to think he was watching even though we didn't see him.

I felt relief. This is a hard one to feel for very long. But there is some relief that I am not waiting for the medication alarm on my phone. It is a relief to not have to worry about someone while I am driving. It is a relief to know that Callum is no longer in pain.

I felt excited. Excited about what the future holds. I am an now responsible for myself, totally. I want to start a business, golf, maybe volunteer somewhere, golf, will join the community band again, golf, plan a trip to Ixtapa...so many things to look forward to.

I felt afraid. I planned to stay at the apt tonight when I returned home. The anticipation caused some fear and anxiety. It will be the first night I spend alone in the apt. The real scary part is that this is the first time I have really lived alone. Callum and I have spent many nights apart, but never anything like this. It will be OK. It is weird here but OK.

I felt gratitude. I have such a great family and circle of friends. So many people worried about me. It is nice to know I am so cared for! I have a freezer with lot of meals in it and came home to a wonderfully clean apt. I spent time with Vanessa and her family and have talked with Jamie nearly every day. I am so grateful for all this in my life.

I felt anger. Especially at cancer. I hate that this has happened. I know many people lose loved ones to cancer - and I know it sucks for them, too! Somewhere in my heart I had this hopeful feeling he would continue to get over those obstacles. And then it seemed to happen so soon. From one day eating all 3 meals and talking, to the next one spent mostly with eyes closed and little to eat. So quick it seemed. I still wish for the "just one more" kiss, hug and I love you.

I felt faith. Can one "feel" faith? As it happened, 2 totally different songs about keeping the faith played nearly one after the other on the CD in the car. I like to believe that faith is about taking those steps when you can't see the end of the road ahead of you (kinda stole a quote here, but you get the idea). I believe Callum came on the drive with me. And I think he was once again telling me to just have faith. Have faith that I will get through this. Have faith that he is looked after and is comfortable. Have faith that he will "be around". And faith that we will continue to love each other even though we are not together on earth.

And I end the day with sadness, as I always do. Night time seems worse that other parts of the day. It is quieter with more time to think and feel. But I must deal with it and carry one. This too shall pass.

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. ~Author Unknown

TTFN
Lorna

LWC Day 10

2011-07-21T16:33:00.000-06:00

Wow.....so hard to believe it has been 10 days since my sweetie Callum passed away. I miss him so much. I continue to feel him ear and am sure I hear him every now and then. There are so many memories. We had lunch today at the Clear Lake Golf course, overlooking the 9th green. From the little we could see the golf course is in great shape. It gave me the "golf itch" a little bit more. And then I started remembering all the Tamarack golf tourneys. Walking around the golf course while Callum played his matches. The stubborn 9th green was always good for a few laughs...and a couple of curses!! It seems like I am missing part of my own body. I think these must be the start of the toughest days. No more service planning, but still having to call so many businesses to change names and submit insurance claims. I have been closer to tears today than nearly any other day. These are the first days of my new life and they suck. It just sucks. I am so happy I decided to spend time at Clear Lake with Vanessa and family. It has been so nice to not be alone this week. And Cade is fun! It's been a good week....considering.....

TTFN
Lorna

LWC Day 9 - R and R at the lake

2011-07-20T15:35:00.000-06:00

I am sitting at the Siesta Cafe in Wasagaming - otherwise known as Clear Lake, Manitoba. We used to come here every summer for the Tamarack Golf Tournament. It seemed like the perfect place to get some rest and relaxation after the memorial services for Callum. We had some thunderstorms and rain early this morning, but it has turned into a great day.

It has been a bit of a tough day. One thing about not being busy is that you have time to think. When you have time to think you start to see reality. While I know and feel that it is real that Callum has passed away, it hurts so much to realize I will never, ever see or hear him again. I am so thankful for pictures and videos - it helps to keep the memories alive.

I had some really tough moments last night. I was begging to have him back. I would have done anything to turn back the clock and have him here. Where is Marty McFly and the time machine??!!

It just hurts so much. Grieving is so necessary but so, so hard. I want to be tough, but I don't know if I can do it. This new reality sucks right now. I know it will get better, I know I will enjoy life again - in fact, I have many enjoyable moments now. But the hurt never leaves.

I am enjoying sitting at the cafe using the wifi. Being outside is wonderful! I am looking forward to bakery cinnamon buns for breakfast tomorrow. And maybe the driving range.......I am looking forward to trying to golf again......

The future is bright, but it will be lonely and tough for a while.....

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland

TTFN
Lorna

LWC Day 7 - Brandon Memorial Service

2011-07-18T23:27:00.000-06:00

It was a beautiful day today for the Brandon Memorial Service for Callum. There were a lot of people there - we had to use some overflow seating. Kind of amazing and awe-inspiring for me. We left Brandon just over 10 years ago and there still so many people who came out to remember Callum and support our family. It is a testament to the number of people whose hearts he touched in some way.
One might think that it would be easier because we had a 2nd service. It was still hard. Hard to have to admit he is gone. Hard to hear so many share stories and how much they will miss him. Hard to look at pictures and know he isn't coming back. Hard to see many people by myself when we would hang out together in the past. Hard to realize that he isn't just across the room, he isn't going to get the car and pick me up at the door, and I will never feel a warm embrace in his arms. will never. I will need to relay on memory to find the comfort of his touch and the warmth of his smile.
I know he is gone but I feel him near. I am waiting to hear his voice to once again tell me it is going to be alright.

I will find comfort in family and friends. I have had ongoing and amazing support in the past few weeks. I will find joy in my life again. But I will always carry some sadness with me. He is no longer walking by my side in this world. I hope that whatever world he found will let him continue to guide me - and to love me. Love never dies.

Ever absent, ever near;
Still I see thee, still I hear;
Yet I cannot reach thee, dear!
~Francis Kazinczy

I miss him....
TTFN

LWC Day 4 - heartbreak

2011-07-16T00:38:00.000-06:00

The week has been quite busy and emotional. We managed to get all preparations done for Callum's memorial service in Medicine Hat on Thursday. We packed up and I am now in Brandon, looking forward to a couple days of relaxation before the service on Monday. It was a great day for driving- I am so glad I took the Porsche. I was able to drive with the lid down the whole way! A nice hot summer day, beautiful blue sky. I like to think Callum had something to do with the great weather and such a wonderful trip. It is still feeling surreal - I know he isn't here, but I can feel him near. There have been more moments of reality today - a long drive can get the mind working more clear. I miss him so much. Still so many tears to cry. I am so thankful to be surrounded by my loving family - it helps. But my heart aches. I just want to hold him one more time....to hug him one more time... to kiss him one more time...to say I love you one more time. But it is over...at least the worldly physical part. One day at a time.....one day at a time....maybe one hour..or one minute at a time....

TTFN
Lorna

One journey ends, another begins - LWC Day 1

2011-07-13T00:08:00.001-06:00

It is with immense sadness that I announce that my dearest husband Callum passed away on Monday, July 11 at about 5:45 pm. He was surrounded by his family and love.

We are truly heartbroken. There is no way to really prepare for the hurt that comes after losing such a wonderful man. We can be glad that he no longer is suffering, but it just doesn't seem fair to lose him so soon.

There are many more painful moments to come, but we will have many wonderful and treasured memories to help heal our hearts. He did not want us to be sad he died, but to be glad he lived and celebrate.

Funeral services will be held in Medicine Hat on Thurs. July 14, 2 pm at Saamis Memorial Funeral Chapel, and in Brandon, MB on Monday, July 18 at 10 am at Memories Funeral Chapel. Please contact me for any more information.

"Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force."

YODA, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Should You Go First

2011-07-11T14:48:00.000-06:00

Should you go first and I remain  

To walk the road alone,  

I'll live in memory's garden, dear,  

With happy days we've known.  

In Spring I'll wait for roses red,  

When fades the lilac blue,  

In early Fall, when brown leaves call

 I'll catch a glimpse of you.   

Should you go first and I remain  

For battles to be fought,  

Each thing you've touched along the way  

Will be a hallowed spot.

 I'll hear your voice, I'll see your smile,  

though blindly I may grope,  

The memory of your helping hand  

Will buoy me on with hope.   

Should you go first and I remain  

To finish with the scroll,  

No length'ning shadows shall creep in  

To make this life seem droll.  

We've known so much of happiness,  

We've had our cup of joy,  

And memory is one gift  

That death cannot destroy.   

Should you go first and I remain,  

One thing I'd have to do;  

Walk slowly down that long, lone path,  

For soon I'll follow you.

I'll want to know each step you take  

That I may walk the same,  

For some day down that lonely road  

You'll hear me call your name.  --A.K. Roswell

TTFN

Lorna

Pain, Pain, Go Away

2011-07-11T00:20:00.001-06:00

I can't believe how much pain a body can produce. The pain in Callum's knee has been excruciating for him. He needs to be fairly sedated to keep him comfortable.

I don't understand how this can happen to such a great person. And someone who has already endured so much. Why does he need this pain? Why does he have to risk bleeding? I am feeling, more than ever, that we have been once again robbed. Not only will we have to say good bye forever, he is not able to communicate and enjoy his family and friends these past few days. So moments taken from us. And at his expense. Thank goodness there are lots of drugs to make him comfortable. It helps to seem have some peace.

We know with each passing minute we are getting closer to losing him. Tears are starting to flow more freely. We have shared many stories with family and friends. He does smile when he hears something he likes. At least we can give him that. He did smile and have a few words throughout the day. But he is weaker and things are progressing.

The nightmare hasn't ended. And it won't. This is no bad dream. It is our reality, as surreal as it is. I may be spending the last night with the man I chose to spend my life with. And what a life he gave me.

Thank you Callum. I love you. And always will.

Love Forever, Lorna

2011-07-09T00:11:00.000-06:00

The view from Callum's hospital room.

Here I sit in one of the comfy recliners in Callum's room in the Palliative Care Unit. I am sipping on my calming night time tea and ready to crawl into the cot that is tucked up right beside Callum's hospital bed. He has been less alert today. He got a pain pump which gives him more even levels of pain control. Unfortunately, with more pain control comes less alertness. It is good to see him will less pain, so we will just have small conversations when we can.

Last night was a good night. But what started off as a calm, relaxing morning turned into a moment of crisis when he had a major bleed just after 9 am. It was stopped after 10 - 15 minutes. He was given one unit of blood following that bleed, at his request. He had a 2nd, smaller bleed later in the morning. Things have been fine since then. Although we know he continues to slowly bleed somewhere, and it will just be a matter of time before he bleeds again. The nurses will do what they can to to stop it, but with now transfusions he will just get weaker and weaker. The only good thing about that is there will be less chance that he bleed, and if he does, it will likely not be as bad. A small blessing.

He has slept most of the day but is able to talk a little bit, and ate all 3 meals.

It is a bizarre feeling to be here. I feel like I am in a bad dream and won't wake up. The tears are flowing which each new visitor - it is hard to see so many people in so much pain. We will all miss him so much!! It is so hard to believe that one day, very soon, I will no longer have my husband to hold, stroke, talk to. He won't be there to laugh at my corny jokes or make sure I get to places on time. Oh, I wish I could just kiss him and make it better. It is far too soon for him to leave us. Knowing it is going to happen and being prepared does nothing to change the pain and the hurt.

There is no doubt the world is a better place because of him. We have heard from many friends, colleagues and former colleagues about how he influenced them and the difference he made to their lives. I only wish he realized it. He remains humble and believes he was only doing his job - whether it was at work or with friends. And he truly is a family man and has been a great model of a great dad.

Memories - such great memories......

TTFN
Lorna

Changes

2011-07-06T23:46:00.000-06:00

Everyone goes through changes. Big. Small, Expected. Unexpected. Planned. Unplanned. And some just come whether you like it or not.

Callum had another bleed Tuesday night. We decided to give both of us a rest and have him take a respite night in the Palliative Care Unit. It was not long before he was considering whether he should make this a more permanent stay. The catch is, that if he chooses to come into the Palliative Care Unit, there will be fewer and fewer steps taken to prolong his life. Some important decisions to yet make.

He had a unit of blood tonight and will have another unit tomorrow. He will stay in the Palliative Care Unit while we will take a few days to decide what he wants to do next.

Changes we knew were coming. Changes we wish weren't coming. Life is not fair. He doesn't deserve this. Our family doesn't deserve. Cancer doesn't care. It just doesn't care.

I would love to put a positive spin on this, but most of you already know what I would say. Part of the grieving is to acknowledge how much this sucks, how much this hurts, and how much we will miss him. We need to be grateful for the good things, but it does not minimize the pain.

I'll always be beside you until the very end, wiping all of your tears away, being your best friend. I'll smile when you smile and feel all the pain you do, and if you cry a single tear, I promise I'll cry too. Author Unknown

TTFN

Lorna

The Fine Art of Giving and Receiving

2011-06-27T21:10:00.003-06:00

There is a dance that often happens when people have a crisis, especially a health crisis, chronic disease and/or end of life issues. Family and friends want to help but don't know how. Patients/caregivers don't want to intrude on others and ask for help. So what happens?

We end up with Givers and Receivers. It is a dance of needs, wants and offers. A dance that often sees Givers waltzing while Receivers tango. It is so hard to get the rhythm in sync! We are often left with families struggling to keep a handle on the ever changing needs of dealing with new and ongoing care issues. The Givers often say "Just call me anytime." "Let me know what you need" "I'm here for you". "You know you just have to ask." The Receivers spend most of the day making decisions on medication, organizing appointments, scheduling visitors, looking for cues from the patient to say whether to call an ambulance, the doctor, nurse, or just wait until tomorrow and see how it goes. Receiver/caregivers need to figure out what their loved one can eat that day, are they well enough to go out, or have a conversation. Receivers can often have trouble keeping track of the days of the week or the time of day. There is seldom time or energy to figure out what they need, who might be able to help, find a phone number, and then remember to call.

It's not that most Givers are insincere. Sure, there are some people who make offers of help but really don't mean it. But I believe most Givers really do want to help. What they are looking for is direction from the Receiver. And most times the Receiver just manages to get through the day. There is nothing left over to figure out what their current need is, let alone anticipate a future need. And the out of sync dance continues.

I have been trying to find a way to get this dance in sync. Recently I very quickly found I needed help. It was time to become a Receiver on a more full time basis. One thing I did was start an online community on Lotsa Helping Hands website. It helps to organize needs on a daily, weekly or monthly basis. There is space to organize emergency contacts, health information, and it is easy to send information in one broadcast email. With this set up, people can SEE what help is needed and sign up for it.

Something else that helps is if a Giver makes a specific offer ie. "I can do your gardening, does Wednesday work for you?". A Receiver will seldom ask for something. Maybe they will ask some family and very close friends. But it is unusual. If you love cleaning, offer to come and clean. It is very important to not be too general. Even the question "What can I do to help" can be too overwhelming - another "demand" the person/caregiver has to deal with.

It can be equally difficult for Givers to know how to help. Recently the LIVESTRONG Facebook page asked people what helped them when they or a family member was going through treatment. I have made a list that includes many of these ideas, plus some of my own. I will continue to look for suggestions and post them when I can. I recently read on another blog that what the caregiver needed was a maid who can cook - that pretty much sums it up!!

Please keep in mind who your Receiver is. These suggestions won't be for everyone. Personalities are different, treatment affects everyone different, some people have more financial resources than others, some have more family and friends to help than others do.

So....here it is! A list of suggested ways to help, some specific suggestions for people who live out of town, and some suggested visiting etiquette. I hope it helps both Givers and Receivers. Feel free to send me other suggestions to add to the list.

GIVERS

Things to do/send to friends who are ill and their caregivers:

Ø Wear the LIVESTRONG yellow bracelet for them.

Ø Talk to them normally, in a positive way.

Ø Stay strong for those you love. Life is short...tell them how you feel and what they mean to you. You may not have another opportunity. Real friends are forever.

Ø Prepare meals for the family because they'll lack the time to do it themselves

Ø Lawn care

Ø Support the caregivers nearby so they don't run themselves down and abandon their own lives.

Ø Monthly themed care package. Something for the whole family to enjoy, if possible.

Ø A good book

Ø A special blanket

Ø Homemade cookies

Ø Funny cards to make them smile.

Ø Crafts

Ø Remember pets each month

Ø Movie night box, including a DVD, popcorn and candy.

Ø Funny videos

Ø Hire a housekeeper for them

Ø Arrange meal deliveries

Ø Send or take reading material. Tailor this to the person, sometimes there is too much fatigue and “chemo brain” for long novels.

Ø Send or take crossword puzzle books

Ø Send a special card

Ø Send a special poem, verse or short stories

Ø Gift Cards: i.e. Gas cards, restaurant gift cards, online shopping, massage, music (iTunes), Starbucks, Tim Hortons, food/grocery delivery

Ø Set up a 3ring binder w takeout menus

Ø Send a card each week, with some kind of inspiring quote or a funny saying

Ø Care packages,

Ø Money,

Ø Paying for a nice camera or a set of family portraits,

Ø Visit, - bring coffee/drinks/snack

Ø Provide gardening services,

Ø Joke gifts or other funny items that will lighten the mood,

Ø Be a non-judgmental ear for them so they can talk or vent without having one more person tell them what they HAVE to do or that all their personal/health care decisions have been wrong

Ø Text a joke a day

Ø Ask what food they can keep down and provides comfort and send a goodie basket of that food, some other tokens of comfort like a stuffed animal, a t-shirt, and a photo.

Ø CD's of guided imagery,

Ø Cozy cotton pajamas,

Ø Funny cards,

Ø Stamps/small easy craft projects...

Ø A lot of local grocery stores have delivery directly to your kitchen table, usually a 5.00 fee, the services usually can be ordered online and paid for with a credit or debit card :)

Ø Unexpected care packages are great!

Ø Send flowers,

Additional Things To Do or Send If You Are Not Near:

Ø Send a joke by email,

Ø Send pictures by email, snail mail, or on Facebook

Ø Use Skype to visit.

Ø Use FB and all the other technology out there to share pictures and funny video of kids, family or pets to entertain and lighten the mood.

Ø Be a "virtual" shoulder to cry on by email, SKYPE, phone, text.

Ø Send a note by snail mail. . Seeing your words of hope on paper will give them something to look at when they are feeling down If you send it in a funny card or a card with messages if strength even better.

Ø Send reading material,

Ø Send them a magazine subscription

VISITING ETIQUETTE

Ø Keep visits short. Leave before the person is tired.

Ø Ask how they are feeling and let them lead the conversation if they want to talk about their health and issues related to that.

Ø Bring your own refreshments, and maybe a treat to be shared.

Ø Be respectful of other visitors. When someone arrives when you are visiting, it might be a cue to finish your visit.

Ø Remember that just because someone LOOKS and ACTS like they are fine, they are still sick INSIDE. Don’t be fooled that they are BETTER!

Ø If you are staying for a few hours, when someone else comes, it is good time to go for a walk, go shopping, go have a nap etc. It is overwhelming for the person who is ill to have too many people around.

Ø Give time for family (and family give time to other family) to have individual time to visit. This is especially important in end of life care. The person who is dying usually needs time to visit individually with family members.

Ø If there are many out of town family/friends who want to visit with each other, arrange that visit somewhere besides the sick person’s place. Too many conversations can be overwhelming.

Ø Remember the caregiver has many of the same needs as the person who is sick.

Ø Keep in mind that there are numerous other demands on the sick person and caregiver: doctor visits, home care, nursing visits, blood tests, treatments, medication schedules, insurance forms, updating friends and family, etc. While it might seem that they are “at home all day”, it can be full of activities that are quite tiring.

Ø If the family has set up a way to schedule visits, use that system as much as possible.

RECEIVERS

Ø    Set up an email group to keep friends and family up to date with things
Ø    Start a blog to share your thoughts, feelings, and share information.
Ø    Make a “Wish List” of things that might help – Amazon has a place to do this where people can check and send/do something they know can help. Keep it up to date.
Ø    Another method of communication between you and those interested in how are you doing is using a website like Caring Bridge, an excellent, compassionate network site. Here's your link: http://www.caringbridge.org/.
Ø    The website www.lotsahelpinghands.com is a great website for scheduling and organizing help like meal drop off, visits, transportation, household needs etc.
Ø    Be thankful for all that is done for you!

“Dancing is just a conversation between two people. Talk to me.”

Hope Floats (1998) – Justin Matisse (Harry Connick Jr.)

TTFN
Lorna

and again....

2011-06-23T23:10:00.000-06:00

We had another trip to the ER today for a bleeding stoma. Once again we were told there is nothing they can do to fix it. I know that sounds frustrating, but it is true. With the amount he has been bleeding it is too dangerous to do any surgery because they would expect a massive bleed. The good news is that the bleeding stopped on its own today. They did not need to stitch it at all. The other good news is that is bloodwork was great today – the transfusion worked well. I am sure the bleeding today took care of some of it, but at least he had good levels today before the bleed. He will have it checked again on Monday, unless we have more problems before then.

We were able to return home, and told that when it bleeds again to put pressure on it for 1 hour, and if it is still bleeding to then go to the hospital. He was taken off the tinzaperin – the blood thinner – and the surgeon says that will make a big difference. It is a hard thing to make that decision, but he is in more danger of problems from bleeding than with problems from clotting. Just the best of 2 bad choices.

We are now working on getting him caught up on pain meds. He missed some because he couldn’t take anything until we knew for sure he wouldn’t go to the OR. So he has been sleeping quite a bit from the extra meds. We also are watching for dehydration as he is sleeping and not eating or drinking very much.

We meet with the Palliative Care nurses, (and I think doctor) Friday morning to see where we go from here. I hope after that we have a better understanding of what this all means in the big picture.

"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day, saying,"I will try again tomorrow." - Mary Anne Radmacher

TTFN
Lorna

And on we go....

2011-06-22T21:43:00.000-06:00

Another week full of excitement already!

We were back at Emerg on Tuesday afternoon with a bleeding stoma. A doctor came to see him right away and we had excellent care. It was great to go during the day as there was a surgeon at the hospital so the ER doc called the surgeon to the ER to help get the bleeding controlled. He put in some more stitches (in the ER with local anesthetic) and things are fine for the time being.

I spoke with our family doctor this morning to try and better understand what is going on. The doc said it is portal hypertension, which means there is high blood pressure in the portal vein, which is causing the bleeding. There is so much pressure that the vein acts like an artery and that is why there is so much bleeding so fast. It is sounding like there is nothing they can do about it. They will just keep stitching and tying off the vein when it starts to bleed uncontrollably. The most likely cause is a tumour in the liver putting pressure on the vein. It is possible, although unlikely, that it is a blood clot causing pressure (according to my Dr. Google research).

We spoke to the palliative care consultant who suggested to increase the stool softener and laxative to try and soften up the stool even more, and hopefully take some of that pressure off the vein. I have also sent past CT reports and doctor's notes to the palliative care doctor for her to review. They are all to meet tomorrow and hopefully have some answers to how serious this is, how it relates to the big picture, and what we should be prepared for now. They may order some tests to see if they can confirm the cause of the venous pressure. I hope to hear tomorrow and have some answers, although I am sure I will also end up with more questions!

Callum had another transfusion of 2 units today. It was basically uneventful. Thank goodness that appointment was already in place!

It is difficult to not have a fair bit of worry and fear right now. We are in constant worry that the stoma will start bleeding again. We don't know if we should stop the "blood thinner" - it might help keep the bleeding a bit more controlled, but then there is the risk of blood clots causing trouble. We are preparing for the possibility that we will hear some difficult information in the next few days. We still are hoping for some tests and an easy to fix the problem, though! We can't lose hope after all this time!

He is still sleeping quite a bit, even with the transfusions. I hope it passes in the next few days, but I am suspecting we are starting to see things progress. It is so sad - he doesn't deserve this. We don't deserve this. But.....we are not the only ones in such a situation and we have had many wonderful times - with more yet to come.

As Callum would say "Play it where it lies"!

TTFN

Lorna

Pride and Humility

2011-06-20T14:54:00.000-06:00

For a long time I have marvelled at how often we have two opposite feelings at the same time. The first time I remember dealing with this close up was when I worked at the women's shelter in Brandon. When working with the children in shelter I used a book called "Double-dip Feelngs". It talked about different times children have to go through opposite feelings at the same time: happy to move to a new house and get your own room, but sad to leave all their friends; excited to start school but afraid of leaving mom; etc.

Going through a cancer journey leads to dealing with contradictions like this all the time. From the toxic effects of chemotherapy in order to treat the disease, but wishing for healthy days, to wanting test results quickly - but knowing that it is usually bad news if you hear too quickly.

I have recently experienced something similar, although the opposite feelings come from different experiences.

Pride: a feeling of pleasure and satisfaction thatyou get when you, or someone connected with you, haveachieved something special (MacMillan Dictionary).
I have felt an extreme amount of pride in our children in the last month. They are very different children with very different personalities, and therefore, different accomplishments. However, we are equally proud of them.

Vanessa is now a full fledged Chartered Accountant. She has been relentlessly dedicated in the pursuit of this goal, and she achieved it in May. She also was the successful candidate to join the finance department at the City of Medicine Hat. Her goal has been to find employment which gave her a balance of family life, work life, and financial stability. And I believe she has found it. We are so proud of her hard work and dedication to family.

Jamie's first love has always been golf. He has been a top notch amateur golfer and last fall set a goal to win the Victoria Day Tournament in Medicine Hat. He practiced and practiced and it paid off with a win! Up to this time Jamie had won 2 of the 3 major golf tournaments in Medicine Hat, and he wanted to win this one for his Dad. It was thrilling for us to watch him birdie the playoff hole for the win. We are so proud of his hard work and dedication to his goal, and his family.

Humility - a way of behaving that shows that shows you do not think you are better or more important than other people.

I am not sure I truly like that definition of humility, but I think you will get what I am trying to say. We have been through this cancer journey for nearly 6 years. We have had many ups and downs, good days, bad days, unexpected trials and successes. We have had help from many people over this time, but last week was the first time that I just couldn't do everything that needed to be done. Even as I write this, I have a dishwasher full of clean dishes, a sink full of dirty ones, counters that need wiped, etc. I will get to it later today. This has happened before, but not really much since I have not been working and doing these things at the same time. I have been humbled, and will actively seek out more help. I didn't understand the advice of making things as easy as possible so you have the energy for the good times and fun stuff. I now have a better idea what that means. We are so lucky to have so many people here to help us. I am getting less hesitant about taking people up on their offers!

If anyone reading this is in a similar situation, I have found an on line resource to help coordinate the help from people. It looks quite neat and I have started using it. Check out https://www.lotsahelpinghands.com/create/ and see what you think!

If you would like to help us out, please copy and paste this link in your browser:
https://www.lotsahelpinghands.com/c/643145/

You will need to sign up and register in order to help, but there is no cost and no risk.
"Giving is the secret of a healthy life. Not necessarily money, but whatever a person has of encouragement, sympathy and understanding." John D. Rockefeller

TTFN

The Continuing Capers of Callum

2011-06-16T17:49:00.000-06:00

Oh my, its been a long, long time since I've written! We have been back and forth from Saskatoon and enjoying Medicine Hat. We have enjoyed birthday parties, sunshine, the Porsche and ice cream. Ooooohhh....the ice cream was good!

After a few weeks of a somewhat regular life, we were thrust back into the medical system this past weekend. Callum's ostomy stoma started bleeding Saturday night so we headed to the ER. They managed to stop the bleeding and used some surgiseal to try and seal the source of the bleeding. Surgiseal is the stuff they use during surgery to stop "bleeders" and it is made of material that dissolves and is absorbed into the body. It seemed to work and he had a pretty good day Sunday.

As were getting ready for bed Sunday night he started bleeding again. In less than 5 minutes there was over 1-2 cups of blood but Callum did get some pressure on it to hold off the bleeding. I called the ambulance as the blood loss was significant in such a short time. He lost nearly 3 cups Sat. night and this bleed was also heavy. We were at the hospital until 4 am. The problem was a floppy blood vessel, an artery, that kept bleeding. The doctor tried to cauterize the blood vessel but couldn't stop the bleeding long enough to do it. So, he stitched, and he stitched, and they soaked up blood, and he stitched, and they soaked up blood, and he stitched....well, you get the idea! If this didn't work and he started bleeding again he would be heading into the OR to fix it once and for all.

With the amount of blood loss he experienced he did have his hemoglobin checked Monday. He was down to 73 (normal is 135 - 180). Transfusions are generally recommended when the hemoglobin is below 80, so he was scheduled for 2 units of blood on Tuesday and 2 more units on Wednesday. The transfusions were quite uneventful - just 6 hours a day at the hospital.

His blood was checked today and the hemoglobin was up to 108, which it quite acceptable. The doc says we will go by the symptoms, and if he is tired over the weekend then he might have another transfusion next week. His platelets were quite low (53, normal is 150 - 400) which is likely from having such a large amount of blood in the transfusions. He will have his blood tested Monday or Tuesday next week. We are sure he will be back to normal by then!

It has been quite a week with being at the hospital 6 days in a row, 2 of them late at night. We are both quite tired from those late nights and early mornings - the transfusions started at 8 am. It was a scary sight to see the blood loss. While we have had a good outcome, it is a serious thing to go through. We haven't heard what might have caused a floppy blood vessel - I think it just happens. The doctor likened it to a hemmorhoid. It appears to have little connection to the cancer, although I think the blood vessels do weaken both from chemotherapy and from the cancer itself. So perhaps there is some relationship, who knows. And it doesn't matter. We just need to make sure it doesn't happen again.

We will spend the next couple of days resting up from the busyness of the last week. It's been quite a while since we have had that much excitement! In the past I seem to remember having a lot more fun when Callum and I were out all night!

I see many of you have been checking the blog, and I do apologize for not writing sooner. My energy levels and concentration ebb and flow these days, and sometimes I just don't get to writing.

Thank you for your concern and dedication to checking the blog - much appreciated!!!

"Just for today, no matter where I am going, or what I am doing, or who I am doing it with, it is my intention to focus on the positive." Lucy MacDonald

TTFN
Lorna

What makes a doctor special?

2011-04-29T21:35:00.000-06:00

PART ONE
Well, we are getting adjusted to the new routine - which is mainly less appointments! Callum still has issues with leg pain, but we have tried some new things and it seems to be a bit better. He still gets sleepy now and then, but the med he has started using for pain is a steroid and helps with his appetite. It also usually helps him have a bit more energy. However, he doesn't get out often, and does have limited stamina to be out for too long. He had a few good days this week, with only a few bouts of nausea. Overall he is doing pretty good. We will be going to watch Stu kickbox Sat night - we hope to be the lucky charms and see him win!

We have been able to enjoy being with family and friends - we are so lucky to have so many people care about and support us.! Here are some recent pictures:

As you can see, Cade gives us a laugh every now and then!

After some support from a psychiatrist, I finally received approval for short term disability from end January to May 20. They will assess for long term disability based on my next appointment with the psychiatrist. It is nice to not have to worry about that for now!

PART TWO
We would never be where we are without the help of some world class doctors. Yes, Callum has been very determined and positive - and that has made an incredible difference! But we need to credit the doctors who have helped along the way. I can't say enough good things about the oncologist we have had for the last 1 1/2 years. He was compassionate, honest, patient (even with me!), complimentary, has a sense of humour, extremely knowledgeable, and able to calm me down (no easy feat!). I will deeply miss the visits with him, and the regular support he has given both of us. He has offered to answer any questions or be of help if needed, but we no longer can look forward to regular visits. Perhaps I am going into withdrawal!! Next week would have been our regular visit week....but not to be. I am not sure I know why I feel such a strong connection to him, but I think I know. He had taken over Callum's file in Dec 2009 and we had only one visit with him before Callum was hospitalized with sepsis. Our second meeting was our first emotional meeting - "he is very sick and will be here a few days" followed by "do you know if he wants help with breathing" and "as long as its reversible, right?". What a conversation to have with someone you hardly know. I literally put Callum's life in his hands. Maybe that is it it, he helped give Callum at least 15 more months since then. He was so respectful with me and helped me understand the honest, (and scary) facts, our choices, and supported and respected my decision. He answered all my questions, and politely would tell me when I asked something he couldn't answer. And that is how it has been for over a year. We could go to our appointments, and I could be worried, angry, sad - it didn't matter - and he always, and I mean always, would tell us what he honestly thought, what the plan would be, and I always left feeling so much better. Well, except for our very last appointment. It was hard to leave that appt feeling good - but it wasn't his fault. In fact, he was very human, and nearly apologetic that he couldn't do more for Callum. Yes, I will miss him. Very much.

The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention... A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words. Rachel Naomi Remen
TTFN

What Cancer Cannot Do

2011-04-12T21:05:00.000-06:00

At the doctor's visit last week we found out the cancer in Callum's lungs has grown. There is a small spot on the liver that is suspected to be cancer, but not confirmed. What this means is that he will no longer have treatment. There are no further drugs to try and no clinical trials for which he is eligible.

We are doing OK - pretty much, anyway. The doctor would not give any prognosis or estimate life expectancy at this point. He only said that with not having the side effects from chemo, and with the cancer currently growing fairly slow that he might be able enjoy spring and summer.

I am not quite ready to write much more than this right now - but I do have a video to share. I hope you like it. Feel free to share the video if you like - it is also on YouTube and my Facebook page.

TTFN

Still Waiting

2011-04-03T10:37:00.002-06:00

We have a couple of special important days coming up.

Important Day #1

On April 5 we see the oncologist for the results of the CT scan. I tried to get them over the phone but was told the Dr. won't release them over the phone. That is the first time we haven't been given results by phone so we are expecting that it won't be great news. We can continue to be hopeful and optimistic, but must also be realistic. I will update the blog later this week once we have the news.

Now would be a great time for a huge flood of positive thoughts!!!

Important day #2

On April 4 I move from one decade to the next. The big "50"! I can remember when only old people turned 50 - how did we all become so young at 50? It has been quite the fun times over the past 50 years. There have certainly been some very sad times, some troublesome times, and some anxious moments. But we have always tried to keep some fun in there somewhere. I think I am almost old enough now to know that I really "don't know it all", and likely never will.

I have the learned the power of love and hope. And I have learned that the power of love comes in all ways - and sometimes most of all through the pain of having to renew it again. But love will win in the end.

I have learned (and really try hard to practice!) to not judge anyone - even if you have walked a mile in their shoes.

I have learned that giving people a hand up can sometimes help more than a hand out. That most people want to be successful but sometimes just lack the tools and knowledge to get there. And sometimes people are extremely happy with their lives, even though we might not be if it were us - and that is OK.

I have learned that most parents want to be good parents - they just don't know how. It is pure joy to see a mom try something new with baby and see it work. Smiles on both mom and babe light up a room!

Everyone has strengths - look for them, nurture them, grow them - in you, and in others.

I have learned the importance of being honest, doing a good job, and working hard. Compassion and understanding go a long way.

I have learned that it is important to find out who you are, what are your values, and then matching these to all your activities - work, volunteer, hobbies, friendships.

When you have lost your strength - don't be afraid to ask for help, from family, friends, medical professionals, and from whatever you use for faith.

I am still learning the power of patience - and that learning is a life long process. Enjoy it!

I have learned that what you have now won't last forever. Not the couch, the computer, the flowers, your clothes. And that special people in your life leave this world far too early.

I have learned how quickly things can change in a minute. I have learned the positive side of being stubborn, determined, persistent, and perhaps, even obstinate.

I have learned that no matter what are your troubles, everyone has troubles. They are not to be measured against each other - the biggest challenge in someone's life is still their biggest challenge. Honour it.

I have learned that being kind, even to the nastiest person, is still better than being nasty. I don't believe anyone really feels better when they act nasty.

I have learned that family can move about and be miles away from each other, but are always there when you need them.

I have learned that if you keep your eyes and ears open you will find opportunities you never thought existed. Sometimes you need to close you mouth so you can see and hear them.

I have learned that yes, you can love someone even more tomorrow. And that you can pack in 50-60 years of loving in 30 years.

My 50th birthday wish is that you take time to tell those special people you love them and miss them. Pick up the phone or email a friend or family who you have not spoken with for a while. Take time for yourself. Cherish and be grateful for all the wonderful, beautiful things you have in your life.

"Dream as if you’ll live forever.
Live as though you’ll die tomorrow"~ James Dean

TTFN

Neuro News

2011-03-27T17:56:00.000-06:00

We had a great appointment with Dr. F., the neurosurgeon, on Thursday. It was a follow up appointment from surgery. Dr. F. showed us the brain CT scan from before the surgery and the brain CT from this past Wednesday. It was amazing to see the difference! The swelling from before the surgery pushed the brain around a bit and filled in lots of spaces. The most recent CT scan shows a return to a normal size. It was incredibly emotional for me to see such a difference - the first time in over 2 1/2 years to see a cancer free brain!!

Now we just wait for the CT results of the chest, abdomen and pelvis. I am not sure if we will have the results before our April 5 appt with Dr. H., but will blog when we have news. We can only hope for the same good news. We know that realistically there is always a possibility the news won't be as great, but we have to continue to hope that Callum will once again beat the odds!

Here is a picture of Callum with his planning "cheerios" on his head before the Jan. 26 surgery:

Please continue with all the positive thoughts and prayers!

"Life is an opportunity, benefit from it. Life is beauty, admire it. Life is bliss, taste it. Life is a dream, realize it. Life is a challenge, meet it.  Life is a game, play it. Life is a promise, fulfill it. Life is sorrow, overcome it. Life is a song, sing it. Life is an adventure, dare it. Life is luck, make it. Life is too precious, do not destroy it. Life is life, fight for it!" Mother Teresa

TTFN

Jumping through hoops

2011-03-24T18:13:00.000-06:00

One of the things that can be frustrating when dealing with cancer in your household is finding support for the caregiver. While I have the full support of my doctor and my employer to take a sick leave, the insurance company does not consider me "disabled" so have declined my application for short term disability. I have already agreed to a diagnosis of depression, treated with medication and a referral to a counsellor at the mental health services. So....hoop 1 and 2 done.

I talked with the intake worker at mental health yesterday - and she surprised me. I totally felt supported and understood. She very lightly questioned the depression diagnosis and suggested that my main issues really are about grief and loss, and the end of life issues with Callum. She absolutely believes I should not be working, but that I am also a very capable person. It was a great 15 minute conversation!

Anyway, she took the day to sort out what would best meet my needs, and was going to try to get me into to see a psychiatrist fairly quickly. She said she knew a couple that were very supportive of people in my situation, and who also had a lot of clout with insurance companies. Hoop #3 just presented itself.

I am sure hoping that they know all the right words and write nice insurance friendly letters!

I did have a message from her today with an appointment for next week, which I am trying to change as we are in Medicine Hat for the week.

I can't imagine what this kind of thing can be like for those who are not as strong, or have the experience in dealing with these issues. I have spent a lot of my working life having to be creative and advocate for people, so I know I am capable of keeping at this until the decision is reversed.

In the meantime I applied for Compassionate Care benefits from Employment Insurance - they were approved very quickly. It is amazing at how easy it was. Thank you Government of Canada!!

If you know anyone who might benefit from my experiences in this realm, please let me know - I would be most happy to try and help lessen the burden for someone.

"If at first you don't succeed, get a bigger hammer." Alan Lewis

TTFN

appointments, appointments, appointments

2011-03-22T22:28:00.001-06:00

This is another one of our busy weeks. It seems that if it weren't for doctor appointments we might never get out! Or maybe it at least explains why we enjoy so much the comfort of staying home!

Today started with a trip to the lab to have blood drawn and a visit from the home care nurse just before lunch. Things seem to be fine. We didn't hear anything about the blood results so that should mean everything's a go for chemo! The nurse gave some suggestions on something to ask the Dr about that might help with mouth sores.

After lunch was a visit to the family Dr. for some prescription refills which also included increasing the dose for the long acting pain med (hydromorph contin). We sure hope he gets some better relief from the pain now.

Callum was tired today with all this activity. And we have tomorrow to get through yet!

Wednesday starts early - 8 am - for chemo. In the afternoon we need to be at the hospital at 2 for a CT scan at 3 pm. It will be another long day for him, although he might catch a nap at chemo! I am always a bit anxious before the tests, even when we don't find out anything that day! Based on our previous experiences, if the news is "good", we likely won't hear anything for about a week. If the news is not so good, we kind of expect a phone call by the end of the week. I think we are both a bit nervous this time round.

Thursday morning we see the neurosurgeon for follow up from the surgery. We believe there have been no issues so I am sure it will be a quick appointment!

Callum is feeling tired more often these days. I am really hoping that the pain meds will help him feel better and get some energy back - pain is so debilitating. His leg can get quite sore, and the mouth soresI think I might have to come to the realization that his good days now look different than they did before. Up until now I thought that if the pain could just get managed properly that he will have energy and be able to get out and about. Perhaps it will not be like it was before. He thinks he has lost a bit more weight and he is starting to look thinner. It can be worrisome. However, he remains positive, and will not give up - no matter what! As long as the doctors believe there is good reason to continue with treatment, he will do so. He has amazing drive, determination and commitment to beating this wretched disease!

If we get good news on the CT scan we will be asking about moving treatment to Medicine Hat. There may be a couple of hoops to jump through, but it would be worth it to have to have him travel so often.

And on goes the week - we'll head to Medicine Hat either Thursday or Friday, depending on weather, road conditions, and whether we have any short notice dr. appointments.

"If the essence of my being has caused a smile to have appeared upon your face or a touch of joy wtihin your heart, then in living I have made my mark." Thomas L. Odem Jr.

TTFN
Lorna

Update is overdue!

2011-03-15T21:00:00.000-06:00

WOW! I started this update 10 days ago!! I hope to have it finished tonight! Yikes!

I sure didn't realize I hadn't updated the blog since before Callum's surgery! Ikes! So many things have happened since then - I will try and make it short....but don't count on it!

On January 14th Callum turned 50. What a great party he had! We had over 70 people attend the party -a testament to show he is a very popular and respected man. Desert Blume Golf Course did an awesome job of the tea and dinner - if you need conference, meeting or banquet space in Medicine Hat, check them out!

With the recent news of the disease progression it was quite an emotional day. We kept it upbeat and positive - it was truly to be a celebration! Callum had an idea that there would be some family travel to have a birthday dinner, but he was surprised about the afternoon party. We are both so lucky to have so many family and friends who took time out of their busy lives to help us party!

Sorry I don't have pictures yet. We had a photographer taking pictures so I could enjoy the party. I will post some as soon as we get them!

The weekend after the birthday we headed to Calgary to see Vanessa get recognized at the graduation for the new Chartered Accountants in southern Alberta. We are so proud of her and Callum was more than thrilled that he was able to attend. Callum's parents also joined us and that was very special for all of us.

January was certainly a busy month! After New Year's, birthday party and the CA Ball we went home and prepared for the upcoming surgery. It was so nice to have a lot of celebrating to keep our minds off such a serious matter.

The surgery went really well. Callum had his scheduled surgery to remove the tumour in the right cellebullum at just after 8 am and about 3 hours later Dr. Fourney came and told us that the surgery went quite well. Unexpectedly, at least to us, the tumour was not as big as they had thought. Some of the tissue that enhanced on the CT scan was scar tissue from the radiation treatments. The tumour was about the size of a golf ball - considered to be large according to the surgeon. They were able to get all of it and that as far as the Dr was concerned at this time, the disease is stable in the brain. The battle with the disease will now be systemic – which means the danger now lies in the lungs and bones. Dr. Fourney said there would likely be no more than a 10% chance that there will be recurrence in the same area, and unlikely, although not impossible, that there will be new lesions develop in the brain.

He did have a platelet transfusion as there was some concern with him not clotting and this could cause problems. But, like all other things he has encountered, he took it like man (wouldn’t he just love me saying that! Ha ha) and has had no problem with it.

There are few words to describe the great feelings we had when we heard how well the surgery went. Both of us have a great sense of relief. We know the ups and downs of this disease and treatment. And more than the surgery itself, we both feared there was something worse they would find, and we would have a far different outcome. Again, one of those weird times when we are ecstatic about the outcome – weird to happy for a regular old brain tumour!

Callum was released from hospital about 48 hours after he was out of surgery! He had a pretty speedy recovery and had the 23 staples removed 2 weeks later. He started chemo on Feb. 9 - 2 weeks after surgery! He had a chance to delay it but wants to keep at this thing as aggressively as possible. We hope at the very least that it will at least help slow the progression of the disease.

He has been handling the chemo side effects pretty well. He has few days where he is quite tired and seems to have increased pain the leg - but meds seem to help him get through it. He will have a CT scan of head, chest, abdomen and pelvis on March 23. We should know shortly after that if the chemo is still effective or if there is disease progression.

I on currently on sick leave until at least April 15. I am so lucky to have such an understanding board of directors and doctor. We are spending most of our time in Medicine Hat so we can be closer to family and enjoy time with Cade more often. Callum and Cade have a very special relationship - it is a joy to watch.

I am sure I have missed a few things here and there....but basically we are at status quo for now. Chemo until it doesn't work or the side effects are too hard on Callum. The March 23 CT scan should give us some information.

I will endeavour to update more often!!

He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has. ~Epictetus
TTFN
Lorna

Hurricane Season Has Started

2011-01-08T19:54:00.002-06:00

The storm slowly built momentum. A few currents here and there, the wild winds slowly building up speed. At times it was calm. So calm that you could forget the storm was brewing.

Then it hit. And it was mighty. Slam! Just like a brick wall. Even when you know it is coming and you prepare, it seems to always be a surprise how quickly and strong the storm can be.

Hurricane C slammed into our life on Tuesday, Jan. 4.

Callum had his CT scan that morning and we found out in the afternoon that the cancer has progressed in both the lungs and the brain.

On Thursday we met with the neurosurgeon in the morning and Cal decided to have surgery (in Saskatoon) to have the tumour removed. It has grown 30 - 40% since Oct. Surgery will be sometime around the end of January. Without surgery life expectancy is about 2 - 3 months and would be preceded by some disability and likely coma. Surgery gives the best opportunity for a few more weeks - hopefully 3- 5 months.

We met with the oncologist in the afternoon. He was really hesitant to commit to whether or not there had been real progression in the lungs. The new spots in the lungs are so tiny they possibly have been there all along and were just missed in the slices of the CT scans. He doesn't want us to abandon chemo too early or take a chance that it is still working and quit too early, so Cal had chemo today. Since he has to be off chemo before surgery, he won't have any more until after surgery. They will then do another CT scan and if nothing has changed, he will resume chemo. If there is progression, there will be no more treatment. The chemo won't give him a lot more time, but, along with the surgery, it does give hope for more time. Of course, with the rapid growth of the brain tumour anything can happen any day - so we hope he manages until the scheduled surgery, and we have no emergency trips! We don’t yet have a surgery date – hopefully we will find out soon.

We have 2 of the best doctors fighting this fight with us. Neither of them could offer years of stable disease, but both believe that Callum deserves as much time as they can give him. We had an interesting discussion in the afternoon with Dr. H. Callum is determined to do whatever he can to extend his life. No surprise, really. I know that I, and our family, want to be sure we have some quality time for what they tell us will be our final months together. I knew we would have to have that discussion at some point and really wasn't looking forward to it! I can't ask Callum to quit or give up. I just want to give him the chance to spend as much quality time as he can with the people he wants to be with. All in all, I am happy with the decision made. We will have a better idea after surgery whether there is true progression in the lungs.

I will be wrapping things up at work in the next couple of days and have applied for a 3 month leave for now – of course I will request to extend it depending on the situation in April.

Of course we will have our “moments” as time goes on. After the phone call on Tuesday afternoon we really were afraid there might be no more options, so were quite thrilled to hear that there is something more to do to extend the time we have. In fact, we even went out for supper to celebrate that there are options! It might seem a bit quirky to celebrate brain surgery and chemo, but that is our world right now.

We know we have some tough times ahead, but we have some celebrating to do before we worry too much about that! Jan. 14 is Cal’s 50th Birthday and we couldn’t be happier to celebrate with him. The kids are taking us out for supper Friday night and I am sure we will have time with our Medicine Hat family sometime on the weekend. There have been a few occasions where we wondered if we would be able to celebrate that milestone birthday. On the 22nd we will be in Calgary as Vanessa gets presented as a grad of the Chartered Accountant School at the black tie CA ball. Too many good things to look forward to!

After we made phone calls to our family to let them know, I have been wondering how many are wondering why we sound so calm and perhaps not distressed. We have known for nearly 3 years that this day would come. And after every CT scan and MRI for the last 2 years we knew we were lucky to have the disease stable for so long. Callum often says that we have been very lucky to have the amount of time we have had - he was not expected to live past summer 2009.

He is in tough this time, though. Perhaps he will beat the odds again and we will have him around for more than a few months. The doctors were pretty clear - time is limited, there is a small window. But they will go to the end of the earth to make that time as long as it can be. But as Dr H put it last June - at some point their hands are tied and the disease will do whatever it wants.

With unwavering determination Callum continues the fight. His tenacity, stubborness, perseverance, courage and commitment to beat this disease has not changed. He just expects it to be different than what they say! We continue to carry on and face whatever is in our future.

"To make our way, we must have firm resolve, persistence, tenacity. We must gear ourselves to work hard all the way. We can never let up. "
Ralph Bunche

Doctor and God

2011-01-03T22:17:00.000-06:00

We had quite an interesting visit with the doctor today. Do you know the joke about what is the difference between God and doctors? God doesn't think he's a doctor! Well, Dr. H. doesn't fit the mold. He told us today he is an oncologist, not God - he also told us he isn't a barbarian! Well, one thing for sure, he is a great doctor. I had a ton of questions as we have had a bit of a tough month. The biggest challenge has been pain management and some days feeling generally unwell. But, of course, there are many issues when it comes to pain management and this disease, so we weren't sure exactly what problem was causing which issue!

Callum has had increasing pain in his leg/knee over the last month. He has had to have the pain medication increased twice, although we need to keep in mind that we were behind the pain management to start with, so this may just be a logical path and is now close to caught up.

We spent the last 2 weeks in December in Medicine Hat with Vanessa and Stu. These two weeks Callum experienced a great deal of pain, some nausea and a lack of appetite most evenings. He tried so hard to eat at supper time, but last week just had to leave the table as he couldn't even look at the food. He had been taking some short term pain meds for breakthrough pain, but he started taking quite a bit again so he increased the long acting pain med on the weekend and has had a couple of pretty good days. He even made it downstairs to watch the World Junior games! And best of all....he ate supper tonight. That is the first time in quite a few nights. We are crossing our fingers that he will continue to have better days now. It was starting to get worrisome to see him in such pain and just feeling yucky.

Most of our concerns will be addressed one way or another after the CT scan Tuesday, Jan. 4. If there is disease progression we will go back to see him to see what the next step is, and plan accordingly. If there is no disease progression, he will continue with chemo, and if he needs a bit of a break or is having some difficulty tolerating the chemo, Dr. H. will temporarily (I think) discontinue the strong chemo, but keep him on the other 2 kinds to help keep the disease stable.

We don't know what to expect - Callum has lost weight every month for the last 3 months (nearly 15 pounds total) and this lack of appetite concerns many of us. However, we do contribute some weight loss to the severe mouth sores he had in November and possibly due to the pain meds. Dr. H. said today a little weight loss can be good for Callum's leg - less weight on it when he does weight bear (which is not very often now). We should have test results by the end of the week - then we will have a better idea of what is going on.

We had a great Christmas and loved playing with Cade over the holidays. It was a joyful time, really!

Some pictures - hope you enjoy!

Cade loves his tunnel!

Cade enjoying his snack at his new table!

Groovin' with Grandad's new earphones!

Cade - and Grandad - never tire of story time!

What would Christmas be without the World Junior Hockey?

Need I say anything? Isn't he the cutest!

Boys and their toys....

Our family....

"Spend each moment perfecting the next, not correcting the last." Scott Michael Durski, (20th century).

TTFN

something old, something new...

2010-11-24T21:55:00.000-06:00

Something old - or "same old" anyway. More chemo. Doctors appointments. Chemo crash. Wired on steroids.

Something new - Callum starting having increased pain around his knee about 10 days ago or about then. He was really needing more meds to help control the pain so we went to see the pain specialist. Thankfully he put Callum on a long acting form of Dilaudid, the med he was on before. It seems to really help. They also put him on Gabapentin, which will help with the nerve pain. I made many, many calls to track down the x-ray report - can't believe it took almost 3 weeks for the Cancer Centre to get it - but it did! Anyway, the outcome of that is that there is some scarring and sclerosis at the site of the tumour and radiation treatments. This seems to have disturbed the nerves in the bone - apparently there are quite a number of them! That is what appears to be causing the pain. Between the 2 drugs he has now he should have quite a bit of pain relief within the next week or so - it takes a while for the Gabapentin to fully work.

The nasty thing, though, is that he has another break out of mouth sores. This is the second time in a row that he has had them after chemo. They are quite sore - he hasn't had them like this for a long, long time. We are hoping he gets over them quickly. I am having to try and remember what we did for them before - I have forgotten since he has been so lucky to not have had them!

We are doing OK. We have been lucky enough to have company here and there for the past couple of months. It is so nice to see family and friends and get in those visits. Of course, we had a blast when Vanessa, Stu and Cade were here! Cade is so much fun - he had his first trip out in the snow! He loves being outside!

I reduced my hours at work for November, which really helped me get in lots of visiting! I am taking December off - time to have some recovery time and catch up on a few things around home. Not to mention Christmas preparations! Thanks to Callum's brother our tree is up and so are the decoration in the kitchen. I have a few things to finish off but the tough stuff is done. We are so lucky to have the help.

We just keep marching forward....one day at time. It's been kind of nice having an almost predictable schedule again.

Gratitude takes three forms: a feeling in the heart, and expression in words, and giving in return,

TTFN

It's November!!!!

2010-11-06T20:13:00.000-06:00

Wow! Can't believe it's November already! Where did the time go? After the wonderful news in October that there was really no progression in the disease, and in fact a decrease in the size of one lung tumour, we got on with the regular day to day business of life.

We spent Thanksgiving in Medicine Hat and then stayed the week to have some good Cade time! It was such a joy to be able to spend so much time with him. He is now a little boy and full of personality! Cade had a cold and nicely shared it with me so we spent a lot of time with Kleenex!

Callum must have caught a bug somewhere along the way as he has had a few tired days, but seems to be getting over that. I have noticed him taking a few more pain meds and he has made comments about pain in his leg. It does seem to come and go with the chemo cycle so think it might have something to do with that. Just to check, though, he had an x-ray of his knee on Oct 29. We haven't yet got the results. His blood work has been pretty good but some low hemoglobin this past week led him to a blood transfusion - the first one since July. What a long day for him this past Wednesday - 4 hours of transfusion and about 3 1/2 hours of chemo. He was happy to get home!

Thinking of Cade always perks us up, so I did a slide show of his first year.....check it out!

Three small rules for living a happy life

1. Start each day with a grateful heart.
2. Focus on the positive aspects of every person you encounter.
3. End each day with a grateful heart.
Lucy MacDonald

TTFN

Lorna

Another great day!

2010-10-07T21:42:00.000-06:00

Another great day at the doctor - the brain MRI shows no new growth and the tumour is stable. In fact, the neurosurgeon says he doesn't need to see Cal unless he starts to have symptoms. He will have the oncologist follow the brain met from now on. We were such very happy people, after a week that was filled with many emotions - hope, fear, anxiety, trepidation - and now great joy! We will soak in all this great feeling, because we, like you, never know when it will end.

To live happily is an inward power of the soul.
Aristotle

TTFN

Superheroes come in all forms...

2010-10-05T20:55:00.002-06:00

I turned my head towards him and looked at him straight in the eyes "You amaze me!". There haven't been many times in my life I have been short of words.

Hours earlier I awoke many times, trying to fend off the anxiety of the doctor appointment. They always make me feel uneasy, but this visit we knew we would have the results of the latest CT scan - the first one since the new chemo drug. I tried to tell myself to go to sleep, not worry. And it worked. In short spurts. In the end, 5 am was the last time I would have enjoyed any shut-eye today.

The rain made the start of the day even more anxious - was it a sign? Any chance this was pathetic fallacy?
Off to the Cancer Centre we went. Both of us feeling the weight of the unknown on our shoulders on the inside, yet outwardly keeping positive. The knee was swelling a bit, and the ankle, too. Could we be so lucky to have yet another reprieve?

There are some new doctors at the Cancer Clinic so they have switched around the nurses who work for them. We had to break in a new nurse - M. She took us to her room, reassured us that she had been at the Cancer Centre for 14 years and knew Dr. Haider well. Then she went into the same old thing - blood pressure, temperature, pulse. All were quite satisfactory. Then the CT scan....she looked through the file....she looked at the report to get the summary. Did the fear and anxiety inside show through our positive facade? "There has been a positive response to the chemo. The lesion in the right upper lung has decreased in size and there are no new metasteses." she said. Big sigh. Huge sigh.

It was then that I realized that I was married to a superhero. He just doesn't like to wear tights.

“Become a possibilitarian. No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see possibilities, always see them, for they're always there.” -Norman Vincent Peale

TTFN

A LIVESTRONG Day Event | LIVESTRONG Day 2010 | LIVESTRONG.org

2010-10-01T19:49:00.001-06:00

Remember to Wear Yellow on October 2!!!

A LIVESTRONG Day Event | LIVESTRONG Day 2010 | LIVESTRONG.org

2010-09-30T21:48:00.000-06:00

December 2005

September 2010

Hi folks,

5 years ago at this time we were driving from Red Deer to Medicine Hat trying to sort out the news we just heard: Callum has cancer.

In reflection of that time, I thought it would be interesting to look at some numbers that tell part of the story of the last 5 years (all #’s approx):

53 – doctor visits
82 – chemo treatments
124 – total days of chemo
40 – days of radiation
17 – CT scans
14 – MRI’s
1 – bone scan
2 – Gamma Knife surgeries
1 – echocardiogram
2 – PET/CT scans

1 - PICC line
2 – port insertions
3 – colonoscopies
1 – sigmoidoscopy
2 – cystoscopies
2 – surgeries
3 – biopsies
9 – x-rays
3 – ultrasounds
6 – blood transfusions
Countless blood tests, medications and supplements
----

2- trips to Scotland
5 – anniversaries
1 - trip to Ireland
1 – trip to Dominican Republic
1 – our daughter’s wedding
1 - parents’ 50th Anniversary
1 – parent 80th birthday
1 – birth and 1st birthday of Cade, our Grandson (yeah!!!)
3 – trips to Mexico
1 – Lorna’s hole in one
1 – trip to Las Vegas
10 – concerts – major acts

Countless visits with family and friends!

George Bernard Shaw:
Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

TTFN
Lorna

A LIVESTRONG Day Event | LIVESTRONG Day 2010 | LIVESTRONG.org

2010-09-27T17:41:00.001-06:00

Wear Yellow on October 2!!

A LIVESTRONG Day Event | LIVESTRONG Day 2010 | LIVESTRONG.org

Happy Anniversary to us!

2010-09-23T21:09:00.002-06:00

It has been a such a busy month! I am on the downswing, of sorts, at work. Tomorrow is one of the last major events for a while, and then we just have LIVESTRONG Day next weekend. It will be a bit scaled down as our group is a bit small right at the moment. But we have some good things happening and I know it will be a wonderful day!

Wednesday, the 22nd, was our 31st wedding anniversary. We have spent some time reflecting on 31 years of marriage - what a time we have had! I would hazard to guess there was not really likely one person, other than us, who believed we could do it. As the song says "It goes to show, you never can tell!" Since Callum is on chemo this week, we celebrated on Monday by going to Carver's, our favourite nice dining place in Saskatoon. We had a lot of fun with Jayce (the sommelier) and Trent, our waiter. It pays to be a frequent visitor!

Callum is doing quite fine. We are slowly getting used to the different side effects of the FOLFIRI regimen. It seems to be taking a bit longer for him to get back to "normal". Mostly he is just a bit more tired for a couple of extra days. He just keeps going! His leg is not causing much pain at the moment which is really nice for him. He is able to get out of the house more often - I don't know how he handled staring at the walls inside of our house for so long! His parents were up to visit while I headed out to Emma Lake for a work retreat for art educators. I think it was nice for him to get a break from me, have some time with his parents, and it was good for me to be able to focus on making sure the retreat ran smoothly. Callum has a CT scan (abdomen, chest and pelvis) on Sept 29, and an MRI (brain) on Oct 2. Then an oncologist visit on Oct 5 and a visit to the neurosurgeon on Oct 7. By Thanksgiving we should have a good idea of how things are going and where we go from there. Hopefully it is just more of the same!

We have had a couple of visits from the Palliative Care nurse, but with Callum doing OK right now there isn't much for them to do. I have worked in human services enough to know, though, that it is all about building that relationship, and best to do it before there is a crisis. I know we will be thankful for her visits.

We were disappointed to hear that they have changed around the nurses at the Cancer Centre and our trusted, favourite nurse is now working with the patients of another doctor. Now I have to break in another nurse! I don't understand, sometimes. I know we are not totally unique, but most people who go for treatment do it for a shorter time - not usually 2 1/2 years. I am sure they have to go through this, but it seems so hard when we build up a relationship with someone and then have to start over. And Callum's situation gets so complicated. I am not sure I have enough patience to do this again - I feel sorry for the poor nurse! Hopefully she surprises me and makes me eat my words.

We are having a visit from Callum's brother and his wife for a few days coming up. It will be so nice to have them here, we enjoy having them.

Next week we have another anniversary to acknowledge and celebrate. September 30 will be the 5th anniversary of Callum's diagnosis of cancer. It is a milestone, that's for sure, and one that I am sure will give cause for reflection.

My challenge to you, let me know - what have been your highlights of the last five years? Have you done any random acts of kindness? Have you taken any action in the fight against cancer?

There's your food for thought for the night....

"Follow effective action with quiet reflection. From the quiet reflection will come even more effective action." James Levin

TTFN

time for an update, I suppose

2010-09-09T22:03:00.000-06:00

I am just sitting here working on burning some CD's for our son, J. It's wonderful that we have the technology, I just wish it worked faster!

We are very happy he came to visit this week - it was an unexpected, but extremely wonderful surprise. He has had to endure a lot of sitting around, but he has helped out quite a bit. Some things may seem easy and not a big deal to some, but having someone go out and pick up 6 things at the grocery store while I am at work makes a huge difference! And it gets Callum out, too. A double win for us. And we appreciate it so much.

My mom's 80th Birthday party was a huge success. My mom looked so beautiful in her new dress - something she deserves as she rarely treats herself to such things. The tea was really well attended - we even had to set up more tables! The family dinner was enjoyed by 38 of us. It was a very busy weekend, but well worth every minute.

Callum was pretty good for the weekend, except for a bit of a nasty day on the Saturday. He seemed to run a bit of a fever and was very fatigued. He spent from about 9 pm Friday night until Sunday morning in bed. Tylenol helped the fever and by Sunday he was new man! Thankfully he was able to go to the birthday party.

Things are getting a bit better with the leg. Callum has less pain in it now, although he is still not permitted to weight bear. That is such a hard adjustment for both of us! He still takes pain meds at night, but daytime seems to be much better. It is nice because he can get back to driving and getting out when his is feeling up to it.

We are kind of in a holding pattern with things. His oncologist is continuing with the FOLFIRI treatment for now. We will see what the CT scan and MRI show when they are done. The MRI is scheduled for Oct 2, and we are still waiting for CT date. He seems to be tolerating the FOLFIRI OK even with the different side effects. We are keeping our fingers crossed that it will stabilize the disease once more.

As we continue on with the journey, we must also start thinking about the issues that will come up when the disease can't be stabilized. We are wanting to spend more time in Medicine Hat in the coming months. That delightful little grandson of ours is just too hard to stay away from! I am working for an amazing board of directors and support whatever I need to take for time from work. It is nice to have such a nice, open relationship and their support. It helps us prepare in advance for when I may not be at work. Most likely we will plan to stay in Medicine Hat more often when we have exhausted all treatment options. We will have some other details to work out, but as time goes on we both are feeling the pull of being closer to family (right Cal?). We have also had many offers of help from people. Be ready folks, we will be starting to make a list! There are certainly things to do around here and times that help will be welcome, we just have to sort out priorities and also be sure to keep some time for ourselves.

Lots of days are up and down like a rollercoaster - it is often hard to keep up with my ever changing thoughts! This has been such a great week with J. here, that I am feeling like I have caught my breath a bit. September is such a busy time at work so the month will fly by. The scans will be done by early October and then we will reassess at that time and decide where the journey will take us.

The beauty of empowering others is that your own power is not diminished in the process. Barbara Coloroso

TTFN

A LIVESTRONG Day Event | LIVESTRONG Day 2010 | LIVESTRONG.org

2010-09-01T18:55:00.000-06:00

A LIVESTRONG Day Event | LIVESTRONG Day 2010 | LIVESTRONG.org

Good days....

2010-08-21T20:21:00.000-06:00

The past week or so has had its ups and downs. The dust has settled after the Palliative Home Care referral and we are getting closer to our "normal" schedule. I don't even really remember what normal is, to tell the truth! Callum had chemo on Aug 11th - it seemed to go fine. He has had a bit more fatigue than the last time, but we are sure it is mostly from the radiation, coupled with the chemo treatment. He has far less pain in his leg and only takes pain meds at night now. He had his bone scan last week and we likely will have results this week - although I am thinking I might try to see if I can be patient enough to wait until the Dr visit on the 30th! Nothing really changes with his treatment, regardless of the results. So, do we need to know any earlier? Who am I kidding?! I am sure I will be phoning later this week.

My brother and family, and my nephew, were up visiting for a couple of days. It was so nice to have them here. We have stayed home for a few weeks and have pretty much caught our breath from the busy fun we had in July.

Callum had a pretty good day today and was able to take the Porsche for a drive. I don't think he has driven it since June! We were both happy campers to have him behind the wheel! His crutches fit nicely in the trunk so when he is up to it he can be independently mobile. He came with me to pick up the hand held shower and then we went out for dinner. It was an awesome day!

He is scheduled for chemo next week, and we are heading out to Medicine Hat later in the week for a fundraising pig roast hosted by my brother. We will have a pretty good sized family presence there this year - I am sure it will be a lot of fun!!

"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it." - Groucho Marx

TTFN

Lorna

"Tough Dude"

2010-08-10T20:44:00.000-06:00

August 1, 2010

As you can see, it is Aug. 1st, and I am starting to write this blog, even though it will be over a week before I publish it. This past week has brought a few changes to our lives, but there are still so many unanswered questions we can't really talk to anyone about it. For now we will find the answers and then develop the plan to share it with our loyal supporters.

I must apologize to you in advance. This is going to be emotional, most likely more emotional than anything I have written so far. I get to write each part it as it happens - you will read it all at once. Please take your time, maybe you don't need to read it all at once.

July 31, 2010

We finally got some details from D. , Dr H's nurse, on the CT/MRI from June 28. The CT shows some increase in size and number of lung nodules - and the measurements of a couple have changed quite a bit. There is some irregular thickening of the bladder wall at the rear right, which could be cancer (although not likely metastatic?) or could be a build up of stones. Callum may get a referral to a urologist to find out exactly what it is. The spleen is still enlarged with some tiny low density lesions - could be cancer or cysts, they are too tiny to tell. There is some free fluid in the abdomen (not sure what that means). Kidney, pancreas and liver seem to be fine, and no lymph node involvement. In the areas of this CT scan (mostly ribs) there were no destructive bone lesions showing.
The MRI was good - there was a small increase in the size of the tumour at the back, but it wasn't really a significant increase.

We didn't tell anyone about these earlier as we wanted to talk to the Dr about what this all meant. You will find out more at the end of this blog!

You will remember that Callum started radiation therapy on his femur last week. The pain in his leg has been getting worse. When he started the treatments we still hadn't heard if Dr K (radiation oncologist) had received the x-ray films and what he saw in them. Finally, Thursday morning he called me and let me know the news. The middle of the bone at the site of tumour was eaten away - destroyed. There are a few things in the x-ray not clear, but it certainly described destructive lesions in other parts of the leg (thigh and shin) and pelvis - there are definitely changes in the bone that by the look of it goes with some cancer process. He emphasized that these are images only, and not confirmation that it is cancer. But there is a high probability it is cancer. He said that the funny thing is that the destruction is happening from the inside out. I have no idea what that means, what you do about it, or if it even matters!

He said that his goal is to help control pain and provide comfort care. He can radiate other areas as they become painful, but only for a while. He can't radiate the whole leg because it would destroy the bone marrow, which is already impacted by chemo treatment, and would likely kill him. They also want to keep the side effects to a minimum - quality of life is important.

He also said that the inside bone is very fragile - he can't weight bear on that leg anymore as he is at an extreme risk of breaking the leg - not a complication we need. And he confirmed in this phone call, that he does not foresee Callum ever weight bearing on that leg again. I was punched in the stomach again. We kind of knew that there would always be trouble with that leg, but we thought that he might, even for a little while, be able to walk on it again. ouch. ouch ouch.

It had been recommended to me that we look into bisphosphonates - they help with bone problems in patients with metastatic breast, lung or prostrate cancer. I asked Dr. K - he said they haven't any conclusive studies on the effectiveness for colon cancer (which I knew), so that they likely weren't covered (which I knew) and since he was leaving on holidays I could ask Dr H (medical oncologist) about them. They might help, he said.

He did make a referral for a bone scan, but it sounds like that might be a wait. Dr. K said not to worry about it as it would only be a baseline and wouldn't likely change the treatment plan anyway.

So.....comfort care, no more walking on that leg....high probability that the multiple lesions are cancer....and when I asked about life expectancy....he refused to say - would only tell me that he already way past his expected time.

As if that wasn't enough.

Wed we got a call from a social worker who wanted to meet us after Thursday's treatment. We thought it was likely the regular old check in since he was having radiation again. Boy, were we wrong! She wanted to tell us about the Palliative Care Team, and other services available to us. Palliative care, wow! I was pretty blind sided by those words, and I think Callum was too. From reading other people's stories, I know palliative care doesn't mean imminent death, but it sure brought that reality a lot closer to home that it had been! And when she asked whether Callum wanted his own wheelchair I thought he might lose it. He was really good - very respectful. But I think both of us were dumbfounded. We hadn't yet had the telephone call from the Dr - so this possibility was new to us! The other thing about Palliative Care is that is often, I think most usually, is offered when treatment is no longer happening. We don't know if that is the case this time....or ....................

Now, some good things came of this. She is sending in an application for Callum to have all his drugs (well, the ones on the formulary, anyway) covered through the palliative care program. She had Callum sign a form for us to get a disability parking placard.

And the scary part....she referred us to the palliative care team. The Dr is well versed on pain meds. The team is good. John is the coordinator for Callum. Ikes. I have tried for the past few days to wrap my head around it. I keep thinking I am being a drama queen - that I am making things worse than they really are. And then I realize that we have an appointment with the Palliative Care coordinator and nurse on Aug 4th. They are coming to our house. To meet with us. To see what needs Callum has. I see the value in this, and know this team will be a valued treasure to us. But we didn't realize we were at the point that we need this help. I guess we will find out for sure on Wed.

So, the big question for us is why the referral now? We didn't really think to ask that question last week. We will ask this week coming up. We are both unsure what the message is? Did the referral happen because Callum's mobility is limited and they want to help keep him as independent as possible? Is it because of the pain. Or our worst fear - is it because the disease is progressing so much that we must now accept the inevitability of death. Wow.....can't believe that is what it is. Don't they know Callum? Don't they know he is a fighter? Don't they know he has overcome so many things that this is just one more bump to him? Or.....is it time to say he is done getting over bumps....?

We have an appointment with the neurosurgeon on Aug 5th. to review the MRI results. We are all curious about what he will say, as in April he said that if there was any increase in the size of the tumour he would do surgery. But we are not sure what will happen if the disease isn't stable. And it isn't.....yet. Maybe the FOLFIRI will get it tamed down.

We meet with Dr. H on Aug 9th. I am sure it will be a very interesting visit. He has been so very positive and supportive through this it means a lot to us. We know that if there is anything we can try he will do it. But we also know that if he now says this is the end of treatment, then we likely have few options, if any. A sad thing to think about.

Signing off for now......

Tuesday, Aug. 3

I finally called the social worker at the cancer centre. The one we saw last week (S.) is on holidays (seems to be our luck this summer!), so I spoke with her covering SW (R.). He said that often they make the referral to the Palliative Care Team (hmmm, I think I will call them the PCT) so that we are aware of all the services available to us, can take advantage of what we need now, and know ahead of time of ones that we will need later. He was very reassuring, and said that S. is new at the cancer centre and had worked with palliative care at the hospital, and on the ward that Callum was on in January. He said she knows all the hoops and how long wait lists can be so is being proactive to get the ball rolling for us. We had a chat about how Callum is doing and some challenges there is in getting him to not bear weight on his leg. I will still remind him now and then, and let the medical professionals explain it to him again. I just don't want him to break it, I just don't know if he is strong enough to withstand a break and whatever comes with that.

Anyway, it was a huge emotional release to have that question answered. I had really got myself wound up about it. I did not feel well all day. Callum asked me to keep positive, but I bounce between wondering what reality is and staying positive. I will always support him, regardless of the situation. I just don't want to contribute to false hope.

Enough for today. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. And the PCT will be here at 9 am tomorrow. Stay tuned....

Signing off.....

Thursday, Aug 5

Well, it has been a weird couple of days. Wednesday we met with the Palliative Care Coordinator. She introduced us to the Palliative Care program here. It was certainly a scary experience - it usually means something when the Palliative Care steps in! The good part is that the program covers the cost of all of Callum's drugs, providing they are in the formulary. The only hitch is sometimes with antibiotics - they will only cover if you start with the cheapest and only go to the next one if the first doesn't work. Usually with cancer patients they will start with one of the most potent - and costly - antibiotic because they need soemthing that works really fast and is very effective. One thing that is strange to me is that the program also covers Boost, Ensure and some protein supplements. It was still a strange visit. Palliative Care is about symptom management and comfort. We will be looking at having railings put in the shower, and a shower chair, for Callum to shower without having to put weight on his leg. J. , the coordinator, talked about accepting help and having a list of things for people to do. She mentioned that people want to help, but don't always know how. She also talked about a personal health directive, and left the form for Callum to fill out. There is going to be so much more for us to learn, and so many more hard decisions! This is the part that frightened me the most! There will be referrals to Occupational Therapy and the Palliative Care Nurse. Maybe home care, too. Whatever we need, we will have a one stop number to call and they will get us what we need! Pretty cool! Except for the reason we have this real cool program....

Thursday we had a visit with Dr F, the neurosurgeon. It was an interesting visit as well. There are so many hard things to this now. We knew it was coming, but it is so hard. The decision we made today was to wait and see what the next MRI shows as tumour growth - it will be sometime the end of Sept or so. The June MRI shows some slight growth, but with the disease progressing, we have to think about the risks and benefits of brain surgery. He said he will do it when the symptoms and problems get worse, if Callum wants it. But he also talked about the alternative - don't do surgery, and possibly have a less painful death than treating it and letting the problems with other cancer sites get worse. I just can't see Callum quit fighting! But one never knows what will be the twists and turns in this journey, and I hate seeing him in pain, so I want him to be as pain free as possible. Crappy disease! I hate this!! It is horrible!! I just can't believe that our life is going to change that much in the coming months. But I guess it is.....that is reality. And many, many people have done this before. And so will we. So much to think about. So much to consider. It makes my head spin. It has been a helluva week, that is for sure.
Tomorrow one of the nurses comes to meet with us. It will be interesting to see what she says. I thought I would be ready for this....but I sure am not!

time to sign off.....

Aug 8

Well, we met with the Palliative Care RN and the occupational therapist on Friday. They are both nice ladies. We will be getting some rails in the shower and a shower chair to help Callum shower safely. The plan is for the RN to come visit once a week, even if it is a quick visit. She will do a quick check on how he is doing and make sure we have no issues. Part of their job is to prepare us for this part of the journey. It was really hard hearing things like "have the papers on the fridge in case home care comes and find him unconscious - it happens.". Now, I have thought about a lot of things, and some of those not nice things, but I never had that picture of Callum being that sick, and being unresponsive. I know it sounds weird, and I am sure it was in my mind, but not in that level of detail. I don't know what I was expecting would happen, but I hadn't thought about having to use a drug store that is close by and has long hours so we have a good chance of getting any prescription we needed on short notice. Do all of you have your personal health directive? Might be good to get one when it isn't in the middle of a crisis. We are thankful we did that a few years ago. Tomorrow we see Dr. H - we are not sure if he will be recommending to stop treatment, or to continue for a little while to see if the change in chemo has helped slow the disease progression again. I am sure we will have a few anxious moments tomorrow morning. Dr H has always been able to reassure us, and has been honest about quality of life issues, so we feel confident that he will give us good guidance.

Well, time for tea and bed.....

TTFN

August 10, 2010

Well, this post will be a little more upbeat than the previous - we had a good visit with Dr. H - who is so good at being realistic, but encouraging us to stay positive. I have so much respect for him and how he handles the tough stuff. It was Dr. H who took me for "the walk" and "the talk" about whether to continue with the supportive breathing machine when Callum was in hospital in January. He pulls no punches, but also doesn't make mountains out of mole hills.

Anyway, his plan is to continue with the FOLFIRI chemo treatment every 2 weeks. He seems confident that we can get the disease stable again and will book a follow up CT scan for end of Sept. Keep your fingers crossed!! He said the issue with the bladder may be stones or even some issues from the radiation and/or surgery in 2005/06. The post-treatment issues are something that everyone is seeing more often now that there are such good drugs to extend life. He will make a referral to a urologist and then he can talk with Callum about it and we'll go from there.

Dr. H called Callum a "tough dude" - even without the muscles of Schwarzenegger. He is so impressed with Callum, I guess with us. So positive and practical. Did you ever think that would describe us? Makes me giggle. But how else should you deal with this? Too little time to waste it being negative.

Callum has noticed a change in the pain level, but it still is quite painful. We are hoping that in another few days he will start to notice a bigger change and more relief - he was told it could be a week - 14 days to feel less pain. He is fatigued by the radiation but we hope it soon passes. He has a bone scan on Aug 17 - it will be used as a baseline scan, not diagnostic. There will likely be no change in treatment but when compared to future scans it can give an idea of any progression from now. We got a copy of the summary notes from the July 22 visit - he indicated the thinning bone in femur and shin bones looks like osteoporosis or osteopenia. It was the lesions in the femur (the one that is treated, and confirmed cancer by biopsy) and the one in the pelvis that he referred to as cancer.

Dr. H reassured us that the Palliative Home Care referral was just to help us and said to not read a lot into it. He said that with the amount of pain Callum was having they likely thought it would be good for us to get connected with them. I am more comfortable with this now, although I admit I was freaked out last week. In some ways it is good that this happened...I can better prepare for the next time. And unfortunately, and sadly, there will be a next time. We did have the shower chair and saskpole put up today. We will have to check into the handrail in the shower, and a removable shower head. Too bad he isn't a pelican, he would be fine on one foot!

So, I am feeling a lot more upbeat this week. I do feel like I have been through a hurricane, though! We had a nice quiet weekend and few medical visits this week. A great visit with friends from the Hat on Sunday was a nice surprise! We really are lucky to have gather such a garden of friends along the miles we have moved.

Time for me to sign off....thanks for letting me get this out of my system as it happened. Hopefully you have not been traumatized!

"A good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world." ~Lois Wyse

TTFN
Lorna

radiation come and gone

2010-08-08T21:15:00.000-06:00

Just a quick note tonight to let you know that Callum finished his 5th radiation treatment on Tuesday. They said it would take 8 - 14 days for him to start feeling some pain relief. After a number of days of pain, he finally felt like there was less of it today. Like all rounds of radiation, he has had some fatigue and general yucky times. He is motoring along quite well with crutches and do believe this will get better with practice and once he doesn't have to deal with so much pain. It has been over 2 weeks since he went downstairs, so his TV watching has been quite limited - mostly just whatever we watch in bed before we sleep. He has an appointment with his main oncologist Monday morning so we should have a fairly good idea of the big picture of things. We saw the neurosurgeon last week and the brain tumour has grown a wee little bit, but is causing no symptoms or problems right now so he is reluctant to do surgery at this time. He will see what happens after a late Sept MRI. He did say that if Callum has any problems or symptoms get bad that he will take it out if Callum wants him to. We are kind of interested in hearing what the main guy says after the radiation oncologist and neurosurgeon have had their 2 cents worth!

This is Callum's leg with the markings for radiation....quite a little map!

On a totally different note, I actually made cookies for the first time in a number of years! Ginger ones...a little overcooked, but very tasty!

I am really looking forward to a quieter couple of weeks - appointment wise, anyway. A Dr visit and chemo this week - it shouldn't be too bad.

With the radiation and Dr appointment we have been kept busy. It had been such a nice break in July to be "normal" and not have to deal with cancer on a daily basis. I don't know how Callum has handled these past few weeks with his limited mobility. I can keep myself busy with work, but he is at home, alone, with lots of time to think about things. He has done quite a number of crosswords, though! It just sucks. But we do our best to make the best of each day - that is all we have! Too little time to waste it! Actually - no one should be wasting time!

Well, my water has boiled, my night time tea is brewing....time to go.

"All of life is a journey; which paths we take, what we look back on, and what we look forward to is up to us. We determine our destination, what kind of road we will take to get there, and how happy we are when we get there." From A Little Book of Happiness

TTFN

Jungle Safari

2010-08-02T20:40:00.000-06:00

Well, I spend most of the weekend on a jungle safari. Well, not really! I had to find my flower garden. It had become terribly overgrown with weeds and grass. A job well done, if I say so myself!

Callum was wonderful today. He made both lunch and nearly all of supper! It was such a treat. He does drive me crazy, though. He was told not to weight bear on his leg as the weight of his body could break it. But he felt better enough today to have a few moments in the kitchen without crutches. He assures me he isn't putting weight on it, or at least not much, but how do you even take 2 or 3 steps without putting some weight on it? He really is trying hard, but I think sometimes it is just habit. I do really truly fear though, that as the pain relief comes, he will consider the bone to be better able to weight bear and he will use the crutches less and less. And increase the risk of breaking the bone. I nag and nag - so much that he told me today that I am just like the Gulf oil spill - I just keep spewing! We had a good laugh. I don't want to discourage him from helping out - I love it! I just don't want him to get hurt doing it. I don't want to see him in the hospital in a cast and in more pain than he has been. I guess it will just take time, and maybe some reminders from the Docs!

Hope you all had a great weekend!

TTFN

I was mad....but I'm over it now....

2010-08-01T19:36:00.000-06:00

Well, today was one of those days some anger surfaced. It's been a long time since that has happened! I was working on our back flower garden - it had become terribly overgrown- and I was mad that I was out there all alone. I know it sounds selfish, and I don't know if I can explain that it isn't selfishness that made me angry. It was just another reminder that things are not as they should be. Under normal (not that I even know what that is anymore!) circumstances Callum would have helped me. He would have taken the pitchfork and loosed up the weeds and grass, and I would have followed and pulled them out. But I was there, alone, doing it. And he was in the house, alone, frustrated that he couldn't help. It's not that I couldn't do it, or wouldn't do it.....but that cancer had yet again found a way to show us things aren't normal. Damn cancer!

OK....now that I have it our of my system - thanks for listening to the rant!

I now can genuinely give thanks:
- for another beautiful day that let me clean out that flower garden, and even find a lily and some irises under a tree!
- that Callum made lunch. I had no idea he was going to do it. I came inside from the garden and lunch was ready! What a lucky girl I am!
- for being healthy enough to clean out the garden!
- for music.....I love music!
- for our sauna - my "gardening muscles" will love the sauna tonight!

I am very grateful for all that I have.

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."
Melody Beattie

pain, pain go away

2010-07-31T21:55:00.000-06:00

Well, we were really hoping that by today Callum would start feeling some relief from the pain in his leg. It is not to be. Today, anyway. Hopefully today is the worst and tomorrow it starts to feel better. He has been on pain meds most of the day and has spent a good part of the day with his legs up and doing crossword puzzles. I went out and bought a variety of crossword puzzle books - although some are likely too easy for him...but might be suited for me! I managed to find part of my flower garden, get my haircut, go to the bank, and wash my car. All in all a pretty good day!

We'll see what tomorrow brings...

"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things."
Robert Brault.

If you like that quote....find more at:

http://www.findingjoymovie.com/

TTFN
Lorna

And on we go...radiation #3!

2010-07-27T21:51:00.000-06:00

We are at the start of the next chapter in our journey. Sometimes I wonder if we will ever catch a break! It has been a most busy year so far.

With the metastases now in the bone, treatment is radiation to the femur. Callum will have 5 treatments and started today. It is high dose radiation but is supposed to be quite effective. He will have a bit more pain for a couple of days, and then it is supposed to get better fairly quickly after that. We are really looking forward to that! In the meantime....thanks for morphine derivatives!

As the last few weeks have gone past, his mobility has slowly decreased and last week he was told to not weight bear, as he is at risk of breaking his leg where the tumour is. He is feeling quite well, other than the pain, so we hope that in the next week or so things are back to being pretty good for him.

It has meant a busy time for me, and a frustrating time for him. We have had offers to come and help, but it is such a short time we know we can handle it. I have nearly all the groceries stocked up and garbage and recycling days are finished for the week! I think I have nearly caught up on emails, and even finished an old "to-do" thing from nearly 10 years ago!

July was very busy for us. We were thrilled to have Callum's cousin and family in Saskatoon while they competed in the ScotDance Canada national highland dance championships. The girls did quite well, and we introduced them to the Berry Barn, deep fried turkey and perogies! Callum's parents and brothers came up to visit and we had a great time. I spied a tear or two on the morning they left...we can hardly wait for then to return in 2 years! Edmonton -look out! In the middle of the visit we made a quick trip to Medicine Hat for Cade's 1st birthday. What an exciting day, and certainly leads to much reflection. There was a time that we were not sure Callum would live to see his first grandchild, and here he was celebrating Cade's first birthday! It is such a joy to see Callum with Cade - I didn't know there could be so much love and joy in one room! After the visit of the Fraser clan, we headed back to the Hat and then to Calgary to help out with Cade while Vanessa finished her final courses in preparation for her big 3 day exam for accounting. We are so proud of her diligence and perseverance - it would have been easy to put all on hold for a year or two, but she will soon be done and we will have a Chartered Accountant in the family! Another goal for Callum to see it all happen!

We are now home and finished vacation. I am back to work and going to the appointments at the cancer centre. It has been a very frustrating month trying to get up to date information with so many people on holidays. Much of the information won't matter to the treatment plan, but it does matter to us. And electronic health records! I think I will join - perhaps lead - the crusade for electronic health records! Without them, his chart physically travels all over the Cancer Centre...from Dr. to chemo to radiation oncologist to radiation treatment to records for typing to release of information and back and forth and round about! What a crazy system!

So...I hope to track down some test results this week. We meet with the neurosurgeon on Aug 5 to discuss MRI results.....we have no idea what will be the outcome of this meeting.

Right now our main focus is the radiation treatments and looking forward to some pain free days for Callum. The rest we will take when it comes.

"The future is literally in our hands to mold as we like. But we cannot wait until tomorrow. Tomorrow is now." Eleanor Roosevelt

TTFN
Lorna

Test

2010-07-04T15:33:00.000-06:00

I am testing to see if I can upload a blog entry from my blackberry.

Lorna
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

Marching forward

2010-06-28T20:53:00.002-06:00

Well, the marathon at the hospital this morning went quite well. Amazing what you can get done in the time it takes to pay $13.50 in parking fees!

I felt fairly comfortable when went to see the doctor - we were taken into a regular clinic room. If we had gone into the "pretty" room I would have been more worried. And we found out what we already were sure we knew. Doctor Haider confirmed that the biopsy was positive for metastatic colorectal cancer, and that the cancer is progressing. He didn't seem to think that it is a result of the missed chemo in April or not taking oxaliplatin. He figures it has been there for a while – which is what we now think. We spent a lot of time thinking it was ligaments and cartilage as the pain was the same as a prior injury Callum had years ago. It all made sense to us! It likely comes as no surprise to any of you to hear that it is not really common for colorectal cancer to spread to the bone, and if it does, it usually appears in the back area, near the site of the original tumour. While it is not unheard of to have it in a distant site (ie. Limb), it is unusual. Callum continues his path of being unusual!

Callum will have his main chemo drug changed to Irinotecan (along with the 5FU and Leucovorin). The Irinotecan is the chemo drug he started with in May 2008, but with an all too early CT scan way back then, it was feared that he was resistant to it, so was switched to the Oxaliplatin. Doctor Haider is confident that this drug will help slow the progression of the cancer, and we hope it stabilizes it again. He starts this regimen June 29. We are waiting for the radiation appointment for treatment to the bone. It sounds like he will have something like 2 – 5 treatments, but we aren’t sure yet.

The tissue from the biopsy was checked for the KRAS mutation (one of those medical things) to see if he would be eligible for treatment with Vectibix, a biological agent that has been recently approved for funding in Saskatchewan and has shown to be helpful for people with advanced colorectal cancer. Unfortunately, he has the KRAS mutation, which means that particular treatment won’t work for him. On with the research!!

It was so nice to hear Doctor Haider say that even though at some point our hands are tied, as long as we have options he is prepared to fight this thing. What a great thing to hear and know he is supports our fight!

So, we continue to carry on for now and wait to see the results of the brain MRI and chest/abdomen/pelvis CT that were done today. Hopefully in a week or so we should have some results.

Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another. Walter Elliott

TTFN

Lorna

Bump, Bump...

2010-06-27T22:03:00.003-06:00

Well, we heard from the docs last week - biopsy was positive for metastases in the femur. We were crossing our fingers it would be different, all the while knowing what it really was. It was still a bit of a blow, anyway. We see the doctor Monday, June 28 to get the new plan, which will likely at the very least, include radiation. We will find out then what the rest of the plan will be!

We had a great week last week. We were in Brandon for C. 's grad, and then had a grand adventure getting to Medicine Hat for Vanessa's birthday!. Quite a few miles put on the Porsche in 8 days! We did lots of visiting with friends in both Brandon and the Hat, and had some wonderful family time. We were lucky with some nice weather and were able to go to Echo Dale Park with Stu, Vanessa and Cade. We were very obviously grandparents as they looked at us sitting under the tree, one with the video camera and the other with the still camera! I just miss Cade and the kids so much when we aren't there, I have to take a million pictures!

We finished off the day with a fire in Vanessa's back yard. It was a wonderful day! We were able to have lunch with some great friends, coffee with our nephew C and family, and have supper with my brother and nephew! It was another great day!

I will update the blog once we have more information!

There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something better tomorrow. Orison Marden

TTFN

Biopsy...done....

2010-06-15T21:52:00.002-06:00

Things went well today. Dr. Hussain is the most excellent doctor! We are so thankful he was willing to do the biospy so quickly. It wasn't near as bad as I thought it would be, but it was quite interesting. The procedure was done in the clinic office and took about 20 minutes total. The area where the drill went in was frozen, but they can't freeze the bone, so there was a bit of pain when the Dr was taking the bone pieces. The drill (not a motorized one, all of it was done by hand), looks like the notched on in this picture.

Callum did quite well, but was pretty doped up for a while. After the biopsy he headed across the hall and had a blood transfusion of 2 units since his hemoglobin has been a bit low again.

He has spent quite a bit of the day sleeping and resting, and is starting to feel a bit more pain now that the freezing is gone and the heavy dose of pain meds has worked out of his system.

I am sure tomorrow will be better, even if he still has some pain.

We should have the results some time next week.

TTFN

Lorna